Are you f*#%ing kidding me, Hasbro???

Justin got a birthday gift from my parents last night. It is an “Ultimate Optimus Prime.” Justin was thrilled and he excitedly asked for us to help him “transform” it. Each adult took a turn lifting his arms, moving his wheels, and pushing his legs from side to side. We hadn’t even begun “transforming” him yet. We were just trying to liberate him from the larger Transformer he was strapped into. Once someone figured out how to pry Optimus out of his metallic chastity belt, the next obstacle was to figure out how to turn him into a truck. Yes, there were instructions. No, they were not helpful. I kept trying to shove Optimus’ head down into his chest to get the front close. My mother kept futzing with his arm and his door kept popping off. Justin kept running around with Optimus’ light-up, noise-making gun at crotch level, all the while laughing and inviting my parents to, “Look at my pee pee!” I could keep going, but there is only so much space on the internet.

10 hours later (no joke, 7:23am), I finally had Optimus Prime in his truck form. I handed him back to Justin and informed him that Optimus no longer wanted to be a robot. He only wanted to be a truck and he hoped that Justin understood his wishes and refrained from trying to change him back again.

So, thank you mom and dad for giving Justin the single most complicated toy on the planet. I know the box said “5 and up,” but I’m pretty sure they were referring to the amount of advanced degrees in Astro Physics needed to understand the directions. He may love it, but I can see that Robo-Asshole mocking me when I walk by.

And now, an open letter to Hasbro:

Dear Hasbro,

My six year old and I are very smart, but neither of us have a card from MENSA. Does Optimus Prime really need to be THAT complicated??? When I was a kid, it took six steps to get Optimus from robot form to truck form and then back again. It’s been almost 30 years since I got my first Transformer and I would have assumed that over the course of three decades someone would have streamlined that process a little. Instead, it now takes 32 steps just to push his arm in!

Here’s something for you to transform: uckf ouy!!

All the best,

GENXDADDY!

The Birthday Boy!

Today, Justin turns six years old. I have no idea how that is even possible. I am too young to have a six year old. It was only yesterday when he was drooling on my shoulder. (Come to think of it, he actually was drooling on my shoulder yesterday!)

This morning, I woke him up by singing “Happy Birthday” to him.

When I was done, I asked him several questions:

I asked him if he felt older. He said, “Yep.”

I asked him if he felt wiser. He said, “Yep.”

I asked him if he felt more mature. He said, “Yep.”

I asked him if he felt more sophisticated! He said, “Yep.”

And then, from the comfort of his bed, he lifted one bare arm and one bare leg and said, “Look daddy! I have hair on my arms and legs! I’m a MAN!!”

The Big “Uno”

Today is Garrett Logan Priluck’s first birthday. Or, as I like to refer to it, the first anniversary of the second time I got a peek at my wife’s internal organs.

I have spent a whole year with this “stranger” in the house and I’ve learned a lot about him. These are just a few of the things that I now know about my son:

1)      He has a dance move called, “The Garrett” – he puts his arms straight out and ‘flaps’ them as fast as possible back and forth towards his body when he gets excited.

2)      He is a non-stop drool machine. Garrett is like a snail. Just follow the trail of slime and you will find him at the end of it.

3)      He will get your attention by slamming his legs down repeatedly.

4)      He is always happy, even when he is sick. I’ve never seen a happier child (with the exception of Justin.)

5)      When he crawls into my room and settles near my nightstand, he always pulls out the same book – “Tales from The Far Side.” (I guess he likes talking cows.)

6)      His guilty pleasure is to sneak into his big brother’s room while no one is watching. He likes to prop himself up on the stool or play with the fake sword cover.

7)      He will eat anything. Baby food, pizza, pasta, hummus, chili, etc. It’s just a waiting game to see what he can digest and what he can’t. We affectionately call this, “When did Garrett eat corn!?!?!?”

8)      He likes to do “Super Baby” (me lifting him in the air while laying on my back on the master bed.) After he ‘lands’, he immediately rolls over and tries to climb back on top of my chest for another ride. However, he usually gets tired and ends up sitting on my face.

9)     Garrett’s attempts at kissing include him using his teeth (and biting.)

10)   Garrett prefers to be naked. (Who doesn’t?)

11)   He desperately wants Justin’s green television remote control. In fact, he wants it so badly that he is willing to put himself in harm’s way to get it. (Justin has shown great restraint. He has not whupped his little brother’s ass over this issue….yet.)

12)   He has a fascination with my bathroom. He just likes being in there. I have no idea why.

It has been a fantastic year of getting to know Garrett. He is sweet, loud, gentle, funny, strong, cute, and produces the foulest poops you could ever imagine. Happy Birthday, Monkey!!

Forget “Ocean’s Eleven” and Meet the “Albertsons’ Two”

GWE’s instructions were simple: take Justin to Albertsons on Friday morning, pick up his birthday cupcakes, and then drop off Justin and the cupcakes at school. That was it!

At 8:30am on Friday morning, Justin and I left the house and headed over to Albertsons. We walked into a virtually empty grocery story. There were no other customers and barely any staff. We went over to the pastry/cake counter and waited for someone to help us. It took several minutes before we were even noticed. A nice man (with limited English skills and a big smile) came out from back and asked “You…help?” I told him that an order for birthday cupcakes was waiting for us under the name “Jason.” He continued to smile, went into the back, and after a few more minutes – he emerged from a cold locker with 2 dozen Lightning McQueen cupcakes. I thanked him; gave a dozen to Justin to carry to the car; took the other dozen myself and off we went!

Justin and I got back to the car, popped open the hatch, and then carefully loaded our precious cargo into the car. After we were done, we jumped back into the car and headed to school.

In between Albertsons and school, I had a random thought – “I wonder if GWE pre-paid for the cupcakes or if I was supposed to pay for them that morning.” I grabbed my phone and quickly called GWE (twice), but there was no answer. At the end of the second call attempt, we were already pulling into the school’s parking lot – so I decided to hang up and focus on getting Justin and the cupcakes into the classroom without being mobbed by sugar-seeking, zombie 4 year olds.

After I filled out his paperwork, I wished Justin a “Happy Birthday”, and then headed back home. As I got back on the road, GWE returned my call. I told her that all had gone well and we made the pickup and delivery with no problems. My curiosity got the better of me again and I asked, “Hon – did you pay for the cupcakes or was I supposed to?” There was silence on the other end of the phone. She replied, “Of course you were supposed to pay for them. You didn’t leave the store without paying for them, did you?”

At that moment, I realized what I had done. I had just stolen 2 dozen children cupcakes from our local grocery store. And, I made Justin my accomplice….AND, I made him an accomplice ON HIS BIRTHDAY!!!

Some dads are cool – they buy their kid a car on their sixteen birthday or get them a hooker. I made my son rob a grocery store at the tender age of five!