Justin’s Jelly Bean Prank Backfires

Posted on May 12, 2017 by Jason

Honestly, I’m a little behind with this blog. It’s not that I don’t have enough to write about. It’s that there’s too much to write about and the stories are getting backed up. So – let’s re-start slowly…

Last week, GWE took Justin to Six Flags on an afternoon when there was an early dismissal from school. While I worked, they had fun riding roller-coasters, eating junk food, and then sending me selfies of themselves riding roller-coasters and eating junk food. (Did I mention that I was working??) When I got home that evening, I expected to find Justin passed out in bed. To my surprise, he was awake…and oddly excited about something.

“Daddy!! I bought you some jelly beans! I know how much you love jelly beans,” Justin exclaimed. I could see that he was trying to contain his laughter, so I assumed he was up to something.

“No thanks. I’ll pass,” I replied – knowing that it would drive him a little nuts.

“Daddy! These are the best jelly beans! I bought them just for you!!!!!!!!” The giddiness was causing him to vibrate.

With cautious optimism, I took one jelly bean from his hand and popped it into my mouth. I did not chew. I just waited for him to respond. After a few seconds, I gave up and decided to eat the jelly bean. At first, it tasted like popcorn. And then…….this disgusting flavor and odor of dead fish invaded my mouth and nose. It was awful! Justin rolled on the floor laughing about how he got me as I scrambled to get the taste out of my mouth! While I gulped half a container of milk, Justin explained that I had eaten something called “Bean Boozled.” They are purposely awful jelly beans.

Justin thought I was over-reacting to how bad the beans were, so he decided to show me that he could eat any of them and it wouldn’t affect him at all. I told him that I would chose the bean and he would have to eat which ever I chose.

I chose “Barf.”

Justin took the bean and ate it with the same bravado you see from a drunk college student who is dared to drink an entire bottle of hot sauce. He smiled as he took the first two bites. All of a sudden, his expression changed. He coughed twice…..and then threw up all over the kitchen sink. The bravado on his face vanished and was replaced with confusion, fear, and tears. He was not expecting that as an outcome. After a few more dry-heaves and a glass of water, I tucked him into bed.

While tucking Garrett into bed, I heard Justin run down the hallway…then some banging….and then the sound of him running back to his room. When I went back into his room I asked him what happened. He responded, “Daddy. I threw out the jelly beans. I don’t want you to trick me with those beans ever again!”

Oh how the trickster becomes the tricked!

CHARLIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

Posted on May 10, 2016 by Jason

This man is bringing home “fast food.” If he’s not fast, they won’t be food.

Recently, I’ve become addicted to a quintessentially British cooking show from the ’90s called “Escape to River Cottage.” The recommendation was given to me as a cure for insomnia. It’s effect was quite the opposite. I’m hooked and can’t get enough of this show. The concept is simple: what happens when a professional chef moves to the middle of nowhere and begins living a farm-to-table life? There are a lot of unintentionally, funny moments.

In an effort to spend more time together, Justin has begun watching these cooking shows by my side. What we saw made us laugh and cringe all at once. To Justin, the name “Charlie” now elicits a visceral reaction of small tears and uncomfortable laughter.

Early in the program, the host decided that gardening was great, but that he needed more protein in his meals. (There were only so many pigeons he could shoot off of his neighbors roof to eat. No joke!) He decided to buy a pig. However, the pig farmer was insistent on two rules:

A pig cannot live alone. It needs a companion. Preferably, many. (The host settled on two pigs, but really only wanted one.) And, more importantly:
Do not name the pig! It would make it harder to do what needed to be done…in the end.

The host honored the first rule, but broke the second one by the end of the first day. He named one pig, “Charlie.”

Watching the host befriend the pig and then over time realize what he’d have to do to the pig is one of the funniest and saddest things we’ve ever watched.

Ultimately, we could not watch the “pork” episode. Justin and I talked about it a lot and we imagined the host eating his friend while tears streamed down his face as he screamed, “CHARLIEEEEEEEEEEE” with bits of meat falling out of his mouth.

Ever since we started watching that show, on the rare occasion we saw or ate pork, Justin and I would fake scream, “CHARLIEEEEEEEEE!!” We would laugh uncontrollably.

And then, I pulled out the slow cooker!

The small note reads: “Hi! My name is Charlie!”

Honestly, this meal was delicious and entertaining as we chewed slowly while randomly screaming out, “CHARLIEEEEEEEEE!!!!”

Bird, Bird, The Bird is the Word!

Posted on Apr 25, 2016 by Jason

This is not the bird you’re looking for.

While having dinner at home one night, we decided to open the back doors and windows to allow a cool evening breeze into the house. GWE, the boys, and I sat around the table eating, laughing, and getting caught up on how everyone’s day went. It was a pleasant evening and nothing was out of the ordinary, until….all of a sudden…

… a bird flew into the house!

What was once a calm and relaxed dinner turned into a (slightly) chaotic moment. Justin, the child who doesn’t like to go outside or have nature come inside, froze in a panic. Garrett, the child who loves being outside…but probably loves chaos even more, was thrilled to see the bird! Garrett greeted the interruption with a mixture of dance, excitement, and screaming with glee. GWE and I took the tactical position of turning off all the lights in house, turning on the porch lights, and shooing the bird outside again.

Once the bird left, we closed the doors and windows and resumed our meal. However, the excitement in Garrett’s body could not be contained.

“I DID IT!! I DID IT!!! I DID IT!!!” Garrett squealed. “What? What did you do?” I asked.

“I HID!!!!!” He announced triumphantly, as if he had conquered Mother Nature by himself.

In case of emergency, I’m still not sure which kid will be the most useful!

I am an angry bird!

I Am “UNCLE” GenXDaddy!!

Posted on Feb 4, 2015 by Jason

We have a new addition to the GenXDaddy family! On January 31, 2015 at 5:30PM., my sister gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. (My brother-in-law helped!)

In this corner, weighing in at 7 lbs, 14 oz with a length of 20.5 inches long and with a very full diaper – Sadie Bella Bergman!!

Hey Sadie – when you’re ready for your first scotch, cigar, and tattoo…come to Uncle Jason’s house! Cousin Justin, Cousin Garrett, Auntie GWE, and I are ready to corrupt you!

“Put me BBBAAAACCCKKKKKK!!!!”

Pho-Gettaboudit!

Posted on Dec 1, 2014 by Jason

GWE and I were in the car yesterday with the kids on the way to a birthday party when we drove by a Vietnamese restaurant that I had never seen before. Pho (pronounced “Fuh”) is one of my favorite dishes and I’m always open to trying a new place because there aren’t that many Vietnamese restaurants where we live.

I especially like that the owners of these restaurants typically have a good sense of humor about their names. I’ve seen “Pho-King Delicious,” “9021Pho,” “Absolutely Phobulous,” and “Pho Shizzle” just to name a few.

As we drove by the new place, I pointed out that the name was funny. GWE asked, “How so?”

“The restaurant was called Pho CT,” I replied.

“I don’t get it,” she said.

“What do you get when you put together “Pho” and “CT”?” I asked.

From behind me, I heard Justin ask, “FUCKED???”

The fact that GWE didn’t drive off the road due to uncontrollable laughter is amazing. We both found it enormously difficult to maintain our composure while explaining to Justin why he shouldn’t say that word.

Finally, when the hysterics subsided and the kids where focused on other things, GWE turned to me and said, “This is your fault.”

I turned back to her and replied, “I don’t know what’s funnier: That he said it or that he figured it out faster than you!”

You Might Be My 6 Year Old Redneck Son If….

Posted on Jun 24, 2013 by Jason

“You like that show ‘Cops?’ Hell – I’ve been on it three times!!”

Here is a picture of my son from Father’s Day. As you can see, he looks very comfortable in his sleeve-less shirt while sporting a Hot Wheels tattoo. He is casually sucking back a [Root] Beer and (attempting to) eat some fried chicken and baked beans without his teeth. The only thing missing from the evening was the sound of “Dueling Banjos” and the squealing of pigs.

To Live and Dad in LA

Adventures in Being A Dad

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