HOME

November

2012

Fred the Frugal Tooth Fairy

Posted on: Wednesday, November 14th, 2012

This is not the first dad blog about a child losing a tooth. This isn’t even the first dad blog about a child losing a tooth today! This is about something more important – TOOTH MONEY!

For the past few days, Justin has been wiggling another loose tooth. Twice, we sat down to try and pull it out…but it just wasn’t ready. Two days ago, Justin walked up to me and said, “It’s time daddy.” I said ok, grabbed a tissue, and I positioned myself to yank out #24. (I am the son of a dentist. Random information like this is stuck in my brain.) Instead, he held out his right hand and stopped me. With his left hand, he reached into his own mouth and plucked the tooth out all by himself! (Like a MAN!)

Now, it was Tooth Fairy Time. What you should know is that I gave Justin’s Tooth Fairy a name after Justin lost his first tooth. But GWE told me not to use that name because “it’s too silly and he’ll know it’s you (meaning, me) and he also knows your (me, again) handwriting.” Yes, I can be silly. However, I did not realize that our son had a degree in Graphology (the pseudoscience of Handwriting Analysis) and that he was prepared to use CSI techniques to uncover the identity of “The Tooth Fairy.” So the first note to Justin was nice and very generic.

This time, I gave The Tooth Fairy a name – Fred. Why did I name him Fred? Because everything in our house that gets named by us (minus the children) usually gets named “Fred.” Our fern is “Fred.” We have two fish: “Fred” and “Fred the Undead.” Plus, I’m pretty sure “Fred the Feces” was hiding in Garrett’s diaper this morning.

I finished “Fred the Tooth Fairy’s” letter to Justin and attached a five dollar bill. Patiently, I waited until I was satisfied that Justin was asleep before attempting to “take the tooth and leave the money.” (See below) Before I was able to “accomplish my mission,” GWE walked into the house. She approved of the note, but not of the money. She told me that five dollars was way too much and that a dollar should suffice. I disagreed. I thought five dollars was fine (although, still a little cheap.)

So, readers – I leave it to you! What is the right amount of money to leave a child when a tooth falls out?

This is the best sketch I have ever seen about Tooth Fairies!

October

2012

“Lesson Number One: Don’t Underestimate The Other Guy’s Greed.”

Posted on: Monday, October 29th, 2012

In preparation for an upcoming trip, Justin wanted to make sure that he brought his wallet with him. I knew that he had A LOT of cash in his special drawer, so I said “Justin, go get all of your money and we can count it and put it in your wallet.” He thought that was a fantastic idea and off he went to collect his money from his dresser.

After a few moments, I watched as Justin re-entered the living room. He walked into the kitchen and looked around. Then, he saw MY wallet on the counter and then proceed to open it and pull money out.

“Whoa…whoa…whoa….Justin! What are you doing?” I asked.

He said, “I’m getting my money like you said.”

I quickly pointed out that the money in my wallet was mine. In all seriousness, he looked up at me and said, “Daddy, I’m going to take this money. You need to go and get some more.”

Part of me was ready to explain the concept of money to him like we were in “Scarface” – “In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.”

Here’s the really sad part of this story…after I convinced him to leave my money in my wallet, we sat down to count his money – and he STILL had more money in his wallet than I did!

October

2012

Daddy Star-Maker

Posted on: Thursday, October 4th, 2012

I have often wondered if Justin understands what I do for a living. Explaining that I represent actors should be very simple. But the truth is, no two days are alike. While there are a number of things that are consistent, each day is vastly different. I could spend one day on the phone with casting directors pitching my clients. I could be buried in negotiations and contracts the next day. Another day could be spent on set with a client or in pitch meetings at a studio. Due to the variety of tasks I need to accomplish in any given day, I’ve wondered if Justin is old enough to understand (and if he could possibly explain it to me!)

This morning, I got my answer.

While taking Justin into school, he pulled me over to the play structure so that he could climb the rock wall. As I watched him, a little girl approached me. She could not have been more than six or seven. Politely, she asked, “Are you Justin’s daddy?”

“I am.” I answered.

“Do you make movie stars?” she asked. “Justin says that you make movie stars.”

My jaw hit the floor. I was completely taken by surprise and I tried to answer this little girl as best as I could. “Um….well, I represent actors and actresses and it’s my job to get them into television shows and movies.” It became crystal clear that Justin had been understanding some of my phone conversations in the car and my discussions at home…so, he kinda understood what I did.

With complete confidence, she stood before me. “Well, my name is (blank). I am an actress and I can sing and dance and play the piano.” (Once again, she was either six or seven.)

The gods smiled upon me and saved me from having to explain to her that I don’t represent children. Before she was able to utter another word, the teachers announced that it was time for the children to get into their lines and get ready to go to their classrooms. I told this little girl that it was nice to meet her and then I grabbed Justin by the backpack and bolted over to his classroom’s line.

As I got back into my car to leave, there were several questions swirling around my head: How much did Justin know? How many of my work conversations had he shared with his friends? I’ve used some pretty “colorful” language while dealing with certain people. There is one person I commonly refer to as “Fuck-Nuts.” And recently, we were in the car and I told a business affairs exec that their offer was so low that my client would be better paid if he chose to blow donkey dicks in a sideshow act. (After that call, I turned to Justin and told him that I meant that the client was “blowing up balloon animals.”) Had he used any of those words with anyone at school?

Or,

Did he tell this little girl what I did because he liked her? Did he just use me as his wing-man? I once had a senior agent demand that I represent an “actress” he met at a strip club one night (in lieu of paying her for his lap dances) and I had no choice…because he was a senior agent. Is my son going to make the same request some day?

Maybe I should have followed my father into dentistry.

September

2012

There’s Never an Oompa-Loompa Around When You Really Need One

Posted on: Friday, September 14th, 2012

Earlier this week, Justin came home with a note from his teacher asking for each of the children in the class to bring in an “Apple” item at the end of the week. It could be anything from apple slices to apple juice to dried apples. (I suggested Apple Beer! What’s funnier than a room full of drunken kindergarteners!?!?) These choices were too simple for my son! Instead, he informed us that he wanted “an apple cake with white frosting, sprinkles and a worm coming out of it.”

I thought “Why not?” He had something specific in mind and there was no real reason why we could not oblige. However, (after further thought) I realized that this was about to become MY homework assignment due to lack of time, Justin’s waning interest, and GWE’s travel schedule. After some intense negotiations with Justin, we settled on something a little easier…or so I thought.

Justin liked the idea of Caramel Apples with Gummy Worms. The plan was to use the apples from MOGWE’s garden, dip them into caramel, and then stick multi-colored gummy worms all over them. Easy, right? Nope.

Did you know that caramel dip doesn’t work when making caramel apples? It’s not thick enough. So, after a second trip to the grocery store, I picked up caramel candies. According to the instructions, you are supposed to put 28 candies and a ¼ cup of water into a crock pot for an hour to an hour and a half (for 8 apples), wait until thick & syrupy, and then dip! I tripled the recipe to make sure I had enough, but I forgot to take into consideration that I would need to triple the time it would take to cook. I turned the crock pot on at 7:30pm. By 10:30pm, I still had a pot of brown, sweet soup. Uh-oh!

11:00pm – brown soup…

11:30pm – brown soup….

12:00am – brown soup…

12:30am – brown soup…

1:15am – A MIRACLE OCCURRED! After nearly six hours of heating and cooling the caramel, it was finally thick enough for the apples to be dipped in.

Then, problem number 2 arose…the gummy worms were too heavy for the caramel to hold them in place. Solution: I jammed each one onto the stick so it looked like they were coming out of the bottom of the apples. (I get my best ideas at 1am!)

At 1:30am, the caramel…the apples…the gummy worms…and I – went to bed!

I would like to thank Justin’s kindergarten class for giving me a new “transferable skill.” I can now make caramel apples! All I need is the ability to guess your age/weight or make funnel cakes and my transformation into a “Carny” will be complete.

Interesting fact #1: Fresh apples float because 25 percent of their volume is air.

Interesting fact #2: Johnny Appleseed’s real name was John Chapman. And, the only surviving tree planted by Johnny Appleseed is on the farm of Richard and Phyllis Algeo of Nova, Ohio. It is named “Rambo.”

Interesting fact #3: I will never make Caramel Apples ever again!!!!

August

2012

The Word of the Day: Inappropriate

Posted on: Wednesday, August 29th, 2012

Some people have been known to sniff glue. Justin misunderstood and decided to "Sniff Blue." (Relax, it's just aerosol from the blue spray paint.)

A few weeks ago, Justin announced that he had been thinking about names for our “Man Cave” (grunt…grunt…grunt). The two leading contenders were:

“Girls Don’t Come In Here. Boys Only. Man Cave.”

And the longer:

“Girls Don’t Come in this Shed Because It’s Only for Boys.”

On our way to school this morning, Justin announced that had been thinking of a new name!

“Daddy? I have a new name for the shed.” Justin said.

“What do you want to call it?” I asked, in anticipation of his great mind at work.

“Okay daddy….how about the ‘Man-Boy Cave?’ I was quiet for a moment.

(Oh, great….the last thing I wanted was to have my 5 ½ year old son telling people that we have a place in the backyard that we built called the “Man-Boy Cave.” It either evokes the imagery of Michael Jackson bringing young boys to “Neverland Ranch” or gives the broad impression that something very weird was going on in there. Neither of which are accurate! And, just to clarify, I only told him to ‘put the lotion in the basket’ once after we applied wood sealant to the desk without wearing gloves!)

“Well, Justin….I like that you’re thinking of names, but that one may be a little inappropriate.” I answered cautiously.

“What does ‘inappropriate’ mean?” he asked.

“Inappropriate means that the name isn’t a good representation of what the shed is becoming. It doesn’t fit.”

“What does ‘representation’ mean?” he inquired.

“Well….representation is…” I gave up. “Justin, I love you, but think of another name.”

He sat quietly for a few moments and I could see him thinking.

Finally, he said, “You’re right daddy. ‘Man-Boy Cave’ doesn’t fit because it’s too long. How about just “Man Cave” (grunt…grunt…grunt!)

Relieved, I said, “I think that’s a great name. Good job!”

Whew!

Website Design by: Ben Giroux Design