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May

2013

I Can’t Get My Kids to Take Drugs!

Posted on: Sunday, May 5th, 2013

Is it still considered "Pier Pressure" when it's the parents forcing the drugs on the children???

Is it still considered “Peer Pressure” when it’s the parent forcing the drugs on their own child???

In my house, our kids have taken “Just say ‘no’ to drugs” way too far. While I do appreciate that my 1 1/2 year old son has said, “ARBAGOH-WEE” (translation: “No”) to crack, LSD, heroin, ‘shrooms, and Kitty Tranquilizers. GWE and I have had the hardest time getting Garrett to take his antibiotics!!

Garrett is free and clear of his conjunctivitis now, but getting one medicine into his mouth and another medicine into his eyes almost broke us physically and emotionally. I couldn’t help but feel like I was “Antibiotic Water-Boarding” my own kid.

My first mistake was trying to give him the medicine by myself. The first time I did it, I stood in the parking lot of the pharmacy and attempted to jam medicine into Garrett while he was strapped into his car seat. He knew what was coming and he clamped his mouth and eyes shut. He then screamed bloody murder, punched me a number of times, and cried ALOT. (I can only imagine what other people thought as they walked past us.) We ended up with more medicine on us than inside of him.

GWE pulled into the parking lot 15 minutes later and found us both dazed and bewildered. I was slumped over in the driver’s seat exhausted, sweating, and depressed that Garrett hated me for what I tried to do to him. Garrett continued to kick my seat all the while screaming at me – “DA-DA, DA-DA, DA-DA.”

Luckily, from that point on, GWE and I joined forces in order to get him to take his medicine. I held his hands back (like he was about to receive electroshock therapy) and GWE shoved the syringe into the back of his mouth and squirted. Garrett became the master of hiding his tongue in the back of his mouth and then pushing the medicine forward through his teeth and out his mouth just as GWE removed he syringe. We ended up with medicine everywhere. Thanks to Garrett’s regurgitation technique, these are the following things that won’t get conjunctivitis now: his highchair, my hands, GWE’s hands, the floor, one of my shirts, GWE’s hair, and my rear tire and hubcap (I blame GWE for that one.)

Needless to say, GWE and I are still traumatized.

Does anyone know if it’s illegal to chloroform a child under two in order to get medicine into their body without a fight?

April

2013

Pestering Celebrities on Behalf of My Son!

Posted on: Monday, April 29th, 2013

As I’ve mentioned before on this blog (click here to see), Justin is a huge fan of “America’s Funniest Home Videos” with Tom Bergeron (or as Justin says, “Fur-geron.”) To Justin’s way of thinking, Tom is not only the host of the show, but he must also be the person who selects each video and chooses who wins the grand prize each week! GWE and I have even witnessed Justin talking to the television during the show as if Tom Bergeron could hear him.

Since I represent celebrities, a “star sighting” is a daily occurrence and not that unusual. And, since my wife does a lot with the Television Academy here in Los Angeles, she is not immune to the occasional sighting as well. Fortunately, we were together when we ran into Tom Bergeron at a Television Academy event (where two of my clients were presenting!)

We could not pass up this opportunity. When Tom was done with the Red Carpet, GWE pulled him aside…explained who we were (not lunatic stalkers)…explained that our son was an “AFV Uber-fan”…and politely asked if we could take a picture with him for Justin. He happily agreed. (GWE even went on to explain our son’s mis-pronunciation of Tom’s last name. He laughed and told us a few of the variations he had heard as well.)

The following morning, GWE and I walked into the living room and found Justin playing on a iPad while sitting on the sofa. We asked him to put the iPad away so that we could show him something. GWE pulled up the picture and showed it to Justin.

At first there was a mild recognition of what he was looking at. After a few seconds, it finally hit him and his eyes almost popped out of his skull. I could see the synapses in his brain exploding.

“YOU MET TOM FUR-GERON????????” asked Justin.

“Yes, we did!” exclaimed GWE. “And, we told him all about you and that you were a fan of his.”

“Cooooooooooooool.” he responded.

Justin looked at the picture one more time, smiled….and then went back to playing on the iPad as if nothing had happened.

April

2013

Domo Arigato, Justin’s Roboto!

Posted on: Monday, April 22nd, 2013

Should I be worried that Justin is calling his Project “Sky Net?” (It’s a “Terminator” reference. Look it up.)

As my sister accurately assessed, Justin is the son my parents always wanted. Allow me to explain….My father is a Dentist (Science) and my mother is a Dental Hygienist (Science), plus she still does the office accounting (Math). They were blessed with a son who had no scientific aspirations and an amazing inability to add or subtract correctly. (To this day, I can still add 2 plus 2 and get 5.) However, Justin has begun to excel in his science and math studies! Even though he is in Kindergarten, he has begun working on fractions and a few weeks ago he excitedly told me about the molecules he built in science class using marshmallows and pretzel sticks.

In an effort to foster his love of science and math, we signed him up for a Robotics Class on Saturday mornings. This past Saturday was his first class. Together, we walked into the classroom and met one of the instructors. She sat Justin down and began to instruct him on what he would be doing. Each child was given a box of “Brain” parts and “Body” parts. They were told to follow the step-by-step construction directions on the iPad in front of them and then program the “Brain” to control the body. I stood in the corner talking pictures and video. It was very exciting.

As soon as the instructor walked away, Justin mouthed the word “HELP” and motioned for me to come over. I quickly walked over to him and began to “assist” him in the construction of his robot. After a few moments, I looked up and discovered a stern-looking woman in the doorway motioning for me to come and speak with her. I told Justin I would be right back and exited the room.

The woman began to chastise me that I was NOT to help Justin in any way. They were fine with me taking pictures and video, but I was not to interact with my child AT ALL! She continued to tell me in a harsh and fairly inappropriate tone that Justin needed to do this on his own so that they would be able to better assess his ability and learning level. Part of me wanted to say, “I’m paying for this and you can kiss my ass if you think I’m not going to help my kid…WHO JUST ASKED FOR MY HELP?” The other part of me thought that maybe I was being a “Helicopter Parent” (one who continually hovers over his child) and that maybe I should walk away.

So – I can’t really blog about the outcome of this adventure because I was asked to leave. I don’t know how it ended!! GWE was allowed to stay with Justin and see his final product, while I was relegated to sitting in the car in the parking lot with Garrett.

According to GWE, it was amazing and Justin built a robot that drove around in a square. Here is the video:

I have been asked to leave many classrooms in my academic career. I didn’t realize it would be possible to get kicked out of my kid’s classes as well!!

April

2013

Do you know the Muffin Man?

Posted on: Thursday, April 4th, 2013

Muffin Each culture has their own unique traditions when it comes to showing appreciation for a tasty meal. In America, we leave a tip. In Japan, you can show your appreciation by buying your sushi chef a beer. In Spain, I’ve heard that it’s not uncommon to burp or fart as an act of gratitude for a wonderful meal.

My youngest son has decided to show his appreciation for my cooking in a way that I could never have imagined.

This past Sunday morning, I got up with Garrett. I changed his diaper (washed my hands afterwards) and together we decided to make breakfast for everyone before they woke up. With Garrett’s help, we decided to make blueberry muffins. I grabbed the muffin mix from the pantry along with some oil, milk, and eggs. (Garrett especially liked touching the eggs. He would rub the top of each egg and then laugh hysterically.) Together, we mixed the batter, poured it into the muffin pan, and then placed them in the oven.

Eight and a half minutes later, Justin emerged from his room with “I smell muffins!!” I decided to have some fun with him. “No, Justin…there are no muffins here. I don’t know what you are talking about.”

He looked on the counter – no muffins. He looked on the table – no muffins. He looked on the stove – no muffins. Perplexed, but confident, he stood his ground. “I smell muffins, daddy!” I smiled and opened the stove to show him that they were still baking.

Patiently, he and Garrett waited until the muffins were out of the oven and cooled down. I placed two on Justin’s plate and one on Garrett’s. I gave Justin his plate and he was pleased. I took Garrett’s plate and sat at the table. I decided to tear his apart for him and hand it to him piece by piece.

This is when I witnessed Garrett’s version of “appreciation.” Garrett took the first piece of muffin and put it up to his mouth. He did not eat it. It was a half sniff/brush-against-the-lips. Bravely, he popped the muffin into his mouth. I saw him smile and say “mmmmm.” And then, after a little chewing, he pulled the piece of muffin out of his mouth, threw it on the ground, and stepped on it with his heel (like he was smashing glass at a Jewish wedding.)

I proceeded to hand him three more pieces. And, three more times, he placed them in his mouth – chewed them – pulled the remnants out of his mouth – tossed them on the floor – and, then stomped on them with the heel of his foot.

I’m not sure if I should take it as a bizarre sign of gratitude or an act of gastronomic defiance. I keep wondering, “What would Bourdain do in this situation? I know his agent. Maybe I’ll call him!”

April

2013

I’m a Good Father, but a Sore Loser!

Posted on: Wednesday, April 3rd, 2013

Game My parents were in town this weekend and they spoiled the boys with gifts and games. Justin was fascinated by a magnetic Checker board they bought him. Without knowing the first thing about how to play Checkers, he challenged my mother to a “friendly” game.

I sat next to him and guiding him on how to play the game while (at the same time) reminding my mother that he was only six years old and had never played before. Basically, I told her to “take a dive” and let the kid win. It’s not easy to purposely lose at anything, but my mother was gracious and allowed my son to triple jump her pieces for the win!

The following day, Justin was feeling confidant in his Checkers skills and challenged me to a game as well. In all honesty, I was not able to take my own advice. I am a grown man with a competitive nature, an inability to accept failure, and the Grinch-like heartlessness to cheat against a child when it comes to boardgames. Was I about to lose to a loud-mouth, six year old? Nope. (I tried. I really tried. But, Justin was taunting me verbally and I had to “knock him down a peg.”) Needless to say, I destroyed him.

Since the rules of Checkers have not changed much in the past 100 years, Justin and I took it upon ourselves to add a few updated “allowances” to the game. They are as follows:

1) As long as your finger is on the opponent’s checker, they cannot move it.

2) If your opponent gets up for a glass of water or a pee break, you are allowed to remove two of their pieces from the board. If they don’t notice within 10 seconds of returning to the game, they don’t deserve to have them returned.

3) And finally, “King Me” is the least of your worries. I am introducing the checker piece entitled, the “King Of Pain.” I explained to Justin that if I stack 7 pieces on top of one another, my “King of Pain” can move as many spaces as it wants and in any direction and at any time – red spaces included!!

King of Pain

You may read this and think to yourself, “What kind of a monster can’t let a child win a game of Checkers?” I promise – one or two taunts from a 6 year old and you’ll be reaching for the “King of Pain” as well!!

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