April
03
2013
Posted on: Wednesday, April 3rd, 2013

GameMy parents were in town this weekend and they spoiled the boys with gifts and games. Justin was fascinated by a magnetic Checker board they bought him. Without knowing the first thing about how to play Checkers, he challenged my mother to a “friendly” game.

I sat next to him and guiding him on how to play the game while (at the same time) reminding my mother that he was only six years old and had never played before. Basically, I told her to “take a dive” and let the kid win. It’s not easy to purposely lose at anything, but my mother was gracious and allowed my son to triple jump her pieces for the win!

The following day, Justin was feeling confidant in his Checkers skills and challenged me to a game as well. In all honesty, I was not able to take my own advice. I am a grown man with a competitive nature, an inability to accept failure, and the Grinch-like heartlessness to cheat against a child when it comes to boardgames. Was I about to lose to a loud-mouth, six year old? Nope. (I tried. I really tried. But, Justin was taunting me verbally and I had to “knock him down a peg.”) Needless to say, I destroyed him.

Since the rules of Checkers have not changed much in the past 100 years, Justin and I took it upon ourselves to add a few updated “allowances” to the game. They are as follows:

1) As long as your finger is on the opponent’s checker, they cannot move it.

2) If your opponent gets up for a glass of water or a pee break, you are allowed to remove two of their pieces from the board. If they don’t notice within 10 seconds of returning to the game, they don’t deserve to have them returned.

3) And finally, “King Me” is the least of your worries. I am introducing the checker piece entitled, the “King Of Pain.” I explained to Justin that if I stack 7 pieces on top of one another, my “King of Pain” can move as many spaces as it wants and in any direction and at any time – red spaces included!!

King of Pain

You may read this and think to yourself, “What kind of a monster can’t let a child win a game of Checkers?” I promise – one or two taunts from a 6 year old and you’ll be reaching for the “King of Pain” as well!!

April
02
2013
Posted on: Tuesday, April 2nd, 2013

We were warned early on – child number one will want all of his toys, but won’t be so territorial about them. However, child number two will only want one or two toys…but, god help you if you touch those toys.

Binky1

Pictured above is The Binky. To be safe, we actually have two of these. There is one in the crib and another in the diaper bag. It is a little “sucky” with an animal attached to the other side.

This toy has prevented nuclear meltdowns, tantrums of epic proportions, and quite possibly prevented Garrett from climbing out of his crib in the middle of the night to kill me in my sleep. I imagine him waking up at 3am and deciding that he doesn’t like how I’ve been blowing raspberries into his belly. He is probably thinking, “I’ve had it with his asshole and his crappy diapering skills. I’m going to smother him with his pillow tonight.” And then “suck…suck…suck,” he’s asleep again.

For about a week, Binky #1 disappeared and we had to use Binky #2 in its place. GWE and I began to panic. We were unclear as to what would happen if Binky #2 also disappeared. We were concerned and talking about what Plan C would be.

Somehow, Binky #1 reappeared in the middle of the crib one afternoon. Our nanny assumed that I found it. I assumed that GWE found it. GWE assumed that the nanny found it. None of us know where it was or how it came back.

I’m starting to wonder if Garrett was running a “Binky Drill” to see how we would react to the loss of his favorite toy. I don’t know if we passed or failed. All I know is that the Binky is back and it’s been LoJacked to prevent future disappearances!

March
28
2013
Posted on: Thursday, March 28th, 2013

Pic2

There are times when I see Justin and he wants nothing to do with Garrett. There are also times when I see him “share” his space with his brother. (I call it “Playing Together Adjacently.”)

However, I never expected to have insight into the mind of Justin with regards to how he felt about his brother like this. I’m impressed!

 

February
03
2013
Posted on: Sunday, February 3rd, 2013

Snuggle1A few weeks ago, Garrett was miserable. He had a runny nose, terrible cough, and (after a quick doctor’s visit) we discovered that he had an ear infection in his right ear. He was not happy! GWE and I did the best we could to handle the situation, but a cold is a cold and at some point there is not much a parent can do but simply hold your ailing child and wait for the medicine to “kick in.” Justin knew that his brother wasn’t feeling well, so he decided to stay away.

In an effort to give Justin his own time, I decided to pick up him up from school one afternoon and take him out to dinner – just the two of us. We found ourselves at the mall. While wandering around looking for a place to eat, we found ourselves in front of a “Build-A-Bear” store. I was expecting Justin to turn towards me and ask if he could have a toy. To my surprise (and shock), Justin did turn to me, but instead he said “We need to make Garrett a teddy bear so he’ll feel better.” I could not argue with that logic.

Justin took it upon himself to create the perfect teddy bear for his brother. I just sat back and watched. He chose the style (a rabbit), the type of “heart” that went inside, the clothes, and a pair of sunglasses. Finally, when he was ready to stuff the bear, the attendant asked him if he wanted anything else put inside. She then showed him a recorder that would allow him to record his own voice. All Garrett would have to do is push the rabbit’s paw and Justin’s voice would play. He loved the idea and recorded: “Hi Garrett. It’s me – Justin! I hope you enjoy this bunny rabbit! I hope you love it! Bye!”

And then, the final decision needed to be made. What do we name him? After careful consideration, debate, and the flip of a coin – Justin chose “Snuggle McMugglepants.”

Snuggle2

The following morning, Justin presented Garrett with his new gift. Garrett looked at it for a moment and then tackled it out of excitement. Then, Justin activated the recorder and Garrett froze when he heard Justin’s voice coming from the rabbit. He wasn’t sure what to think. After the recording ended, Garrett resumed his “attack” of the rabbit and tried to eat its face!

I suppose that means he liked it!

January
23
2013
Posted on: Wednesday, January 23rd, 2013

HouseAny first year psychology student can tell you about Pavlov’s Theory of Classical Conditioning. Pavlov was a Russian scientist who won the 1904 Pulitzer Prize after spending years and years working on his theories which explained that with the right stimulus, you can provoke a conditioned response.

Garrett is a 15 month old toddler who lives in Los Angeles. He was able to figure this theory out in about five minutes.

Pavlov used dogs. Garrett used daddy (and a plastic dog.)

We’ve been teaching Garrett sign language. We found that it helped to eliminate the “Terrible Twos” with Justin because he was able to communicate with us. The most popular sign is “More.” All Garrett has to do it smack his hands together and he has told us that he wants more of something. Usually, it’s food – but, it can be anything. He could be telling us that he wants us to read him another book at night or sing him another song. If one of us does something he thinks is funny, he signs “more” for us to do it again.

Last night, he successfully trained me and then became very frustrated when I couldn’t deviate from his plan. While playing with him and his toy house, I pushed his dog into the doghouse and it made a funny sound he had never heard before. He clapped his hands: “More,” so I did it again. He clapped his hands: “More,” so I did it a third time. Again and again and again, he would clap his hands and I would make the doggy bark. Finally, I did it one more time…and he turned towards me with an unhappy expression on his face and yelled something that sounded like “Eeeaayyyaaeeee!” I didn’t know what that meant. I reached for the doggy again and he pushed my hand away…and then he clapped, “More.” I reached for the doggy again and he pushed my hand away…and then he clapped “More” again!

Confused, I reached over to flush the potty in the toy house. He pushed my hand away…and clapped “More.” I pressed the doorbell and he screamed at me, pushed my hand away, and clapped for “More.”

“More what?!?!?!?!” I asked.

He looked me dead in the eyes and clapped.

Eyes“I don’t understand!!! MORE WHAT?????” I asked again.

He looked me dead in the eyes and clapped again…and louder.

“WHAT DO YOU WANT!?!?!?!! TELL ME!!!!”

He looked me dead in the eyes and clapped again.

“AAAAARRGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!”

It’s at this point, I suspected that I knew how Edgar Allen Poe had lost his mind. He was probably playing with his young children who ended up driving him insane by screaming like Ravens: “Nevermore!! Nevermore!!”