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October

2012

The Big “Uno”

Posted on: Wednesday, October 10th, 2012

First Taste of Sugar! (Birthday Cupcake)

Today is Garrett Logan Priluck’s first birthday. Or, as I like to refer to it, the first anniversary of the second time I got a peek at my wife’s internal organs.

I have spent a whole year with this “stranger” in the house and I’ve learned a lot about him. These are just a few of the things that I now know about my son:

1) He has a dance move called, “The Garrett” – he puts his arms straight out and ‘flaps’ them as fast as possible back and forth towards his body when he gets excited.

2) He is a non-stop drool machine. Garrett is like a snail. Just follow the trail of slime and you will find him at the end of it.

3) He will get your attention by slamming his legs down repeatedly.

4) He is always happy, even when he is sick. I’ve never seen a happier child (with the exception of Justin.)

5) When he crawls into my room and settles near my nightstand, he always pulls out the same book – “Tales from The Far Side.” (I guess he likes talking cows.)

6) His guilty pleasure is to sneak into his big brother’s room while no one is watching. He likes to prop himself up on the stool or play with the fake sword cover.

7) He will eat anything. Baby food, pizza, pasta, hummus, chili, etc. It’s just a waiting game to see what he can digest and what he can’t. We affectionately call this, “When did Garrett eat corn!?!?!?”

8) He likes to do “Super Baby” (me lifting him in the air while laying on my back on the master bed.) After he ‘lands’, he immediately rolls over and tries to climb back on top of my chest for another ride. However, he usually gets tired and ends up sitting on my face.

9) Garrett’s attempts at kissing include him using his teeth (and biting.)

10) Garrett prefers to be naked. (Who doesn’t?)

11) He desperately wants Justin’s green television remote control. In fact, he wants it so badly that he is willing to put himself in harm’s way to get it. (Justin has shown great restraint. He has not whupped his little brother’s ass over this issue….yet.)

12) He has a fascination with my bathroom. He just likes being in there. I have no idea why.

It has been a fantastic year of getting to know Garrett. He is sweet, loud, gentle, funny, strong, cute, and produces the foulest poops you could ever imagine. Happy Birthday, Monkey!!

September

2012

My Name Is Aunt Jemima. You Killed My Father. Prepare to Die.

Posted on: Thursday, September 20th, 2012

Earlier this week, Justin and I decided to go out for breakfast. I asked him where he wanted to go and he chose IHop. While we were in the car, the following conversation took place:

Me: “I am going to get the biggest pancake they have.”

Justin: “Ooh….me too! I want one bigger than my head!”

Me: “I want one bigger than my whole body!”

And then, Justin’s imagination kicked in….

Justin: “Daddy, I want you to get a big pancake and when the lady puts it in front of you, I want you to grab your fork and then the pancake will grab the knife and you will fight each other to see who gets to eat who. And you will lose. And then the pancake will cut you into little pieces and then grab the syrup and pour it all over you and then eat you.”

Me: “Well, that sucks.”

Justin: “And daddy…when the pancake is done eating you, it will poop you out like scrambled eggs.”

Me: “I think I’ll just have some toast now. Thanks.”

Justin: “It’s ok daddy, because I am going to kill and eat your pancake’s baby pancake.”

Me: “You will avenge me?”

Justin: “I will say, ‘This is for eating my daddy,’ and then I will pour syrup on him and eat him.”

Me: “Thanks buddy.”

September

2012

The Mexican (Porcelain) Stand-Off

Posted on: Tuesday, September 18th, 2012

On Saturday morning I heard Justin yell from the bathroom – “Daddy, I’m all done. Come and wipe my butt.”

I love my son, but I am tired of wiping his ass. He is able to wipe his own butt at school, with his grandparents, and even in public restrooms. However, when we’re at home, his laziness knows no bounds. In an effort to “cut him off cold turkey,” I have openly refused to wipe his butt…but, there are times when I’ve caved. Sometimes, I’d rather just get it over with than to fight it out. I have been weak.

But, on Saturday morning, I decided to stand my ground. “Justin, you are a big boy! You can wipe your own butt.”

“No, Daddy! Come and wipe my butt!” he yelled from down the hall.

“Justin, you can do it. I know you can. Just wipe your own butt.” I demanded/begged.

“Right now, daddy!!” he yelled even louder.

“Justin! I am not going to wipe your butt. You do it.” I said.

“Fine,” he said defiantly. “I’ll wait for mommy to do it.”

(Okay…this was going to be interesting….)

One minute passed…and then another…and then another….

“Daddy?” he said sweetly.

“Yeeesssssss…..” I replied with a smile on my face.

“When is mommy coming home?” he asked.

“Monday night.” I answered. There was silence.

“How many ‘naps’ is that?” he cautiously asked.

“Mommy will be back in two and a half days. Do you want me to bring your meals into the bathroom since you’ll be there for a while?”

With a groan I heard, “Ugh…fine. I’ll wipe it all by myself.”

Daddy: 1 Justin’s Butt: 0

September

2012

Man-mageddon 2012 (Recapped)

Posted on: Tuesday, September 18th, 2012

For five days, the Priluck men fended for themselves. Damage was done, chaos ensued, and then…there was poop. Regardless, we all had fun and everyone is still alive. Here are our status updates from the past few days:

(9/13/12) Man-mageddon, Day 1: So far, all is well. GWE is on her plane, Garrett is at daycare, Justin is in Kindergarten, and I am trying to jam 24 hours worth of work into about 10 hours. I suspect the chaos will kick in this evening!

(9/13/12) Man-mageddon, Day 1 1/2: Well, I accidentally locked the kids out of the house for a short time, failed to properly follow the “melting caramel” instructions for Justin’s homework, and there is a weird smell coming from somewhere in the house. Other than that, very little else for me to screw up this evening.

(9/14/12) Man-mageddon Day 2: woke up after only four hours of sleep. Got Justin up, dressed, and fed. Woke up Garrett, realized he had a baby-cold, “chipped” the dried boogers off of his face, and dosed him with baby Tylenol. Threw everyone (including the caramel apples) into the car. Got to school, dropped off child #1 and his treats. Ran to CVS for more baby drugs. Fed #2 more food while standing in the parking lot. Got him to school. Raced home to shower…all before 9am!

(915/12) Man-mageddon, Day 3: Just cleaned up the Niagara Falls of poop which flowed out of Garrett’s diaper and onto the carpet. Why even bother wearing pants?!?! New house rule, no one in this house wears pants until Monday and I’ll just schedule the carpet cleaner for Tuesday. Let the “Dirty Trail Blazing” begin! (Re: Man-mageddon updates. Should Garrett chose a life of politics, one day these Facebook updates will re-appear under the headline: “Candidate Prefers to Shit on Floor.”)

(9/16/12) Man-mageddon, Day 4: The boys must have had a good day yesterday because they both woke up an hour late! (Too bad I was up at 4am.) We’ve got crazy plans today! Farmers market, hair cuts, brunch, playground….INSANE!!! Keep your women away because someone’s getting pregnant by one of the Pantless Prilucks (see yesterday’s update) before the day is over!!

(9/17/12) Man-mageddon, Day 5: The crazy train is coming to an end today because mommy is coming home. Like any conductor, I have to decide if I will bring the train in slowly or crash us into the station, thereby destroying everything and everyone around us. Ah, I will let the 11 month old decide our fate! Hahahahaha!!!!!

(9/17/12) Man-mageddon, Day 5.5: Our Man-pocolypse will be ending shortly. Garrett, Justin, and I owe some apologies for our behavior this weekend. Sorry to every waitress who served us over the past few days – Garrett was a little “grabby” and the floor looked too clean. Sorry to everyone at the Farmer’s Market – Justin’s butt could not handle all that fiber. (Worst fart ever!) Sorry to Pooh Bear – Garrett may have inappropriately “humped and dumped” you, but he still respects you. And finally, sorry to anyone who had to be near me over the past five days. The children are twice as clean as I am. You do the math.

August

2012

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Explanations

Posted on: Tuesday, August 7th, 2012

This is a picture I took of Garrett at 6:15am on Saturday morning. By this time, I had already fed him, bathed him, changed him, and diapered him. This picture was taken seconds after he decided to poop into his diaper and a few moments before he chose to “investigate” my briefcase and then spit-up several ounces of his breakfast into the middle divider and onto a feature contract I had been working on revising.

The excuse used to be – “my dog ate my homework.” Now, it’s – “my baby threw up on your contract.”

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