During a moment of honesty, Jerry Maguire (Tom Cruise) turns to his star client and confides that while he likes a woman he’s been dating, he’s “hanging in there” because he really enjoys spending time with her kid. Rod Tidwell (Cuba Gooding Jr.) stops him and responds: “I feel for you, man. But a real man wouldn’t shoplift the pootie from a single mother.”
Sherlock has now come close to shoplifting not one, but two pooties at the same time!
Just before the holiday break, Sherlock called to tell me about two women he’s been casually seeing. Both are from out of town. Both are single mothers. And, (shockingly) both know-“ish” about each other! To make a very, very, very long and complicated story short – Sherlock invited both women (who happened to be in town with their kids at the same time) to a popular amusement park. While one mother took all the children on a ride, Sherlock and the other mother would spend some “quality time” together. When the supervising parent returned, the women would switch…thereby allowing for mommy #2 to get her fair share of Sherlock. Somehow, Sherlock, the mommies, and the unsuspecting children successfully left the park satisfied and no one’s feelings were hurt.
I’m a father with two children. The only way I know when it’s time to leave an amusement park is when someone’s feelings are hurt!!! I don’t know about other parents, but nothing about going to an amusement park with screaming children, expensive ticket prices, long lines, souvenir demands, meltdowns, tantrums, sugary spasms of deliriousness, and sugary crashes of depression are a turn-on! At no point have I ever been amorous while chaperoning my children around a theme park. I’m too focused on not losing a child in the crowd or not having my child get decapitated on a ride that hasn’t been properly maintained since before I was born!
If GWE ever pulled me aside to have her way with me at Disneyland, I’d think she was suffering from some delusion. There is no possible way for a parent to be aroused while forcing your way through a sea of a million screaming children. (Gee – I wonder how sperm do it.) If GWE did feel the need to touch me in a theme park, it’s because she’s actually rummaging through my pockets looking for loose change or she’s so dehydrated that she is attempting to twist off my head in order to drink me like a bottle of Diet Coke!
Single people can leave a theme park “satisfied.” Married people with kids leave a park thinking one of two things: 1) “Why did we have so many kids?” and/or 2) “This would have been much more fun without the children!”
Yet somehow, Sherlock managed to demonstrate that it’s a small (and perverted) world after all!
Justin had his first real homework assignment last week. Correction: GWE did Justin’s first real homework assignment for him last week. As we all know, it’s a slippery slope – you do one assignment for your kid in pre-school and 12 years later you find yourself robbing a bank to pay “Sleazy Larry” for the SAT answers the night before the test. It’s not pretty.
Week by week, all of the kids in Justin’s class had been doing presentations (with visual aids) on their “culture.” Some kids talked about which country they were from, some talked about their family’s religion, and some talked about living in a home where their culture revolved around sports. GWE decided that Justin’s culture would be “Southern Cuisine.” And, since we had just returned from Atlanta with bunches of brochures and plates from the Coca-Cola Museum and hats from The Varsity and The Waffle House, we had plenty of souvenirs for Justin’s class.
I will spare you the boring details for how everything came together. What GWE and I were surprised to discover was that Justin is a Master Orator! He had no problem standing in front of his class to make his presentation. With the excitement and vigor of a Soapbox Preacher extoling the virtues of Heaven, Justin began to tell his class of the magical place called “ATLANTA.” It is the home of Papa Jeff and Grandma Penny! It has an aquarium with whales! It also has a place called The Waffle House that serves – WAFFLES! The more he spoke about his culture, the more animated he became.
Once everyone had their hats on and were in their seats, Justin provided everyone with GWE’s Southern favorite – raisin toast with apple butter! In five years, that was the quietest I had ever heard any classroom at Justin’s school. Silently, little “munchkins” munched on their treats. When they were done, they all hailed Justin for making their day better and sweeter!
I went back to the school to pick up Justin (and Garrett) later that afternoon. As I sat in the car, I watched kids leave the classroom. They were still wearing their Varsity hats…SEVEN HOURS LATER. Clearly, Justin’s presentation made an impact and I could see that he clearly felt very good about himself.
When GWE returned home, she asked Justin if he had a good day. In an effort to get a “thank you” from her son for all of her hard work, GWE specifically asked Justin what the best part of the day was. He thought about it for a moment and said, “Nap time!”
“No, no, no,” she said, while still looking for some recognition of her contributions. “What was the BEST part of your day today?”
He thought about it again for a few more seconds and replied, “I really liked Nap Time today!”
Ice Cube once wrote a song about how good it was to ride in a limo with his “female friends” and how they “hit the sunroof and contemplate all the freaks they can run through.” Whenever I think of limousines, I think of one of two things: 1) Prom night with drunk girls half-naked in a limo, or 2) Rappers in a music video….with drunk girls half-naked in a limo. What I NEVER thought I would witness was my six month old and my five year old chillin’ in a limo on the way to the airport.
On a recent trip to Atlanta, Greatest Wife Ever and I contemplated how to get two adults, two children, luggage, carry-ons, toys, and a stroller into one car. Realizing that this was impossible, we discussed taking two cars to The Parking Spot (a local parking structure) instead. However, after further financial analysis, we realized – it was going to be pretty damn expensive to keep two cars stored for 5 days! All of a sudden, one of us (can’t remember who) had the genius idea of hiring a van to take us to the airport. What a fantastic idea?!?! Lots of space in a van, no parking hassle, and neither of us had to drive. GWE called a service, set it up, and I never thought twice about it.
On the day of the flight, the driver called and notified us that he had arrived. Justin and I stepped outside first to meet him. We were greeted by a shiny, black, stretched limo. Justin’s eyes got wide and he whispered to himself, “coooool.” As it turns out, their SUV was not available – but their “Get-You-Pregnant-On-Prom-Night” Limo was!
My first task was to figure out how to strap in an infant’s car seat. I guarantee I am the first person in history to attempt this. Limos are not meant for infant carriers. I got “creative” with the seatbelt, but I’m fairly certain that any unexpected braking would have caused Garrett and his carrier to go tumbling down the aisle of the limo like they were the rock boulder in the beginning of “Indiana Jones.” Next, I loaded three pieces of luggage, two carry–ons, and a stroller. Finally, I buckled Justin into his seat and GWE and I settled in.
Justin could not contain his excitement during the ride. With a distance of 5 ½ feet between us and GWE in the middle, Justin and I pretended to do magic tricks for each other. Then, we “yelled” all the way down the car to one another. And finally, we pretended to shoot guns at each other. As we pulled up to the airport, Justin unstrapped himself and began to do the “Shaking Butt Dance” out of happiness! He then ran down the aisle and pounced on us.
I hope Justin and Garrett enjoyed their limo ride. I’m just afraid that we’re setting the bar at an unreachable level. What’s next for them?
I’m putting my foot down. No private jets until they are old enough to wipe their own asses!!