It’s true. Sports cars make men look sexier!

What do you get the kid who graduates Kindergarten? An Aston Martin, right??? (I’m not getting him the Bugatti Veyron until his Middle School Graduation.)

The day after Justin graduated Kindergarten, I got a call from Aldis Hodge. He wanted to know where I would be in one hour. I told him that I was working from the house while watching Justin. He responded, “I’ll be right over.”

Exactly one hour later, I heard an engine “growl” in my driveway…then stop…and finally, there was a knock at my front door. As I opened the door, I saw Aldis Hodge wearing a gigantic smile. In his hand was a key-less, automobile “key.” And finally, sitting in my driveway was one of the most beautiful pieces of machinery ever built – an Aston Martin DB9 Volante Convertible.

To make a long (and potentially self-incriminating with regards to Child Protective Services) story short, I slid into the driver’s seat while Justin sat on Aldis’ lap in the passenger seat. With a great amount of caution (and a quick review of my auto insurance policy), I revved the engine and backed out of the driveway. Together, we cruised the neighborhood in style! (Clients are always welcome to come to my home…as long as they roll up in style!)

“Hey Justin….Let’s not tell mommy about this. Ok?”

I’d like the thank Aldis for bringing this beautiful masterpiece to my house! By parking that car in my driveway, he single-handedly made me look cool to my kid, raised my property value, and potentially made me a target for a neighborhood burglary. Thanks buddy!

This is how a friendly game of “Peek-A-Boo” turns kids into “Peeping Toms!”

Garrett and I decided to play a friendly game of “Where’s the Baby?” on Sunday morning. The first time we played, he hid in his room. The second time we played, he hid in the middle of the hallway while happily screaming, “DA-DA, DA-DA.” (I don’t think he got the concept of “hide” that time.) The third time we played, he sent me into a panic that no parent should ever have to endure. I genuinely could not find him.

At first, I simply did not see him. When I noticed that I didn’t hear him either, it began to worry me. At the two minute mark, I had a full blown panic attack and tore the house apart looking for him. It wasn’t until I began opening the cabinets in the kitchen that I heard heavy breathing and then finally a “DA-DA!!” I looked up and this is where I found him.

I think this one game of “Where’s the Baby?” shaved 15 years off my life!

On many occasions, Justin has been to GWE’s offices. When he visited her office, he spent the day meeting all of her co-workers, watched TV, playing with his/my iPad, and napping. And, each time he came home, he would tell me stories of the free snacks and sodas at mommy’s office. He loved the idea of being able to walk up to a counter in her office and take whatever treats he wanted…and it was encouraged!

It dawned on me this morning, that I needed to impress my own son at the office. As you can see from the picture below, all I had to impress Justin with was a blender and some Johnnie Walker Black Label. (And, let’s be honest, what 6 year old doesn’t like Johnnie Walker on the rocks at 10am?)

Before arriving at the office this morning, I made a slight detour and picked up some things I knew he would like. I decided to treat Justin’s arrival at the office as if it were a client signing meeting! Instead of printing tracking grids, project notes, and a “hit list” of the producers and directors I planned on calling on his behalf, I decided to “sign” my son with Gummy Bears and BBQ chips and all the soda his bladder could contain.

He is going to spend the day “buzzed” from caffeine or he’ll spend it crashing from the sugar rush! Either way, I will have bought my son’s love and affection for 1 work day….and I’m okay with that.

Four weeks later, Justin and I entered the Robotics School for his last “pre-paid” session. I was prepared for the return of the “Full Court Press” and had my excuses ready as to why we would not be continuing with the program. I was going to start with: “Well, it’s the Summer and we want Justin to do outside activities.” I was prepared with the backup: “Well, we’re going to be traveling to see family this Summer and we wouldn’t be around much.” And finally, I had the “Discussion Ender” ready if push came to shove. It was: “You people creep the hell out of me and I want you to leave my son alone.”

Sure enough, I was summoned to the main office while Justin was hard at work in the classroom. The same owner who approached GWE weeks earlier curtly asked, “Will Justin be continuing with us?” I smiled politely and was prepared to gently give her the bad news that we would not be moving forward. But, she abruptly cut me off by announcing, “We don’t believe Justin should come back. Maybe in 6 or 8 months, but not now. He’s not ready for this.”

Mentally, I said “Hey asshole! You can’t break up with us because we’re breaking up with you!! You can take your crappy tablets, your shitty Lego mechanical building blocks (too small for the human eye to see), and you can program them to crawl up your ass and die!”

Verbally, I said “I agree.”

And with that, I took my son’s hand…told him that he never had to come back again…and we both farted on our way out the door.

Either I’ve been shot or I’m lactating Tomato Sauce!

Last Friday was “Spaghetti Night” for the Priluck Boys! GWE was out with friends for the evening, so I decided to cook for the kids.

Justin loved his spaghetti and ate every bite (along with two extra helpings.) Garrett decided that he was not in the mood for “Spaghetti Night.” At first, he made his wishes known by yelling at me. When that failed, he tossed his “sippy cup” onto the floor. And finally, when all other forms of communication failed, he looked me square in the eye…grabbed a handful of sauce…and threw it at me. His aim was good.

Needless to say, I finally got the message. After some extensive clean-up (me, the floor, the highchair, the wall, the ceiling, the stove, my face, and the ‘fridge), I warmed up some chicken fingers for him instead and served it to him while wearing a catcher’s mask.

Thanks to Uncle Ethan for figuring out how to get this audio clip uploaded!

Is it still considered “Peer Pressure” when it’s the parent forcing the drugs on their own child???

In my house, our kids have taken “Just say ‘no’ to drugs” way too far. While I do appreciate that my 1 1/2 year old son has said, “ARBAGOH-WEE” (translation: “No”) to crack, LSD, heroin, ‘shrooms, and Kitty Tranquilizers. GWE and I have had the hardest time getting Garrett to take his antibiotics!!

Garrett is free and clear of his conjunctivitis now, but getting one medicine into his mouth and another medicine into his eyes almost broke us physically and emotionally. I couldn’t help but feel like I was “Antibiotic Water-Boarding” my own kid.

My first mistake was trying to give him the medicine by myself. The first time I did it, I stood in the parking lot of the pharmacy and attempted to jam medicine into Garrett while he was strapped into his car seat. He knew what was coming and he clamped his mouth and eyes shut. He then screamed bloody murder, punched me a number of times, and cried ALOT. (I can only imagine what other people thought as they walked past us.) We ended up with more medicine on us than inside of him.

GWE pulled into the parking lot 15 minutes later and found us both dazed and bewildered. I was slumped over in the driver’s seat exhausted, sweating, and depressed that Garrett hated me for what I tried to do to him. Garrett continued to kick my seat all the while screaming at me – “DA-DA, DA-DA, DA-DA.”

Luckily, from that point on, GWE and I joined forces in order to get him to take his medicine. I held his hands back (like he was about to receive electroshock therapy) and GWE shoved the syringe into the back of his mouth and squirted. Garrett became the master of hiding his tongue in the back of his mouth and then pushing the medicine forward through his teeth and out his mouth just as GWE removed he syringe. We ended up with medicine everywhere. Thanks to Garrett’s regurgitation technique, these are the following things that won’t get conjunctivitis now: his highchair, my hands, GWE’s hands, the floor, one of my shirts, GWE’s hair, and my rear tire and hubcap (I blame GWE for that one.)

Needless to say, GWE and I are still traumatized.

Does anyone know if it’s illegal to chloroform a child under two in order to get medicine into their body without a fight?

What a lovely view!

vs.

Here is what a vacation with my kids looks like: (same view)

When can I go back to work so I can relax???

“Lord of the Flies”

What turns bright, well-mannered, and socially extroverted Kindergarten and First Grade children into a swarm of BAT…SHIT…CRAZY maniacs? The answer is simple: “Recess!”

Early last week, Justin asked if I would come to his school for lunch. GWE explained that it was Teacher Appreciation Day and they were looking for parent volunteers to watch the children while the teachers had a private, special lunch. I didn’t have a conflict in my calendar, so I told Justin I would be there.

It was only supposed to be one hour – 12:30pm to 1:30pm. How hard could that be???

I arrived at the school just as the teachers were dropping the children off in the play area. Justin’s teacher waived goodbye…and then quickly disappeared. Three moms and one dad (me) were left to watch over the (what felt like 300-ish, but probably only 50) Kindergarten and First Grade students. I witnessed a formerly docile playground turn into “The Lord of the Flies” meets “Planet of the Apes.” (“Get your hands off of me you damned, dirty children!!!“) These kids were fueled by the sugar rush of the lunches they just ate and the pure adrenaline of recognizing their own freedom, in addition to knowing that there was not a single teacher in sight. If it’s been awhile since you’ve witnessed playground politics and the social hierarchies among children under 10 years old – it’s truly eye-opening!

I was exposed to many things over the course of an hour…

1) I discovered that my son has two girlfriends. They both know about each other and they are not jealous of one another. Sometimes they all play together and sometimes it’s one on one. I actually saw the girls negotiate with each other as to who got Justin and when. (To “Future Justin” – I don’t know how you managed to do this, but I hope you are able to keep this skill! It will be useful in college.)

2) “Name-calling” hurts, at any age. Several children asked me for my “real” name. (To them, I’m “Justin’s Daddy.”) Justin quickly answered on my behalf with, “His name is ‘Super Diaper Head!’” And, then the children began to chant, “You’re name is Super Diaper Head…You’re name is Super Diaper Head!” I stood strong as long as I could. Finally, I cracked…”My name is Jason.” It then became a challenge among the children – “Who would be the first to call a fellow student’s parent by their real name?” One little girl took the challenge. She walked right up to me and said, “Hi Jason!” as if we were old friends. Her friends were in awe.

3) Justin’s best male friend might be an athletic genius. He asked me if I would play “Hand Ball” with another group of children (including Justin.) I told him that I would be happy to, but I didn’t remember the rules. He would have to remind me. This child began to instruct me and his friends on the elaborate rules of a new game he had created that can only be described as “WallBallFallCrawlMaulBrawl, YA’LL!” I shit you not…this game was so interesting that I may have to steal the idea and create my own league for adults. It was THAT good!

4) In an open playground, where nothing is hidden, children will still find a place to hide…thereby scaring the shit out of the adult who is supposed to be supervising them. Justin and some of his friends decided to play “Hide and Seek.” I was unaware that the rules to this game have been updated since I last played. If you are the one hiding, you are now allowed to move locations as long as you are not seen. I did not know this. As I began to rule out certain hiding spots while looking for a little girl, I began to panic because there were not that many places left for her to hide. As it turns out, she “relocated” to a place I had already checked. To lose sight of your own child is scary. To lose sight of someone else’s child will send you into a panic mode like no other. I think she got bored waiting for me to find her because she finally jumped up from behind the trash can and screamed “I’M OVER HERE!!!!” Needless to say, she won!

There were a few hundred more things that I witnessed over the span of that one hour. Somehow, time seemed to slow down. What was supposed to be an hour, felt like a week. Many of the things I witnessed could be written off as “Child’s Play” and some of the things I witnessed will haunt me forever. Regardless, these children are our future and their teachers aren’t making nearly enough money!!!

Since I represent celebrities, a “star sighting” is a daily occurrence and not that unusual. And, since my wife does a lot with the Television Academy here in Los Angeles, she is not immune to the occasional sighting as well. Fortunately, we were together when we ran into Tom Bergeron at a Television Academy event (where two of my clients were presenting!)

We could not pass up this opportunity. When Tom was done with the Red Carpet, GWE pulled him aside…explained who we were (not lunatic stalkers)…explained that our son was an “AFV Uber-fan”…and politely asked if we could take a picture with him for Justin. He happily agreed. (GWE even went on to explain our son’s mis-pronunciation of Tom’s last name. He laughed and told us a few of the variations he had heard as well.)

The following morning, GWE and I walked into the living room and found Justin playing on a iPad while sitting on the sofa. We asked him to put the iPad away so that we could show him something. GWE pulled up the picture and showed it to Justin.

At first there was a mild recognition of what he was looking at. After a few seconds, it finally hit him and his eyes almost popped out of his skull. I could see the synapses in his brain exploding.

“YOU MET TOM FUR-GERON????????” asked Justin.

“Yes, we did!” exclaimed GWE. “And, we told him all about you and that you were a fan of his.”

“Cooooooooooooool.” he responded.

Justin looked at the picture one more time, smiled….and then went back to playing on the iPad as if nothing had happened.