Mancave Magnets: Barris Kustom

The first “guest” magnet has arrived! My parents have given us a Barris Kustum magnet which has been signed by George Barris – the creator of the original Batmobile, The Beverly Hillbillies car, Black Beauty from “The Green Hornet,” and the Munster Koach from “The Munsters.” Very cool addition to the Mancave!

*If you are interested in adding a magnet to the Mancave, please email us at jason@genxdaddy.com!

My Name Is Aunt Jemima. You Killed My Father. Prepare to Die.

Earlier this week, Justin and I decided to go out for breakfast. I asked him where he wanted to go and he chose IHop. While we were in the car, the following conversation took place:

Me: “I am going to get the biggest pancake they have.”

Justin: “Ooh….me too! I want one bigger than my head!”

Me: “I want one bigger than my whole body!”

And then, Justin’s imagination kicked in….

Justin: “Daddy, I want you to get a big pancake and when the lady puts it in front of you, I want you to grab your fork and then the pancake will grab the knife and you will fight each other to see who gets to eat who. And you will lose. And then the pancake will cut you into little pieces and then grab the syrup and pour it all over you and then eat you.”

Me: “Well, that sucks.”

Justin: “And daddy…when the pancake is done eating you, it will poop you out like scrambled eggs.”

Me: “I think I’ll just have some toast now. Thanks.”

Justin: “It’s ok daddy, because I am going to kill and eat your pancake’s baby pancake.”

Me: “You will avenge me?”

Justin: “I will say, ‘This is for eating my daddy,’ and then I will pour syrup on him and eat him.”

Me: “Thanks buddy.”

The Mexican (Porcelain) Stand-Off

On Saturday morning I heard Justin yell from the bathroom – “Daddy, I’m all done. Come and wipe my butt.”

I love my son, but I am tired of wiping his ass. He is able to wipe his own butt at school, with his grandparents, and even in public restrooms. However, when we’re at home, his laziness knows no bounds. In an effort to “cut him off cold turkey,” I have openly refused to wipe his butt…but, there are times when I’ve caved. Sometimes, I’d rather just get it over with than to fight it out. I have been weak.

But, on Saturday morning, I decided to stand my ground. “Justin, you are a big boy! You can wipe your own butt.”

“No, Daddy! Come and wipe my butt!” he yelled from down the hall.

“Justin, you can do it. I know you can. Just wipe your own butt.” I demanded/begged.

“Right now, daddy!!” he yelled even louder.

“Justin! I am not going to wipe your butt. You do it.” I said.

“Fine,” he said defiantly. “I’ll wait for mommy to do it.”

(Okay…this was going to be interesting….)

One minute passed…and then another…and then another….

“Daddy?” he said sweetly.

“Yeeesssssss…..” I replied with a smile on my face.

“When is mommy coming home?” he asked.

“Monday night.” I answered. There was silence.

“How many ‘naps’ is that?” he cautiously asked.

“Mommy will be back in two and a half days. Do you want me to bring your meals into the bathroom since you’ll be there for a while?”

With a groan I heard, “Ugh…fine. I’ll wipe it all by myself.”

Daddy: 1 Justin’s Butt: 0

Man-mageddon 2012 (Recapped)

For five days, the Priluck men fended for themselves. Damage was done, chaos ensued, and then…there was poop. Regardless, we all had fun and everyone is still alive. Here are our status updates from the past few days:

(9/13/12) Man-mageddon, Day 1: So far, all is well. GWE is on her plane, Garrett is at daycare, Justin is in Kindergarten, and I am trying to jam 24 hours worth of work into about 10 hours. I suspect the chaos will kick in this evening!

(9/13/12) Man-mageddon, Day 1 1/2: Well, I accidentally locked the kids out of the house for a short time, failed to properly follow the “melting caramel” instructions for Justin’s homework, and there is a weird smell coming from somewhere in the house. Other than that, very little else for me to screw up this evening.

(9/14/12) Man-mageddon Day 2: woke up after only four hours of sleep. Got Justin up, dressed, and fed. Woke up Garrett, realized he had a baby-cold, “chipped” the dried boogers off of his face, and dosed him with baby Tylenol. Threw everyone (including the caramel apples) into the car. Got to school, dropped off child #1 and his treats. Ran to CVS for more baby drugs. Fed #2 more food while standing in the parking lot. Got him to school. Raced home to shower…all before 9am!

(915/12) Man-mageddon, Day 3: Just cleaned up the Niagara Falls of poop which flowed out of Garrett’s diaper and onto the carpet. Why even bother wearing pants?!?! New house rule, no one in this house wears pants until Monday and I’ll just schedule the carpet cleaner for Tuesday. Let the “Dirty Trail Blazing” begin! (Re: Man-mageddon updates. Should Garrett chose a life of politics, one day these Facebook updates will re-appear under the headline: “Candidate Prefers to Shit on Floor.”)

(9/16/12) Man-mageddon, Day 4: The boys must have had a good day yesterday because they both woke up an hour late! (Too bad I was up at 4am.) We’ve got crazy plans today! Farmers market, hair cuts, brunch, playground….INSANE!!! Keep your women away because someone’s getting pregnant by one of the Pantless Prilucks (see yesterday’s update) before the day is over!!

(9/17/12) Man-mageddon, Day 5: The crazy train is coming to an end today because mommy is coming home. Like any conductor, I have to decide if I will bring the train in slowly or crash us into the station, thereby destroying everything and everyone around us. Ah, I will let the 11 month old decide our fate! Hahahahaha!!!!!

(9/17/12) Man-mageddon, Day 5.5: Our Man-pocolypse will be ending shortly. Garrett, Justin, and I owe some apologies for our behavior this weekend. Sorry to every waitress who served us over the past few days – Garrett was a little “grabby” and the floor looked too clean. Sorry to everyone at the Farmer’s Market – Justin’s butt could not handle all that fiber. (Worst fart ever!) Sorry to Pooh Bear – Garrett may have inappropriately “humped and dumped” you, but he still respects you. And finally, sorry to anyone who had to be near me over the past five days. The children are twice as clean as I am. You do the math.

 

There’s Never an Oompa-Loompa Around When You Really Need One

Earlier this week, Justin came home with a note from his teacher asking for each of the children in the class to bring in an “Apple” item at the end of the week. It could be anything from apple slices to apple juice to dried apples. (I suggested Apple Beer! What’s funnier than a room full of drunken kindergarteners!?!?) These choices were too simple for my son! Instead, he informed us that he wanted “an apple cake with white frosting, sprinkles and a worm coming out of it.”

I thought “Why not?” He had something specific in mind and there was no real reason why we could not oblige. However, (after further thought) I realized that this was about to become MY homework assignment due to lack of time, Justin’s waning interest, and GWE’s travel schedule. After some intense negotiations with Justin, we settled on something a little easier…or so I thought.

Justin liked the idea of Caramel Apples with Gummy Worms. The plan was to use the apples from MOGWE’s garden, dip them into caramel, and then stick multi-colored gummy worms all over them. Easy, right? Nope.

Did you know that caramel dip doesn’t work when making caramel apples? It’s not thick enough. So, after a second trip to the grocery store, I picked up caramel candies. According to the instructions, you are supposed to put 28 candies and a ¼ cup of water into a crock pot for an hour to an hour and a half (for 8 apples), wait until thick & syrupy, and then dip! I tripled the recipe to make sure I had enough, but I forgot to take into consideration that I would need to triple the time it would take to cook. I turned the crock pot on at 7:30pm. By 10:30pm, I still had a pot of brown, sweet soup. Uh-oh!

11:00pm – brown soup…

11:30pm – brown soup….

12:00am – brown soup…

12:30am – brown soup…

1:15am – A MIRACLE OCCURRED! After nearly six hours of heating and cooling the caramel, it was finally thick enough for the apples to be dipped in.

Then, problem number 2 arose…the gummy worms were too heavy for the caramel to hold them in place. Solution: I jammed each one onto the stick so it looked like they were coming out of the bottom of the apples. (I get my best ideas at 1am!)

At 1:30am, the caramel…the apples…the gummy worms…and I – went to bed!

I would like to thank Justin’s kindergarten class for giving me a new “transferable skill.” I can now make caramel apples! All I need is the ability to guess your age/weight or make funnel cakes and my transformation into a “Carny” will be complete.

Interesting fact #1: Fresh apples float because 25 percent of their volume is air.

Interesting fact #2: Johnny Appleseed’s real name was John Chapman. And, the only surviving tree planted by Johnny Appleseed is on the farm of Richard and Phyllis Algeo of Nova, Ohio. It is named “Rambo.”

Interesting fact #3: I will never make Caramel Apples ever again!!!!