Category Archives: Asserting Independence

“Don’t worry. Nothing is Under Control.”

Posted on by
Reply

These are the last words I heard from Justin as he walked down the hallway holding my “Doctor Who” Sonic Screwdriver in one hand and his plastic “Handy Manny” hammer in the other. Curiosity got the better of me and I followed him into the den to see what he was up to. I stopped just before rounding the corner and observed Justin from the darkness of the hallway.

There, on the coffee table, Justin had laid out his electronic piano and a few tools. He also had a cup of water, a battery (which he had not gotten from me), and Garrett’s box of Wet Wipes. I watched him flip over the keyboard and locate the holes where the screws went in. Justin then attached the correct Phillips-head tip to the screwdriver and began to unscrew the bolts that connected the top of the piano to the bottom. I thought about intervening at this point, but he was actually making progress and I wanted to see where he was going with this.

He struggled a little with the screws and eventually gave up. But, that did not deter him from going through with his plans. Justin then used the Wet Wipe to “clean” the area. And finally, he grabbed a tool from the floor which I had not previously noticed. It was the kitchen can-opener! He dunked it in the cup of water (possibly to sterilize it??) and then attempted to open his piano like a can of beans.

“Whoa…whoa…whoa,” I said. “What are you doing??”

“I’m fixing my piano,” he replied.

“What’s wrong with your piano?” I asked.

“The battery died and I’m putting in a new one,” he said proudly.

“Would you like some help?” I asked.

“NO!” he responded.

I shrugged my shoulders and walked into the kitchen for a drink. I was immediately summoned back to the sofa. Justin sat me down next to him and said, “I am going to fix the piano. Close your eyes and hold out your hands.” I had no idea what he was planning, but I followed his instructions. He then put his hands on top of my hands and said, “Ok, now I am opening the back of the piano…” As he said this, he moved my hands around the back of the piano like it was a Ouija board. “Now, I am changing the batteries….” he said, as he continued to push my hands around. It slowly dawned on me that he wanted ME to change the batteries for him.

With my eyes shut and Justin’s hands on my hands, I lifted the lid, pulled out the AA batteries (actually just moved them around a little because I knew they were fine), and then closed the lid. Finally, Justin told me to open my eyes. He yelled, “TA DA!!!!! I fixed it all by MYSELF, daddy! Are you proud of me????”

I laughed and responded, “Yes, buddy. I’m very proud of you.” I then simply asked, “You really did that all by yourself?” He looked right into my eyes, held his hands up to my face like they were his master tools, and stated, “ALL….BY…..MY….SELF.”

Law & Order: SDU (Stupid Daddy Unit)

Posted on by
Reply

“Punishment” has become a recent topic in our house. When I was growing up, there were three “go to” punishments that my parents doled out: 1) Taking away toys, 2) Taking away television privileges, and 3) “Go to your room.” I currently have an immaculate collection of original G.I. Joes, Transformers, He-Man action figures, and Hot Wheels because I was rarely allowed to play with them. They are currently in my garage in air-tight, hermetically-sealed containers. If I hold onto them for another fifteen years, they will be valuable enough to pay for my kids’ college tuition!

And, I’m a child of the 80’s – we didn’t have DVRs. If you were not allowed to watch television and you missed something that aired, you were screwed. It was never going to air again! Missed that very special episode of “Family Ties?” Too bad. Miss the episode of “Miami Vice” where Calderone finally gets caught? Your loss.

And finally, “being sent to your room” really was a punishment. We didn’t have televisions or stereos in our rooms. All we had were four walls, a bed, and a couple of books.

I have a theory that it was easier for my parents to punish me as a child than it is for me to punish my son…and here’s why: My parents were not interested in the things I was interested in, so to take them away didn’t really affect them. On the other hand, I really like the things that Justin likes!! I like Television and Spongebob and Transformers and Legos (except at night) and Annoying Orange and Angry Birds, and Batman, and….you get the idea.

So, when Justin puts us in a position to take away his television privileges, it’s actually ME who suffers!! I like TV! I worked hard all day and I want to watch something stupid! Hell – part of my job is to watch television!! One night, we told Justin that as part of his punishment he was not allowed to watch television. He cried, threw a tantrum, and stormed off to his room. Five minutes later, I walked into his room only to discover him watching movies on my iPad. I was pissed! “Justin!! What do you think you’re doing??” I said. “Mommy and I said ‘no TV’.” He yelled back at me “IT’S NOT TV, DADDY!!! IT’S AN IPAD!!”

When Justin becomes defiant or breaks the rules, we must take away a toy. But it is still ME who suffers because that’s one less toy Justin and I can play with. And “go to your room” is not a punishment when your room has more toys than “Toys R Us!!” I can’t remember the last time I saw the floor in Justin’s room. It is covered in stuffed animals, Lego pieces (like it’s a minefield), Squinkies, and other random toy pieces.

So here is my message to Justin – Stop getting into trouble!! You are only five and I have already run out of punishments for you that don’t directly affect me!!

 

 

Oedipus Priluck-a-Kiss

Posted on by
Reply

Please take a moment a look at the picture to the left. If you look closely, you can see Justin kissing my wife while at the same time glaring at me with a “this one’s mine, get your own” look!

Justin understands the basics – we are “mommy” and “daddy”, we are “married,” and we are affectionate towards one another. Over the past couple of weeks, whenever I’ve reached over to kiss GWE, my affection is met with an “EEEEWWWWWW!!! THAT’S GROSS!!” from my five year old son. And, there have been a few times when GWE and I have laughed this off and purposely kissed in front of him to rub it in his face. (I remember once kissing GWE in the driveway while Justin was buckled into my car. Even with all four windows and doors shut we heard a muted “EEEEEWWWWWW.”)

Justin doesn’t realize the depth of affection it took to make him! From what I remember, there was more than just kissing involved! All he knows is that daddy is kissing some lady that happens to be his mommy!

So, for the past few weeks, Justin has decided to stake his claim on “mommy.” When he kisses her goodnight, he goes out of his way to make sure I see it. He puts his hands on her face, tilts his head, makes sure to make eye-contact with me, and then he goes in for the kill!!

If I wake up one morning to find him standing over me with a dagger, we’ll all know that this was foretold. I can only hope that Little Garrett will avenge me!!