I…AM NOT…A CHEW TOY!!

NOM NOM NOM NOM

Garrett is an affectionate toddler. He loves to hug and play and be held. However, he has yet to master the art of “kissing.” His attempts at kissing (as a sign of affection) typically end in bite marks. He is like a Zombie Baby from “The Walking Dead.”

Here is his move: If you are holding him, he will first put his head on your shoulder. He’ll actually do that a couple of times without incident. Then, when you are least expecting it, he will put his head on your shoulder one last time…and then sink his teeth in as hard as he can!! His other “plan of attack” is to play with your fingers and he’ll wait for you to look away. The moment you look away, he’ll yank your hand into his mouth and chomp down.

I took him and his brother out to dinner the other night. After feeding Garrett a FULL dinner which included fruit, chicken, veggies, pasta, “crunchies,” milk, more fruit, and most of what was on my plate, Garrett should have been full (and if not “full,” at least he should have been tired of chewing!) Sure enough, we were playing “Finger Attack” for a few moments while Justin finished his meal. As I turned my head to talk to Justin, Garrett took advantage and LITERALLY bit the hand that just fed him!!!

As a word of warning, if you see Garrett and he is happy to see you AND his mouth is open – RUN!!

How many bite marks can you find?

Hey Baby! You’re ugly, but you intrigue me. Let’s go back to my crib!

It’s 4:30am. Do you know where your children are?

When I was in college, my buddies and I had a system for determining which women (we met in bars) were attractive and which ones were not. It was a very scientific, well-thought out method. Einstein would have been proud. The formula was as such: “Time of Night” times “Amount of Alcohol Consumed” divided by “Need for Companionship” equals “X”. (X) = Cuteness Factor. For example, a ”9:00pm -Oh, hell no!” could (with time, alcohol, and “need”) become a “12:00am – She’s cute.” I remember a few nights when friends took home girls who started as a “10:00pm – I think that’s a dude” but became a “1:30am – Her lazy eye and limp are sexy.” Luckily, when I was in a bar, I played by The Kenny Rogers’ Rule: You gonna know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em. I always felt that it was better to walk away early than to try and chew off my own arm the next morning to escape.

Now that I’m older, wiser, and a parent – I’ve been wondering if the “Cuteness Factor” can be applied to my own children.

Several nights ago, Garrett began to cry at 4:15am. Usually, I would chalk this up to a nightmare or maybe he got his foot stuck between the bars of the crib. I assumed that he would be fine given a few moments. But he wasn’t. He continued to cry…and cry…and cry…and cry. At 4:30, I went in to get him. I changed his diaper, checked to make sure that he was in one piece, and then I returned him to the crib. Once again, he began to cry…and cry…and cry. At that moment, the reality hit me that I had to stay up with him.

Together, we got a drink of milk, played with his toys, rough-housed, had a little more milk, watched television, sang songs, read a book, rough housed some more, and then I made him an early breakfast. As we sat on the sofa, I looked over at him to see if his “cuteness factor” warranted my lack of sleep. I looked at his giant head, his pudgy legs, his mop of curly hair, and the drool and snot that was rolling off of his face. He turned to look at me while I was staring at him. He smiled….and then, he burped and farted at the same time, looked very surprised, and then laughed out loud.

“Oh, I didn’t see you there!”

Yup – he’s “4:30am – Cute Enough for Me!”

Looking for Mr. Goodbar (and Mr. Snickers and Ms. Skittles, etc.)

I have determined that the sole reason to have children is so they can be our “Candy Minions” for Halloween. Time after time, we tell our children not to talk to strangers…and CERTAINLY not to take candy from them. But, for one night a year, not only do we send our children out to “Chase the Sugar Dragon” – but we MAKE them talk to strangers in order to get candy from them.

This year was the first year that Justin was able to do my bidding – well! I dressed him up, took him by the hand, and made him walk the cold, lonely neighborhood streets of Northridge, California. House after house, I made him knock on stranger’s doors asking for candy. We took note of who gave us handfuls of candy and who gave out just a few pieces. (God help those who ignored us this year! I’m a dad who buys my toilet paper at Costco. It’s 54 rolls of cheap, shitty paper that will hang in your trees for weeks! You have been warned!)

When Justin returned home with his bounty, I told him how proud I was of him. He managed to stay away from the Nekko Wafers, Butterscotch suckers, and anything with Coconut! He scored with “Squared” (not “Fun Sized”) Snickers and Milky Ways. He brought in bunches of Skittles, M&Ms (regular and peanut), Twix, Kit Kats, and more! I’m even fine with the package or two of Smarties that fell out of his bag.

My boy did good this year. Next year, we’re going to profile some other neighborhoods for bigger and better “Sugar Daddies (and Mommies).”

The Big “Uno”

Today is Garrett Logan Priluck’s first birthday. Or, as I like to refer to it, the first anniversary of the second time I got a peek at my wife’s internal organs.

I have spent a whole year with this “stranger” in the house and I’ve learned a lot about him. These are just a few of the things that I now know about my son:

1)      He has a dance move called, “The Garrett” – he puts his arms straight out and ‘flaps’ them as fast as possible back and forth towards his body when he gets excited.

2)      He is a non-stop drool machine. Garrett is like a snail. Just follow the trail of slime and you will find him at the end of it.

3)      He will get your attention by slamming his legs down repeatedly.

4)      He is always happy, even when he is sick. I’ve never seen a happier child (with the exception of Justin.)

5)      When he crawls into my room and settles near my nightstand, he always pulls out the same book – “Tales from The Far Side.” (I guess he likes talking cows.)

6)      His guilty pleasure is to sneak into his big brother’s room while no one is watching. He likes to prop himself up on the stool or play with the fake sword cover.

7)      He will eat anything. Baby food, pizza, pasta, hummus, chili, etc. It’s just a waiting game to see what he can digest and what he can’t. We affectionately call this, “When did Garrett eat corn!?!?!?”

8)      He likes to do “Super Baby” (me lifting him in the air while laying on my back on the master bed.) After he ‘lands’, he immediately rolls over and tries to climb back on top of my chest for another ride. However, he usually gets tired and ends up sitting on my face.

9)     Garrett’s attempts at kissing include him using his teeth (and biting.)

10)   Garrett prefers to be naked. (Who doesn’t?)

11)   He desperately wants Justin’s green television remote control. In fact, he wants it so badly that he is willing to put himself in harm’s way to get it. (Justin has shown great restraint. He has not whupped his little brother’s ass over this issue….yet.)

12)   He has a fascination with my bathroom. He just likes being in there. I have no idea why.

It has been a fantastic year of getting to know Garrett. He is sweet, loud, gentle, funny, strong, cute, and produces the foulest poops you could ever imagine. Happy Birthday, Monkey!!

There’s Never an Oompa-Loompa Around When You Really Need One

Earlier this week, Justin came home with a note from his teacher asking for each of the children in the class to bring in an “Apple” item at the end of the week. It could be anything from apple slices to apple juice to dried apples. (I suggested Apple Beer! What’s funnier than a room full of drunken kindergarteners!?!?) These choices were too simple for my son! Instead, he informed us that he wanted “an apple cake with white frosting, sprinkles and a worm coming out of it.”

I thought “Why not?” He had something specific in mind and there was no real reason why we could not oblige. However, (after further thought) I realized that this was about to become MY homework assignment due to lack of time, Justin’s waning interest, and GWE’s travel schedule. After some intense negotiations with Justin, we settled on something a little easier…or so I thought.

Justin liked the idea of Caramel Apples with Gummy Worms. The plan was to use the apples from MOGWE’s garden, dip them into caramel, and then stick multi-colored gummy worms all over them. Easy, right? Nope.

Did you know that caramel dip doesn’t work when making caramel apples? It’s not thick enough. So, after a second trip to the grocery store, I picked up caramel candies. According to the instructions, you are supposed to put 28 candies and a ¼ cup of water into a crock pot for an hour to an hour and a half (for 8 apples), wait until thick & syrupy, and then dip! I tripled the recipe to make sure I had enough, but I forgot to take into consideration that I would need to triple the time it would take to cook. I turned the crock pot on at 7:30pm. By 10:30pm, I still had a pot of brown, sweet soup. Uh-oh!

11:00pm – brown soup…

11:30pm – brown soup….

12:00am – brown soup…

12:30am – brown soup…

1:15am – A MIRACLE OCCURRED! After nearly six hours of heating and cooling the caramel, it was finally thick enough for the apples to be dipped in.

Then, problem number 2 arose…the gummy worms were too heavy for the caramel to hold them in place. Solution: I jammed each one onto the stick so it looked like they were coming out of the bottom of the apples. (I get my best ideas at 1am!)

At 1:30am, the caramel…the apples…the gummy worms…and I – went to bed!

I would like to thank Justin’s kindergarten class for giving me a new “transferable skill.” I can now make caramel apples! All I need is the ability to guess your age/weight or make funnel cakes and my transformation into a “Carny” will be complete.

Interesting fact #1: Fresh apples float because 25 percent of their volume is air.

Interesting fact #2: Johnny Appleseed’s real name was John Chapman. And, the only surviving tree planted by Johnny Appleseed is on the farm of Richard and Phyllis Algeo of Nova, Ohio. It is named “Rambo.”

Interesting fact #3: I will never make Caramel Apples ever again!!!!

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Explanations

This is a picture I took of Garrett at 6:15am on Saturday morning. By this time, I had already fed him, bathed him, changed him, and diapered him. This picture was taken seconds after he decided to poop into his diaper and a few moments before he chose to “investigate” my briefcase and then spit-up several ounces of his breakfast into the middle divider and onto a feature contract I had been working on revising.

The excuse used to be – “my dog ate my homework.” Now, it’s – “my baby threw up on your contract.”