Girls

Who wouldn’t want to be friends with this guy?!?!?!?!

Garrett came home from camp in a foul mood. I heard him stomp through the front door, turn the corner, march into his room, and slam the door shut. I decided to give him a few minutes to calm down before approaching him. After about 30 minutes, I found him sitting on the sofa and gently asked, “Hey buddy. How was camp today?”

“Terrible,” he replied.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I inquired

He let out a long, audible breath and looked at me. “Fine. I had a terrible day because I asked ‘Sarah’ (not her real name) if she would be my best friend at camp and she said yes.” Confused, I replied, “Isn’t that a good thing?”

He continued, “…but then, her friend whispered in her ear and then she told me that she didn’t want to be my friend anymore.”

“Oh. I see. I’m sorry to hear that.” For a moment, we both sat in silence. He had vented and I was trying to determine what to do with the information. I could have gone with the theory of “Boys Rule, Girls Drool,” but that only goes so far. Ultimately, I chose honesty.

“Well, Garrett. Sometimes boys and girls (and grown men and women) like each other, but their friends get in the way.  If you like someone and want to be friends, you should tell them and don’t worry what their friends say. I’m sure it made Sarah feel good to know that you wanted to be her friend.” I suggested he try playing with her again the next day. If she wasn’t interested, that’s OK too.

He seemed satisfied with the answer and refocused on the video game he was playing. Garrett is clearly going to be OK. It’s Sarah’s loss…and Sarah’s friend will eventually be shunned by her friends because of her terrible judgement and gossipy ways. She will then grow old alone, spending her nights eating single-serving frozen dinners, and living with her 40 cats who will ultimately eat her face off when she runs out of cat food. (Is that too harsh? Not when you reject my son, it’s not.)

 

Sadie-3

We have a new addition to the GenXDaddy family! On January 31, 2015 at 5:30PM., my sister gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. (My brother-in-law helped!)

 

In this corner, weighing in at 7 lbs, 14 oz with a length of 20.5 inches long and with a very full diaper – Sadie Bella Bergman!!

 

Hey Sadie – when you’re ready for your first scotch, cigar, and tattoo…come to Uncle Jason’s house! Cousin Justin, Cousin Garrett, Auntie GWE, and I are ready to corrupt you!

"Put me BBBAAAACCCKKKKKK!!!!"
“Put me BBBAAAACCCKKKKKK!!!!”

LeopardLast night, GWE was sporting a new pair of leopard print pajama pants. She asked me if I liked them and I responded that I did. She replied, “Good…because your son picked them out.”

 

GWE went on to explain that while she was deciding between leopard-print pajama pants and polka doted ones, she asked Justin which he preferred.

 

In a manner that can only be described as “America’s Next Top Model” judge meets 8-year-old with no verbal filter, Justin told her that the leopard print was more appropriate for her because she was “more of a ‘Roooaaaarrrr!’”

 

My son thinks his mom is “Fierce!”

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Batman

Garrett has discovered Batman. He’s got the mask and the cape and he’s ready for action. I bust out laughing every time he puts on his costume and announces, “I’m Batman!!” One small problem: I’m not laughing for the reason he thinks I’m laughing. I’m in hysterics for completely inappropriate reasons.

Allow me to explain….

From this point on, my story is enormously inappropriate. It is not meant for mixed company or minors. Read at your own risk!

Fourteen years ago, GWE and I were on vacation in Europe with FoGWE and MoGWE. We were not married, we had no children, and our biggest conundrum was, “Do we sleep until 10:00am or 11:00am?” It was a magical time when we had few inhibitions and the word “sleep” was actually in our vocabulary. (Since the arrival of our children, I’ve been awake….since 2006.)

While on vacation, we spent a few days in Amsterdam. Like any true tourists, we wanted to experience the city. We had a picnic by the canals, toured the Anne Frank House, visited the Van Gogh Museum, and ended our evening at a sex show. Yep – a sex show!

At this point, you’re wondering “What does a child dressed as Batman have to do with this story?” Patience….

Feeling adventurous, GWE and I found a local “theater.” We paid our entrance fee and were escorted into a church lined with pews all the way to the stage. The stage itself had two levels. Both tiers were covered in red shag carpet and hanging over the center of the stage was a gigantic slanted mirror.

Just as we got seated, the lights dimmed and Prince’s “Bat Dance” from the 1989 “Batman” movie began to blast from the speakers. Amused and confused, GWE and I watched a young, blonde woman (who also looked amused and confused) “dance” onto the stage with a “Vicki Vale” dance. She was thin and boney, with a little extra skin. She looked like a hairless cat. She quickly disrobed and laid down on top of the tiered stage. Then, Batman appeared!

Batman was a 6’ 3” black man who wore a cape, a mask, and nothing else. With his “Bat-Boner” threatening to injure anyone in the first three rows of pews, he began to do a “Batman Dance” which included a move that can only be described as “Me, Tarzan. You, Jane.” This move was so funny, unexpected, and awkward that we still joke about it today and often imitate it when the mood strikes.

GWE and I turned to each other and began to chuckle as Batman continued to dance seductively while removing only his cape. The evening became more and more ridiculous as we continued to watch Batman “woo” his partner.

Finally, as the music was coming to an end, he climbed to the top of the stage (with Vicki laying at his feet) and he posed. At that point, someone flipped a switch and the top tier of the stage began to rotate like a Merry-Go-Round with Batman and Vicki Vale on top. They looked like a weird wedding cake decoration. GWE and I could barely contain our laughter.

And then, he impaled her. The evening went from “Ha, Ha, Ha” to “Holy Shit” very quickly. And, the mirror on the ceiling left nothing to the imagination. (A lot more happened, but none of it is relevant to this story.)

Never again would we be able to see Batman as an innocent comic book superhero. To us, he was now a strange masked black man who jiggled his “junk” to the sounds of Jack Nicholson screaming “This town needs an enema!!” in an attempt to seduce a half-asleep naked woman while trying not to bang his nuts (aka “The Dynamic Duo”) on the stage or fall off its “tilt-a-whirl!!”

And, that is why I bust out laughing every time Garrett jumps out wearing his cape and yelling, “I’m Batman!!”

PoolWhile lounging poolside on vacation recently, Garrett found himself mesmerized by the baby pool surrounded by three waterfalls and two giant “geyser-like” structures that spit out water. As I stood by that pool, I watched him play in the pool, then play with the waterfall, then come back to the pool, then run over (and through) the geyser. This went on and on and on and on…..

 

However, Garrett’s attention was diverted the moment two girls walked over to play in the waterfalls. The girls were probably 10 or 11 and deep in conversation with one another. That did not stop Garrett from making an introduction. I watched as Garrett climbed out of the pool, walked over to the girls, and said, “Heyyyyyoooooooo, Ladies. I’m Garrett.”

 

The two girls turned their attention to Garrett for a moment, said “hello,” and then went back to their conversation.

 

Fearlessly, Garrett interrupted again. “I Garrett and I have something for you.”

 

“Oh?” replied the girls.

 

With a sense of confidence I do not possess, my son boldly decided to use his first pick up line. Garrett answered, “Yes, I have something that goes up and down.” (I assumed the worst.) He then paused for dramatic effect,”…..a garage!! My garage goes up and down!!” The two girls giggled and then walked away. For a moment, I watched him watch them walk away. I think he wanted to follow them, but he choose to stay with me.

 

It really was a good pick-up line. But, I think Garrett learned the most important lesson about trying to pick up women: “Daddy is a terrible wing-man.”

It's not a "Pants Party!" It's just a little "Diaper Depravity!"
It's not a "Pants Party!" It's just a little "Diaper Depravity!"
It’s not a “Pants Party!” It’s just a little “Diaper Depravity!”

Garrett does not believe in stuffed animal monogamy. He prefers to have two, three, and sometimes four stuffed animal partners in his crib with him at any given nap. I’ve walked in to find him asleep with Mickey sitting on his face and a stuffed penguin between his legs…while Pooh watches. Between the multiple partners and the constant napping, Greatest Wife Ever and I agree that it’s like living with a baby Hugh Hefner.

This past Sunday, GWE sent the me following text messages while I was out running errands:  

GWE: Garrett is currently having a crib party with “Hug Me, Elmo.”

Me: It’s not a party until they ask Chica (the Chicken) to join them!

GWE: Chica and Lotso (from “Toy Story 3”) are in there too! The squeals are hilarious.

ME: Afterwards, it’s going to be the “Diaper Change of Shame.”

GWE: Someone just banged their head against the wall, or Elmo possibly got thrown out. Not sure.

Me: Elmo likes it rough!

GWE: I can still hear Elmo talking, Garrett is grunting.

(Pause)

GWE: Elmo just said “that’s too tight!.” OMG!!

Me: Hahahaha

GWE: When do I go in there and get Elmo? Garrett will never go to sleep.

(Pause)

GWE: Now Garrett is singing-talking and making “H” and “Heese” sounds. All kinds of sounds….

GWE: “Ooh Ooh!! Ooh Hhh!”

GWE: Lots of squealing again.

GWE: Now singing deed um be dee bedum de dee be de bade bade ba da bee…

GWE: Okay, Elmo has left the room, unhappy Garrett.

And that is how GWE broke up Garrett’s “Crib Courtship and Consummation.” I’d be unhappy too if my mother barged into my room and kicked out someone I was playing “Tickle Me” with!