Category Archives: Girls

Man-mageddon 2012 (Recapped)

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For five days, the Priluck men fended for themselves. Damage was done, chaos ensued, and then…there was poop. Regardless, we all had fun and everyone is still alive. Here are our status updates from the past few days:

(9/13/12) Man-mageddon, Day 1: So far, all is well. GWE is on her plane, Garrett is at daycare, Justin is in Kindergarten, and I am trying to jam 24 hours worth of work into about 10 hours. I suspect the chaos will kick in this evening!

(9/13/12) Man-mageddon, Day 1 1/2: Well, I accidentally locked the kids out of the house for a short time, failed to properly follow the “melting caramel” instructions for Justin’s homework, and there is a weird smell coming from somewhere in the house. Other than that, very little else for me to screw up this evening.

(9/14/12) Man-mageddon Day 2: woke up after only four hours of sleep. Got Justin up, dressed, and fed. Woke up Garrett, realized he had a baby-cold, “chipped” the dried boogers off of his face, and dosed him with baby Tylenol. Threw everyone (including the caramel apples) into the car. Got to school, dropped off child #1 and his treats. Ran to CVS for more baby drugs. Fed #2 more food while standing in the parking lot. Got him to school. Raced home to shower…all before 9am!

(915/12) Man-mageddon, Day 3: Just cleaned up the Niagara Falls of poop which flowed out of Garrett’s diaper and onto the carpet. Why even bother wearing pants?!?! New house rule, no one in this house wears pants until Monday and I’ll just schedule the carpet cleaner for Tuesday. Let the “Dirty Trail Blazing” begin! (Re: Man-mageddon updates. Should Garrett chose a life of politics, one day these Facebook updates will re-appear under the headline: “Candidate Prefers to Shit on Floor.”)

(9/16/12) Man-mageddon, Day 4: The boys must have had a good day yesterday because they both woke up an hour late! (Too bad I was up at 4am.) We’ve got crazy plans today! Farmers market, hair cuts, brunch, playground….INSANE!!! Keep your women away because someone’s getting pregnant by one of the Pantless Prilucks (see yesterday’s update) before the day is over!!

(9/17/12) Man-mageddon, Day 5: The crazy train is coming to an end today because mommy is coming home. Like any conductor, I have to decide if I will bring the train in slowly or crash us into the station, thereby destroying everything and everyone around us. Ah, I will let the 11 month old decide our fate! Hahahahaha!!!!!

(9/17/12) Man-mageddon, Day 5.5: Our Man-pocolypse will be ending shortly. Garrett, Justin, and I owe some apologies for our behavior this weekend. Sorry to every waitress who served us over the past few days – Garrett was a little “grabby” and the floor looked too clean. Sorry to everyone at the Farmer’s Market – Justin’s butt could not handle all that fiber. (Worst fart ever!) Sorry to Pooh Bear – Garrett may have inappropriately “humped and dumped” you, but he still respects you. And finally, sorry to anyone who had to be near me over the past five days. The children are twice as clean as I am. You do the math.

 

24 Hours Until Man-mageddon!!

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In twenty-four hours, GWE will be on a flight and it will just be me and the boys until Monday afternoon. I assume that we will find ways to get ourselves into trouble and I’ll do my best to document everything that happens. I don’t want to wake up on Monday morning (like in “The Hangover”) with no memory of what happened and having the only clues be the pictures on my phone.The last thing I need are photos of Garrett getting a tattoo of Mr. Rogers giving “the finger,” pictures of a butt-exposing Justin getting thrown out of a strip club, or a “new” mugshot of me and my cellmate “Betty.”

The Similac is chilling…we’ve got some “play dates” planned…and bail (pulled from the 529 College Fund) has been set aside.

Let the weekend begin!!!!!

He’s a Complicated Man (and no one Understands him but his Woman.)

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Now all I can hear is the theme song to “Shaft” whenever Justin walks into a room. I always knew that he was a bad mother (SHUT YOUR MOUTH!), but this past Friday solidified it for me! Allow me to explain:

I had asked Justin earlier in the week what his friends’ names were because I knew all of his friends at his last school, but he had not shared his new friends’ names with us yet. His response was, “Daddy, I have two girlfriends!”

“Really?” I asked.

“Seriously, daddy. I have three girlfriends.” He said it matter-of-factly. He was not boasting or trying to impress. It was just how it was.

“What are their names? I asked.

“I dunno.” And with that, he went to sleep.

On Friday afternoon, GWE was cleaning out Justin’s backpack when she came across a note from another parent. It seems as though a little girl in Justin’s kindergarten class enjoyed playing with him at school and she had requested that her mother set up a “playdate” for Justin to come over to her house. We immediately ran over to Justin and asked him to tell us who this little girl was. For a few moments, he wasn’t sure. And then, he said – “OH! She’s the one with the three braids in her hair.” (That gave us no insight.) Luckily, I had taken a few pictures of the kids in his class on the first day. I scrolled through the pictures on my phone and asked him to point her out. “Nope, nope, nope, nope….yep, that’s her!”

First of all, Justin has only been in school for 12 days and already the girls are inviting him over to their houses. Secondly, Justin got an orange tag this week – which meant that he was not on his best behavior at some point. Maybe she has a thing for “bad boys” and Justin was just her type. Third, (and most impressive) Justin played it cool. He did not act excited or ask us when the “date” was. He simply went back to playing on my iPad and left the arrangements to GWE. We have been laughing hysterically about this all weekend.

Justin is a wonderful kid. He’s smart, funny, and very friendly. He is a bit of a flirt and has no fear when it comes to talking to anyone. It is not a surprise to me if he is a bit of a “Don Juan.”

I just wasn’t expecting the parade of women in his life to begin in kindergarten!!!!

The Word of the Day: Inappropriate

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Some people have been known to sniff glue. Justin misunderstood and decided to “Sniff Blue.” (Relax, it’s just aerosol from the blue spray paint.)

A few weeks ago, Justin announced that he had been thinking about names for our “Man Cave” (grunt…grunt…grunt). The two leading contenders were:

“Girls Don’t Come In Here. Boys Only. Man Cave.”

And the longer:

“Girls Don’t Come in this Shed Because It’s Only for Boys.”

On our way to school this morning, Justin announced that had been thinking of a new name!

“Daddy? I have a new name for the shed.” Justin said.

“What do you want to call it?” I asked, in anticipation of his great mind at work.

“Okay daddy….how about the ‘Man-Boy Cave?’ I was quiet for a moment.

(Oh, great….the last thing I wanted was to have my 5 ½ year old son telling people that we have a place in the backyard that we built called the “Man-Boy Cave.” It either evokes the imagery of Michael Jackson bringing young boys to “Neverland Ranch” or gives the broad impression that something very weird was going on in there. Neither of which are accurate! And, just to clarify, I only told him to ‘put the lotion in the basket’ once after we applied wood sealant to the desk without wearing gloves!)

“Well, Justin….I like that you’re thinking of names, but that one may be a little inappropriate.” I answered cautiously.

“What does ‘inappropriate’ mean?” he asked.

“Inappropriate means that the name isn’t a good representation of what the shed is becoming. It doesn’t fit.”

“What does ‘representation’ mean?” he inquired.

“Well….representation is…” I gave up. “Justin, I love you, but think of another name.”

He sat quietly for a few moments and I could see him thinking.

Finally, he said, “You’re right daddy. ‘Man-Boy Cave’ doesn’t fit because it’s too long. How about just “Man Cave” (grunt…grunt…grunt!)

Relieved, I said, “I think that’s a great name. Good job!”

Whew!

Sherlock: The Case of the [Bleeping] [Bleep]

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Sherlock  has struck again. He just forwarded me a text that was sent to him from a young lady who wanted to get to know him a little better. There is very little I can print because it is SO graphic. However, in the spirit of dedicated, married fathers being torturing by their single friends with their stories of sexcapades and horizontal conquests, here is another “notch on the bedpost.”

(Direct text to Sherlock) “I’m quite [BLEEP] and [BLEEP] already thinking about you delivering those kisses. I’m wishing I was working from home, so I could go touch my [BLEEP] and rub my [BLEEP] and [BLEEP] my [BLEEP] in and out [BLEEP] and [BLEEP] with pleasure!…”

“…I’d [BLEEP] alright, would love to know! You better be sure to wear goggles! ;-)”

“…Then after I [BLEEP] all over I’d want you to push me down to the [BLEEP] and [BLEEP] your [BLEEP] [BLEEP] into my [BLEEP] [BLEEP], pushing deeper and deeper with each [BLEEP] so I can feel you fully [BLEEP] and reacting to each [BLEEP] and [BLEEP]!”

Sherlock’s final comment to me was – “Haven’t decided whether or not I’m going to invite her to visit, but sounds like it would be quite a fun trip if she did!”

What you just read are texts from a woman who either, A) Just finished reading her copy of “50 Shades of Grey” or, B) An imaginative (and limber) woman who really would like to spend some “quality time” with my friend.

In contrast, here are a few examples of texts that I (a happily married man with children) get from GWE:

“Forgot my Blackberry charger.”

“The 405 is ssssllloooowwwww today.”

“Miss you already”

I know! The differences between the two types of texts are subtle. But, I’m sure you’ll see how they differ given some time.

Honestly, I hope “she” shows up to Sherlock’s house with a five o’clock shadow and an Adam’s apple the size of a basketball. 🙂

Sherlock: The Case of the Missing Inhibitions

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As you may recall, I have a single friend who likes to torture me with stories of wild nights with loose woman and free flowing booze. We call him “Sherlock.” At precisely 12:38pm today, I received the following text:

“I’m headed out to breakfast now! I have a friend who is in town from Vegas for work and she happened to bring one of her friends. Long story short, we finished three bottles of sake while soaking in my hot tub and it lead to….well, let’s just say I’m exhausted. And my bed can easily accommodate three people!”

I calmly explained to him that it’s not uncommon for me to have four people in my bed. However, one of them is my sleeping wife and the other two are my children. Yes, I realize it’s not the same.

And yes, I am starting to dislike “Sherlock” as well.