At 9:16pm, my AOL Instant Messenger popped up with a message from a friend of mine. To protect his identity, I’m calling him “Sherlock.” (He believes that “women are mysterious puzzles to be solved.”) Sherlock is single, successful, influential, entrepreneurial, and – did I mention single? (He recently started a Twitter account a day ago, too: @IamSherlockSays) We met many years ago through a mutual friend while in Vegas at a bachelor party. The moment I realized I liked him was when I saw him keep his cool while ordering room service as we slowly raised the volume on the pornographic movie that was playing in the background. By the end of the call, the television was so loud (and we were laughing so hard) that the concierge probably thought we were having fun killing a hooker. Sherlock wasn’t even fazed.
Sherlock and I still stay in touch, but not often enough. He’s been a real friend through the good times and the bad. And, he is also that bastard friend who likes to remind me how good life can be when you’re single with no kids.
Sherlock: “Where you been all day?”
Me: “Hell. You?”
Sherlock: “Can I send you a picture? It will help!”
Me: “Sure. I’m just here working.”
The next thing that appeared on my computer screen was an attachment. As I waited for it to open, he sent another note:
Sherlock: “This is what I woke up to this morning.”
All of a sudden, my work disappeared, and one of the most amazing breasts I’ve ever seen appeared on my laptop. It was damn near perfect. I don’t know if it was a gift from god or man-made and I did not care.
Me: “Ok, Explain.”
Sherlock: “She’s a friend.”
Me: “I have lots of friends. None of them show me their tits.”
He then proceeded to tell me how they met, what they did, and when she left. It’s at that moment that I truly realized how different our lives were. He is single and able to mingle! I am married, with kids. I love my wife and I would never do anything to mess that up. But, I’m also a guy…in Hollywood…where each woman is more beautiful than the last. There is temptation everywhere. But, I will never cave to the temptation because I cherish my wife and I like my stuff too much. I live by the golden rule – “It’s cheaper to keep ‘er.”
Me: “Jeez. Our lives are very different. You woke up to a beautiful breast and I woke up to shit in a diaper. Very…brown…shit…. in a diaper!!”
Sherlock: “Did I mention that I made her so excited that she soaked through the sheets?”
Me: “Did I mention that I made two children pop out of my wife?”
Another attachment appeared, this one was of a beautiful woman cupping her breasts in a seductive pose lying on a bed.
Me: “Again, Explain!”
Sherlock: “A friend of mine from two months ago who posed for me.”
And then another attachment appeared. Same girl, full length shot, very naked.
Sherlock: “She’s a great little Jewish girl from the OC”
Me: “Um….Jewish girls don’t do stuff like this. I should know. I married one.”
And then a fourth attachment appeared. It looked like a sunset. I looked closer. I was wrong. It was not a sunset.
Sherlock: “She sent me this one as a ‘don’t forget about me’ shot.”
Me: “You are a bastard.”
Sherlock: “I figured you can use a little photographic happiness this week. I’m gonna go. The show is going to start in a few moments.”
Me: “What show? Where are you?”
Sherlock: “Oh, didn’t I tell you? At a friend’s showcase on the Westside now. Going to watch her gyrate! Talk tomorrow. Lolol.”
And with that, he was gone.
I’ll admit it. I was a little jealous…but, not for the reasons you might imagine. I was pissed because I was missing the age of dating when technology became a crucial aspect of courtship. When I was dating and I wanted to see a naked girl, she had to be right in front of me. Today, girls can send naked pictures of themselves to guys as just a tease!! It’s not fair!!
There is an upside to all of this. By the time Justin and Garrett become interested in girls, the technology should be so advanced that girls will be sending them full length holograms of themselves!
