The Art of Potty Training Negotiation (with a 3 Year Old)

Posted on Jun 16, 2015 by Jason

“That is not a poopy toy!! IT’S A PEE-PEE TOYYYYY!!!!!!!”

That is what Garrett yelled at my face from only three inches away. (There was an emphasis on the “P.”) I stared into his eyes while slowly wiping away his spittle from my cheek. Calmly, I insisted that if he wanted that toy…then I wanted him to poop in the toilet. As a Talent Manager, I’ve seen my share of shitty negotiations. But this……this was the “shittiest” negotiation of all time.

In (yet another failed attempt) to potty train Garrett, I resorted to bribery. In exchange for going pee-pee, I gave Garrett Hot Wheels cars and squirt guns. These were merely trinkets. Garrett knew there was better stuff on the horizon, but he wouldn’t give me what I wanted in order to get it.

Much like having fantasies of grandeur while holding a lottery ticket, Garrett began to dream BIG about what he could get for going potty. He even took it to the next level: Internet Research! Garrett took GWE’s iPad, opened the Kids’ YouTube app, tapped on the microphone, and started asking YouTube to provide him with Lego options. From his bedroom, I could hear him command the app by saying, “Lego Firestation,” “Lego Police Station,” and “Lego Trucks.”

Once he found what he wanted, he decided to present his argument (via YouTube clips) to me as to which toys he should get for going pee-pee in the potty and which toys he should get for going poopy in the potty. I agreed with him that some of the smaller items could be considered pee-pee toys. But then, the toys started getting larger…

“Daddy, if I go pee-pee in the potty, you’re going to get me the Lego (pronounced “Yego”) Fire Station.”

“No,” I responded. “That’s a poopy toy.”

“But, daddy!!!!!! It has two garages and a fire truck and a pole the man slides down!! It’s a pee-pee toy!” he replied.

“Nope. You can get the little Lego Mixel if you go pee-pee. The Fire Station is for pooping only.” I offered.

“NOOOOOO. I go pee-pee and you get me the LEGO…..FIRE….STATION!!”

I prepared my counter-offer. “I will get you the Lego Fire Station only if you go poopy in the potty five time with no accidents.”

“NNNNNNNOOOOOOoooooooooo” he screamed as he flung himself onto his bed. “IT’S…….A……PEE-PEE…..TOYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!”

After a few minutes of sobbing, he collected himself and tried a different tactic. “Ok, daddy,” as he wiped away the tears. “Here’s the deal….” Yes, he really says that now. “This (point to YouTube again) is the Lego (“Yego”) Police Station. This is a pee-pee toy!”

“Nope. That’s a poopy toy also.” I stated matter-of-factly. Angrily, he stared at me. I was a little concerned that he might reach back into his diaper, pull out a fresh poop, and fling it at me like a monkey. Luckily, the diaper was dry.

I wish I could tell you that this story has a happy ending. It’s doesn’t. We’re at a stalemate. This is the Cuban Missile Crisis of Toilet Training. Garrett keeps making Lego demands on me while continuing to deny the potty’s existence.

I am preparing to impose the Closed Wallet/No Lego sanctions of 2015 on him!

Are You Eating My Muffin???

Posted on May 20, 2015 by Jason

That’s the muffin in his left hand reflected in the mirror.

One morning last week, Garrett convinced me to get him a muffin for breakfast from “Sexy Starbucks.” We’ve given this nickname to one particular Starbucks because it’s below a yoga studio and another gym that hosts spinning classes. Needless to say, it’s a very good place to do some people watching in the morning! (Especially when Garrett introduces himself to strange women with “Heyyo, Yadies!”)

I finally caved and bought him a muffin. He quietly munched on it while we headed off to school. Once we got to the school’s parking lot, Garrett unbuckled himself and came up to the front passenger seat. He then handed me his muffin so he could play with all the buttons and knobs in my car. While he played with the stereo, the lights, the sunroof, and the glove compartment – I patiently held his muffin.

Periodically, I would take my eyes off of him to look at the muffin. It looked pretty good since I hadn’t had breakfast yet. And then I thought, “He’s not going to miss this little piece on the end.” I pulled off a tiny bit of muffin and ate it. As I was chewing, Garrett turned his head towards me and ask, “Did you eat my muffin?”

“No,” I lied, as I held up the muffin to his face. “It’s your muffin. Why would I eat it?”

He looked at me skeptically, but turned his attention back to the knobs on the car. Once again, I saw another piece of muffin I did not think he would miss. So, I quickly pulled it off and ate it. Again, he turned towards me, looked down at the muffin, and asked, “Are you eating my muffin?”

“No,” I lied again. He gave me the look of “I don’t trust you, but I don’t have proof either.” And again, he went back to playing with my car.

This time, I took a big bite. He turned around to see a chunk missing from the side of his muffin. He could also see the missing chunk in my open mouth.

“DADDY!!!!! YOU ARE EATING MY MUFFIN!!!” he shouted accusingly.

“MOW” I explained with a mouthful of semi-chewed muffin. I swallowed as much as I could as I continued my lie (knowing full-well he was on to me.) “Of course I’m not eating your muffin.”

“BUT… BUT….BUT…I SEE YOU EATING MY MUFFIN!!!!” he stammered in an agitated manner. He was very, very angry…..and then there was a moment of calm.

He pushed his glasses back up his nose, turned towards me, and said, “That’s ok, daddy! You can eat it. I dropped it in the back seat and then stepped on it.”

I Am “UNCLE” GenXDaddy!!

Posted on Feb 4, 2015 by Jason

We have a new addition to the GenXDaddy family! On January 31, 2015 at 5:30PM., my sister gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. (My brother-in-law helped!)

In this corner, weighing in at 7 lbs, 14 oz with a length of 20.5 inches long and with a very full diaper – Sadie Bella Bergman!!

Hey Sadie – when you’re ready for your first scotch, cigar, and tattoo…come to Uncle Jason’s house! Cousin Justin, Cousin Garrett, Auntie GWE, and I are ready to corrupt you!

“Put me BBBAAAACCCKKKKKK!!!!”

We have a Two-Headed Duck…and You Don’t

Posted on Jan 26, 2015 by Jason

Duck, Duck, DEUCE!

In my quest to locate turn-of-the-century, Railroad Grade pocket watches (my expensive hobby), I’ve begun dragging my family to flea markets. The first time we attended a flea market, we were nearly killed by gusting winds blowing items off tables and collapsing canopies. The kids were bored, hungry, and afraid of being squashed by furniture older than their great-grandparents. GWE was a trooper…but that lasted for about 20 minutes, plus the time it took to eat a couple falafels. I decided not to push my luck and I figured I would come back the next time by myself.

Yesterday, I asked Justin if he’d like to come out for breakfast with me and attend the monthly flea market by our house. To my surprise, he said yes!

We left the house at 8:30, stopped at IHop for breakfast, and then rushed over to the flea market. When we arrived, Justin asked, “Why are we here?” I informed him that we were going to the flea market that I told him about yesterday. He rolled his eyes into the back of his head and cried, “NNNNOOOOOOOOOO.” Apparently, he wasn’t listening yesterday and he thought we were going someplace else. I’m not sure where. I didn’t bother to ask…because we weren’t going wherever it was. I finally coaxed Justin out of the car by saying, “You never know what we might buy.” (In all fairness, his response was pretty good. Justin said, “Why bother going, daddy? You’re not going to buy anything.” Usually, I don’t.)

With a sour look on his face and an extra-slow step, he held my hand and walked into the flea market with me. There was every sort of oddity, knick-knack, fake jewelry, and “unidentifiable thing collecting dust” that you could imagine. And then, Justin found the man selling bugs in amber.

Justin was totally grossed out and amused by the giant spider paperweights, scorpion pendants, and mummified bats. He even picked out a shark’s tooth keychain for his backpack. And then, we saw “It!”

Are you my mommy?

Perched on a wooden stand and covered in glass were two-headed ducks, two-headed mice (wearing bowties,) and a two-headed chicken. Justin and I marveled at the sight of the two-headed duck. It was the cutest, yet most horrifying thing I had ever seen. It looked like it came from “The Island of Doctor Moreau.” I kept joking with Justin about all the things we could do with it. Finally, I suggested we get it. Justin was deliriously excited at the prospect of getting this very strange two-headed duck.

I said, “Look, I think we need mommy’s input on this.” Justin immediately looked deflated…and the guy selling the two-headed duck didn’t seem that pleased either. Both of them were certain that this would be the sale-killer. Here is the text:

I ignored the text and turned to Justin. “I really think we need a two-headed duck. Don’t you?” “YES!!!!” he replied.

I paid for the duck while it was properly wrapped in bubble wrap and sealed in a box. The man selling the oddities handed Justin the box and off we went. Proudly, Justin carried his two-headed duck to the car with the care of carrying a Faberge Egg.

We’ve been thinking about name(s) for our two-headed duck. (Because he has two heads, we thought he deserved two names!) We’ve narrowed it down to “Tim and Jim,” “Bob and Bob,” “Batman and Robin,” “Huey and Dewey McDuck,” or ““Franken-Duckie!”

What do you think we should name him/them?

Garrett is Magic

Posted on Nov 20, 2014 by Jason

My 3 year old has the best “Appearance” magic trick I’ve ever seen. No matter how often I put him to bed, he silently “re-appears” next to me without saying a word.

In bed by 8:30pm, but re-appears next to me at 8:35pm while I’m making dinner. In bed again by 8:45pm, but re-appears next to me as I’m eating dinner. In bed again by 8:50, but reappears again next to me as I’m in the kitchen going through the mail. In bed again by 9:00pm, but reappears again next to me as I’m coming out of the bathroom.

It’s almost like seeing the twins appear in “The Shining.”

Garrett’s was 12 inches, but Justin’s was 13!! (First Fishing Trip)

Posted on Sep 21, 2014 by Jason

Several weeks ago, Justin asked me if I had gone fishing when I was a little boy. I told him that I had been many times and that I loved it. But……….I may have embellished my experiences a little. For his benefit, I made the stories sound “homespun,” like they came from the pages of “Huckleberry Finn.” To him, it probably sounded like I had wistful afternoons, lazily sitting on a dock in my overalls, with a fishing pole in one hand and a piece of straw hanging out of my mouth.

The reality was far different. I remember standing on the edge of the main lake at Camp Barney Medintz (about 100 yards away from Poo Pond – it is what you think it is) every year and sweating from the Summer humidity in rural Georgia. I spent more time trying not to pass out from dehydration, avoiding getting stung by bees, and/or hooking myself in the ear with my own fishing hook like my Cousin Scott – than fishing! I remember catching nothing – ever, and being pissed about it. Maybe it was a good thing I never caught anything. Once again, Poo Pond was close by. With my luck, the only thing I would have caught was dysentery!

I guess I made it sound good because Justin liked what he heard and asked if I would take him. I agreed to take him when we had a free day. Yesterday was that day.

Justin, Garrett, and GWE jumped into the car and we drove to a small fishing hole 18 minutes away from the house. Buried in the Santa Monica mountains, we located Troutdale. For $7 a person, we were given parking, bamboo poles with a hooks, a bucket, and corn for bait. (Yes, corn. Justin looked at the corn and astutely asked, “Are we fishing for chicken?”)

The four of us located our “spot” and immediately put our lines in the water. It only took about 15 seconds for Garrett to get antsy. We encouraged him to stick with it for a few more minutes. Just as he began to give up, he handed me his pole…which started to tug back! Garrett caught the first fish. Here is the video:

Determined to do better than his brother, Justin found a new spot and patiently waited for the fish to bite. Nothing happened. 5 minutes passed. 10 minutes passed. Finally, he felt a nibble. As he pulled his hook up to check the bait – it was gone. Fish 1, Justin 0.

Justin must have gotten lonely because he came back and sat next to me. Just as he put his head on my shoulder, there was another nibble. He pulled his hook up once again and the bait was gone again. Fish 2, Justin 0.

Having been outwitted by the trout and feeling frustrated that his three year old brother had accomplished what he could not, Justin began to give up. He was about to hand me his pole when all of a sudden he felt a hard tug. At last, Justin would have his revenge!! Here is that video:

Together, Justin and Garrett took their bounty to the main shack so they could watch their fish be measured, weighed, and filleted. With the excitement and glee that only boys exude when watching something “gross,” they were giddy while watching her fish get dismembered. Justin (in what I hope was scientific curiously and not signs of a “future serial killer”) asked to see the heart. His wish was granted.

Last night, we grilled and ate the fish. I think yesterday was a great learning experience and a success for all those involved…except for the fish. Their day sucked.

Sent from my iPad

To Live and Dad in LA

Adventures in Being A Dad

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