Category Archives: GWE (Greatest Wife Ever)

It’s Not Fun until Someone Cries!

Posted on by
Reply

Justin and I created a new game this week. It’s called “Angry Daddy” or “Angry Justin,” based on who the instigator is. Recently, GWE got a Droid phone and downloaded an App called “Angry Birds.” You play this game by using your finger to pull back your bird in a slingshot, aim him towards a building, and then release and watch the bird smash into the building in the hopes of destroying the pigs that each structure protects.

This game has been a BIG hit in my house. I love playing it, Justin loves playing it, and GWE loves playing it. The problem: not all three of it can play at the same time! Justin and I are usually the ones who fight over the game every evening. We’ve even devolved to the point where either he or I will end up yelling, “Mom!!!! He won’t share with me!!!” (Let’s be honest, it’s usually me!) Once Justin has the Droid, his tactic is to take the game, hold it in his lap, hunch his head and shoulders over in, and then bring his knees to his chest in an effort to play the game and keep it away from me. He becomes his own “ball.”

This week, in an effort to broaden the scope of the game and make it a little more interactive, I’ve introduced “Angry Daddy” and “Angry Justin.” THIS game is not played on a computer!

Here’s what you do:

1)      Announce to your opponent that it’s time for: “Angry Daddy” or “Angry Justin.”

2)      Take a few steps backwards

3)      Fling yourself forward in an effort to knock down the other person

4)      Knock down the other person

5)      Get off of the other person who is now lying on the floor either laughing or crying.

That’s it! So far, this game has been a massive success in my house. I’d like to see Hasbro or Milton Bradley come up with a better concept!

Oh, C-R-A-P!

Posted on by
1

As a parent, there are times when you need to have a conversation with your spouse and it’s inconvenient for the two of you to leave the room to have that discussion. As a solution, we have started to spell out the words that we don’t want Justin to hear. My parents did it. My grandparents did it as well. When I was old enough to spell, my grandparents would switch and speak Yiddish in front of me. (If you’ve ever heard two people speaking Yiddish, you’d know it sounds like a phlegm war. Today,“Yiddish” is the sound of one person talking to themselves and then explaining to others what they just said.)

Spelling out our words seemed to be working. Last week I told GWE that I needed to run a few errands and that I would be going to T-A-R-G-E-T (Justin’s favorite place) and H-O-M-E D-E-P-O-T (Justin’s second favorite place). This way I am able to say what I need to say without triggering a “Justin Meltdown” after he hears the word “Target” and yells at me that he has to go there right now this second to get a “Color Changer Doc Hudson.”

There are two problems with this:

1)      You are presuming that the other person you are speaking with is quick enough to put together the letters you are spelling to understand the words you are trying to say.

2)      You are also presuming that the child really doesn’t know what you are saying.

I have now been proven wrong on both accounts!

I love GWE with all my heart, but she is not great at the “Spelling Out Loud” game. Most times, we’ve been successful at this type of communication. (We did get 100% on communication in our pre-wedding test from the Synagogue.) However, there have been times when I’ve told her something and she just looks at me.  I can see the wheels turning, but she gives me the look of “Does Not Compute!” Eventually, she will get what I am saying – but at that point I’ve had to include hand motions and a Power Point presentation.

As to the second problem – I think Justin is on to us. I know he cannot spell and I know that unless the conversation is specifically about him, his toys, or his room, he tunes us out. But now, I’m starting to wonder….. I was talking to GWE about whether or not we bought a gift for a friend of ours who was having a surprise birthday party. I specifically spelled out “gift” and “birthday party.” After this long (spelled out) discussion, Justin turned towards me and asked, “Will there be chocolate cake at the birthday party?”

HUH!?!?!?!? How did he do that?!?!?!?! What else does he know that we don’t know he knows!?!?!?!

In the future, I may be forced to revert back to my 3rd grade Spanish in order to have a discussion that Justin won’t understand. “Donde es la bibliotheca? El Gato esta en llamas! Arriba!!”

PS: Spelling does not work when you need to curse. I’ve learned that it’s far easier to scream “Fucknutshitbagassholes” at the other drivers on the road then it is to spell it out in the heat of the moment.

Today’s Letters are “F” and “U”

Posted on by
Reply

Justin has just transitioned into his last class at daycare. They call the kids in this room “The Dinos” (probably because they are all going through the same weird growth spurt that Justin is and eating their parents out of house and home as well!) This is a Kindergarten prep class! Unlike his previous classes, Justin will now be learning letters, numbers, and simple mathematical equations. With these new lessons comes the responsibility of homework – for GWE and me!

At random, the teachers choose a letter of the alphabet to focus on all week. Every Wednesday, Justin (and by Justin, I mean “I”) am responsible for bringing in a picture that starts with the letter of the week. What letter did we get on week 1?!?! X!

That’s right, X! One of the most difficult letters to use on a Scrabble board has now become the bane of my existence. I’ve crushed many opponents with a well placed “Xi” on a Triple Word Score, but how do you find a picture of something tangible that starts with X?? I could have made this much easier on myself and chosen an X-Ray or Xylophone, but that’s what 20 other kids (with less creative parents) are going to be bringing in. As far as I am concerned, we need to set ourselves apart from the other “droolers” in the classroom!

This morning, I clipped a picture from Sports Illustrated of a female basketball player wearing an Xavier jersey. I showed GWE and she scolded me with: “Why would Justin bring in a picture of an African American, female basketball player?” Begrudgingly, I threw the picture away and started again.

To see what my other options were, I went online. They were as follows:

  • Xanax (n) – a pharmaceutical drug that is used to treat depression and anxiety.
  • Xanthic (n) – yellowish in color; having to do with the compound xanthine.
  • Xebec: A xebec is a special three-masted sailing ship used in the Mediterranean.
  • Xenolith (n) – a fragment of a rock embedded inside another rock.
  • Xenon: Scientists call xenon one of the noble gases. It’s odorless, colorless, and found in very small quantities in the Earth’s atmosphere.
  • Xenophobia (n) – fear or hatred towards foreigners, foreign countries, or anything foreign. Other related words: xenophobic (adj.) and xenophobe (n)
  • Xeric (adj.) – dry or desert like conditions; having very little moisture.

While all of these would make fantastic pictures for a 4 year old’s alphabet book, I suspect that it would earn me another Parent/Teacher meeting where I have to hear that Justin is fine, but the teachers are concerned about the influence I am having on my own son.

I decided to take a different approach, got back online, and then searched for the most popular “X” searches on Google. The most popular was “XBox 360” and the second most popular was the movie “Xanadu.” (X-Men also came up, but the school discourages bringing in anything having to do with Super Heroes.) I have printed out pictures of both and will let Justin choose the one he wants to bring in. However, I am concerned about the message it sends when he brings in these photos. On the one hand, bringing in a picture of an XBox 360 says: “I’m going to grow up to be a couch potato with excellent online killing abilities.” On the other hand, if he brings in the picture of “Xanadu,” it says “I like musicals, 80’s fashion, and Bob Fosse dance routines.”

Hmmmm – maybe we need to rethink “X-Ray” ……….

 

One “Flu” Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

Posted on by
3

It’s that time of year again – the time when GWE (Greatest Wife Ever) nags us about our Flu Shots! Every Fall I wait as long as humanly possible before I am forced to get the shot. She asks “Did you get it yet?” 24 times and on the 25th time, she actually sets up the appointment herself and then drives me to get my shot. Without fail, I usually get the flu in February!

Now that Justin is “of age”, he too is nagged into getting a flu shot. This morning, Justin was scheduled to get his. The discussion was as follows:

Me: Hey buddy. Put on your shoes. It’s time to go.

Justin: Are we going to school, daddy?

Me: Yes, but we need to run an errand first.

Justin: Are we going to Target?

Me: no

Justin: Are we going to Toys R Us?

Me: no

Justin: (pauses) Are we going to the doctor’s office?

Me: (shocked) Well….yes. We are going to the doctor’s office.

Justin: I don’t want to get a shot.

Me: (I never told him he was getting a shot.) Um….well, the doctor just wants to say hi to you. (Kinda’ true….)

Justin: I don’t want to get a SHOT.

GWE: (from around the corner) It’s a little shot Justin, it will only hurt a little. Jason – why did you tell him he was getting a shot!?!?!?!?

Me: I didn’t…YOU just told him he was getting a shot!!!

GWE: I DIDN’T TELL HIM!!! I HEARD YOU TALKING ABOUT IT!!!

Me: I DIDN’T ACTUALLY TELL HIM HE WAS GETTING A SHOT!!!!! I TOLD HIM WE WERE GOING TO THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE!!! YOU JUST CONFIRMED WHAT HE SUSPECTED!!!!

Justin: I DON’T WANT TO GET A SSSSHHHHOOTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!

GWE and I (trying to hug Justin reassuringly): It will be fine. You like Dr. Howie, right?

Justin: I DON’T WANT TO GET A SSSSSSHHHHHHHHOOOOOTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!

Me: It’s gonna be ok buddy….GWE, you gotta help me….he’s not going to want to get in the car now.

GWE: What do we do?

Justin: I’m hungry. I want cho-co-late!

GWE and I smile at each other evily because we are thinking the same thing.

Me: Justin, I’ll give you a piece of Halloween candy, but you can’t have it until after the doctor’s office.

Justin: ok, daddy.

Justin (in the car for the next 20 minutes): Can I eat it now? Can I eat it now? Can I eat it now?

Me (in the car for the next 20 minutes): No No No No No

We arrived in the doctor’s parking lot and I got out of the car and went around to Justin’s side. The moment I got there, I heard him click the door lock and then laugh histerically. I pretended that I couldn’t get in just to give him some satisfaction. Then, I clicked “unlock” on the key fob and watched the smile on his face drop. I opened the door and undid his car seat. He then yelled “STINKY FEET” as he thrust his feet in my face. This was another tactical move to stall his appointment. He had taken off his socks and shoes and made me put them back on.

As we walked into the doctor’s office, I noticed a distinct change in Justin. He looked like a man who was walking down “death row” toward the electric chair. He had made his peace with it and was not going to give anyone the satisfaction of seeing his discomfort. We both walked into Room 3 and the nurse asked him a few questions. He sat on my lap, answered each of the questions, and then allowed me to roll up his sleeve. The nurse and I prepared for the worst.

Justin did not cry. Justin did not squirm away. Justin was a man!

He watched the nurse put the needle in his arm, give him the injection, and then pull out the needle. The look on his face said, “Is that all you got? Gimme another!!” The nurse placed a “Cars” band-aid on his arm and he walked out of the office with his head held high. Watching him walk towards the door was like watching Shane ride off into the sunset after putting down “Old Yeller.”

The legend of Justin continues…….

Oh, Shit…I’m Shot!

Posted on by
1

While GWE was on a business trip 2 weeks ago, I decided to take Justin to Target to get his first Nerf gun. As I see it, you’re not really a man until you’ve shot someone with a spring-loaded, plastic toy. We picked out three brightly colored guns (with extra ammo) and came home where I proceeded to show him how to load, aim, and fire his new weapon. For the next three days, we ran around the house and backyard shooting each other in the head! We both had a fantastic time and it was a great way for us to play together (and have him burn off some of that “Super Justin” energy he’s got so much of!)

However, this morning, Justin showed me his true colors! He eagerly woke me at 6:15am with his usually rant of “I’ve got to go peepee….I wanna watch “Spongebob”…..I want a mini-bagel with fruit!” I sat him down at the peninsula so he could watch me make breakfast and he could still see the TV. I got him a glass of milk and then proceeded to make him a delicious and nutritious breakfast. While my back was turned I heard him giggle to himself and assumed that he was laughing at the TV. I should have known better.

The next thing I know, I heard a “click” and then Justin shot me in the back with his Nerf gun. As I turned around, I saw him out of the corner of my eye grinning from ear to ear and trying to quickly pull back the mechanism to reload the gun. This little assassin actually got off two more shots (at my ass) while I was trying to find one of the other guns. As I quickly turned around to fire, he yelled “ALL DONE…ALL DONE!!!!!” and he lowered his gun to show me that he wasn’t going to shoot me again. He then told me he was sorry and told me to put my gun away. At the moment I chose to put my gun down on the counter, he pulled out the other gun from behind his back and shot me in the head again!!!!!! What the hell?!?!? I tried to make him breakfast AND show him mercy and he shot me in the head while laughing like a deranged mad man!!!

Let’s see if he likes being woken up at 3am with a Nerf gun pointed at his head! 🙂

Three Wheels, Two Pedals, and No Fear!

Posted on by
10

If driving a tri-cycle is any indication of how Justin will be as a driver, we’re all screwed.

One week ago, I took Justin and his Harley Davidson tricycle to Balboa Park. I assumed it would be an uneventful trip and that I would need to push him along since I’ve never seen him go more than ½ a mile an hour. Oh, how wrong I was. As soon as I took his bike out of the back of the car, he jumped on it as quickly as possible and SPED OFF! I hadn’t even shut the back of the car yet and he was already speeding towards the playground. I quickly ran after him and caught up to him where the path splits. He sat there for a second and debated – “do I go right to the playground or do I go left to the path that goes around the pond?” Then, he decided on a third option – he chose to “off road” it directly to the ducks in the pond. He turned a hard left, started pedaling, and ended up going down a steep glassy hill as fast as humanly possible. There was only one thought that went through my head – “he doesn’t know how to stop!” Once again I chased after him and was able to grab him and the bike 4ft from the edge of the pond. He then turned to me as if nothing had happened and said, “Look daddy, DUCKS!” Needless to say, I kept my hand on the bike the rest of the time we were there.

In an attempt to give him more freedom on the bike, I chose to go to a different park yesterday afternoon. The park on the corner of Balboa and Paso Robles has a gated biking area for children. It has painted lanes, gas stations, stop signs, etc. This is where I discovered that Justin truly is the worst driver I have ever seen. First of all, Justin prefers to bike in one direction while having his head turned 180 degrees (or, he like to look straight up into the sky). He likes to move forward, but prefers to see where he’s been. He also weaves in and out of lanes! His lane is his lane and your lane is his lane! Somehow, he always managed to turn the wheel at the last second to avoid driving straight into a fence or pole. I have no idea how he did it, but it is a trick worthy of any stunt driver.

Also, Justin thinks that biking is a contact sport. He believes that his purpose on a tricycle is to collide with anyone else riding their bicycle as well. I watched him smash into a little girl riding a “Little Mermaid” bike with training wheels. I watched him smash into a little boy on a scooter, and I saw him go after a guy who was wearing rollerblades. (This reminds me of a funny joke – what is the hardest part about rollerblading? Answer: Telling your parents you’re gay.)

And finally, I realized the extent to which Justin mimics both GWE (Greatest Wife Ever) and I in the car. Several times, I watched Justin stop, do something to his eyebrows, and then continue biking. After the third time, I asked him what he was doing. He told me that he was “fixing his make-up”. (I assure you that this is not something he learned in my car.) I then got a dose of my own medicine by watching him drive and act like me. He would purposely pull up right behind another child on a bike who had stopped. He would then obnoxiously ring his bell and yell “Get out of the way Schlubbies.” (This is my toned down version for when he is in the car with me.) It also seems as though he’s observed those few moments when I may have forgotten he was sitting right behind me. Once, I watched him pull up behind another little girl at the pretend gas station and yell, “Move it asshole, I need gas.”

I truly hope that these are not indicators as to the type of driver Justin will grow up to be. If so, I need to call our insurance guy to give him a 12 year “heads up” that Justin will be needing extra coverage!