Sherlock and The Case of Too Many Play Dates

If you’ve been a follower of this blog, then you know about my friend “Sherlock.” Every dad has a “Sherlock” in his life. He’s the single, male friend who somehow manages to have (and happily tell you stories of) the debaucherous sex life that you were never able to have  – even when you were single!

A few days ago, I checked in with Sherlock to see if he had any interesting stories for me. He sent me a text he had recently received from a girl: “”I do want to see you, don’t think I don’t but lately I’ve been having crazy hours at work… Just know that this week won’t end without my lips tasting yours .” I told him that this was pretty pedestrian and I could get this from my wife. He needed to step it up!

Several days later, I got another text from him at 10:30 in the morning. He had partially redeemed himself. It seems as though he had a “guest” spend the night after an evening of poolside cocktails. At some point, she told him that she was “closed for maintenance,” however…um…how can I put is delicately….uhhhh….she informed him that she was happy to have him “plant his flag on the dark side of the moon.” (I really could not find a nicer way to say it. I’m sorry, but I tried.)

And, while that does earn him a (very dirty) gold star – it’s the next texts from him that I found impressive. He was still in the process of waking up from the previous night’s adventure and he was telling me about the lunch he was off to with his French lesbian friends who wanted to hook him up with their French straight girlfriends. And then the bastard sent me pictures….pictures I cannot share with you.

I’ll put this in a way only dads will understand: “He was getting ready to go to a play date to discuss future play dates while still on a play date!”

Daddy Star-Maker

I have often wondered if Justin understands what I do for a living. Explaining that I represent actors should be very simple. But the truth is, no two days are alike. While there are a number of things that are consistent, each day is vastly different. I could spend one day on the phone with casting directors pitching my clients. I could be buried in negotiations and contracts the next day. Another day could be spent on set with a client or in pitch meetings at a studio. Due to the variety of tasks I need to accomplish in any given day, I’ve wondered if Justin is old enough to understand (and if he could possibly explain it to me!)

This morning, I got my answer.

While taking Justin into school, he pulled me over to the play structure so that he could climb the rock wall. As I watched him, a little girl approached me. She could not have been more than six or seven. Politely, she asked, “Are you Justin’s daddy?”

“I am.” I answered.

“Do you make movie stars?” she asked. “Justin says that you make movie stars.”

My jaw hit the floor. I was completely taken by surprise and I tried to answer this little girl as best as I could. “Um….well, I represent actors and actresses and it’s my job to get them into television shows and movies.” It became crystal clear that Justin had been understanding some of my phone conversations in the car and my discussions at home…so, he kinda understood what I did.

With complete confidence, she stood before me. “Well, my name is (blank). I am an actress and I can sing and dance and play the piano.” (Once again, she was either six or seven.)

The gods smiled upon me and saved me from having to explain to her that I don’t represent children. Before she was able to utter another word, the teachers announced that it was time for the children to get into their lines and get ready to go to their classrooms. I told this little girl that it was nice to meet her and then I grabbed Justin by the backpack and bolted over to his classroom’s line.

As I got back into my car to leave, there were several questions swirling around my head: How much did Justin know? How many of my work conversations had he shared with his friends? I’ve used some pretty “colorful” language while dealing with certain people. There is one person I commonly refer to as “Fuck-Nuts.” And recently, we were in the car and I told a business affairs exec that their offer was so low that my client would be better paid if he chose to blow donkey dicks in a sideshow act. (After that call, I turned to Justin and told him that I meant that the client was “blowing up balloon animals.”) Had he used any of those words with anyone at school?

Or,

Did he tell this little girl what I did because he liked her? Did he just use me as his wing-man? I once had a senior agent demand that I represent an “actress” he met at a strip club one night (in lieu of paying her for his lap dances) and I had no choice…because he was a senior agent. Is my son going to make the same request some day?

Maybe I should have followed my father into dentistry.

Makin’ Copies…For the Daddy….Daddio…Dad-orino!

In this day and age, modern conveniences have not necessarily given us more time. I find that there are not enough hours in the day to get everything done that needs to be done, so there are many evenings when I bring my work home with me. Because I need to review scripts, make online submissions, review contracts, re-review contracts, etc.,  I found it easier to have a second copier/printer in the house. It is located in the kitchen on the bottom of a side board.

There are times over the past few weeks when I’ve walked by the printer and noticed blank papers in the “out” tray – but I was unsure as to why they were there. I assumed that they were just extra papers from prior printings. I really didn’t think much of it.

This morning, the printer alerted me that it was out of toner. Impossible!! There was no way it could have been empty that quickly. I got on the phone with Staples, explained that they sold me a faulty toner, and that I needed them to ship me a new one. They apologized for the inconvenience and said they would send it out immediately.

However, this afternoon I turned the corner in the kitchen and discovered a very startled looking toddler who was hammering the “copy” button on the printer. He looked guilty, but still gave me a huge smile as if to say “You caught me, but isn’t this fun?!?!?!” Because the printer is as Garrett’s level, he’s been playing with it without my knowledge. He thinks it’s a toy!

On the one hand, he’s playing with things he should not be playing with. On the other hand, I’m getting a new toner for free!!

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Explanations

This is a picture I took of Garrett at 6:15am on Saturday morning. By this time, I had already fed him, bathed him, changed him, and diapered him. This picture was taken seconds after he decided to poop into his diaper and a few moments before he chose to “investigate” my briefcase and then spit-up several ounces of his breakfast into the middle divider and onto a feature contract I had been working on revising.

The excuse used to be – “my dog ate my homework.” Now, it’s – “my baby threw up on your contract.”

Dreams That You Dare to Dream Really Do Come True….

Several years ago, my wife announced that it was her dream to write, perform, and professionally record an album. While she has always been an amazing singer, I was a little skeptical (but, still VERY supportive.) The process of creating a record is something entirely different and it is a dauntingly, massive undertaking. There are musicians to hire, producers to deal with, arrangements to compose, equipment to deal with, designers and photographers to wrangle, tracks to cut and then re-cut, etc. And, you’ve still got to find TIME to do all of this.

Over the past few years, she has giving birth to (and raised) two amazing children, excelled at a full-time (and demanding) career, and continued to put up with my shenanigans….and yet, she was still able to successfully achieve her dream. My wife is a living example of “if you really want it, you’ll find a way to make it happen.” I used to joke that GWE had the ability to simply “will” things into existence. Here is another example of that…

I am excited and overwhelmingly proud to announce that as of next Tuesday, August 7th, Audra Lee’s debut album, “I’m All In will be available on iTunes, Amazon, iHeartRadio, Spotify, and other digital distribution channels!!! You can see and hear her first original song “I’m All In” right here!!

Enjoy and please get the album!! It is available NEXT TUESDAY!!!!

The Week of Men

"Yay!! Daddy's lost control!!!"

If you follow the “real” me on Facebook, you know that I’ve spent the past week balancing the needs of my clients with the demands of running my company all while providing the sole care for my boys because GWE was out of town. Periodically, I would chronicle what was happening – like “Robinson Crusoe” being trapped on a deserted island observing the mutineers, captives, and cannibals. Here is my “Captain’s Log” for the past six days:

Week of Men, Day 1: GWE has been gone for 10 minutes. There are already whispers of mutiny among the ranks. Or, baby farts. Not sure which….

Week of Men, Day 2: I was woken up by the sounds of “whale-mating” on the baby monitor. I rushed into Garrett’s room to find him “sucking face” with his own image in the baby mirror. Kid’s got skills!

Week of Men, Day 3: Up at 5:35am. Not cool. Garrett was singing LOUDLY and Justin decided to pee LOUDLY. It is going to be a very long day.

Week of Men, Day 3.5: For the love of God, how can it only be noon?!?!? I’ve fed the kids six times and one of them is on nap #3. The bigger one refuses to wear clothes and the smaller one has been crying because he is teething again. I’m going to my inner “happy place” now.

Week of Men, Day 4: I was woken up at 5:51am to Garrett saying “da-da” through the monitor. I was so excited that I raced into his room. He looked at me, smiled, and (again) said “da-da.” I was thrilled!! Then, he looked at the green monkey on the wall, “da-da!” And then he looked at his taggie, “da-da.” Okay – one out of three ain’t bad!!

Week of Men, Day 4.5: I just looked over and both Justin and Garrett are watching TV on the sofa while scratching their privates like Spider Monkeys. My house has become “Planet of the (Nut-Scratching) Apes!”

“It’s 4:45 in the morning….Let’s play!”

Week of Men, Day 5: Up at 4:45am thanks to Garrett screaming like a maniac because his foot was stuck in between the crib bars. At 5:10, Justin walked in and went into great detail about the water squirting aliens in his dreams. Can’t take much more. I may “safe drop” myself at the local fire station today.

Week of Men, Day 6: Let’s see – went to sleep at 2am after finishing a tracking grid for a client, Garrett woke up at 5am and called me Da-Da (got it on tape), Justin yelled at me for turning off his radio and lights in the middle of the night, did the dishes, bathed the baby, made breakfast for everyone, fed the baby, made lunch for everyone, left the house, got to the gas station, Justin yelled at me for forgetting his “Angry Bird” and then I realized that I also left my wallet at home in the diaper bag, went back home, got the wallet (and Angry Bird), handled a client crisis via cell while going back to the gas station, went to school, dropped off kids. Handled a second client request via email while driving – (sorry to everyone on the 405). Got back in the car, made my way past a huge accident, and was in the office for my 10 am conference call. My life has turned into a crazy Japanese game show!

As I am finishing this blog post, GWE just texted me that she has landed and is on her way home. I hope she is well rested because tonight – I’m taking 2 Tylenol PMs with a Sparkling Rabbi and I don’t plan on waking up until the bed sheets need changing!