Category Archives: Hollywood

Sherlock: The Case of the [Bleeping] [Bleep]

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Sherlock  has struck again. He just forwarded me a text that was sent to him from a young lady who wanted to get to know him a little better. There is very little I can print because it is SO graphic. However, in the spirit of dedicated, married fathers being torturing by their single friends with their stories of sexcapades and horizontal conquests, here is another “notch on the bedpost.”

(Direct text to Sherlock) “I’m quite [BLEEP] and [BLEEP] already thinking about you delivering those kisses. I’m wishing I was working from home, so I could go touch my [BLEEP] and rub my [BLEEP] and [BLEEP] my [BLEEP] in and out [BLEEP] and [BLEEP] with pleasure!…”

“…I’d [BLEEP] alright, would love to know! You better be sure to wear goggles! ;-)”

“…Then after I [BLEEP] all over I’d want you to push me down to the [BLEEP] and [BLEEP] your [BLEEP] [BLEEP] into my [BLEEP] [BLEEP], pushing deeper and deeper with each [BLEEP] so I can feel you fully [BLEEP] and reacting to each [BLEEP] and [BLEEP]!”

Sherlock’s final comment to me was – “Haven’t decided whether or not I’m going to invite her to visit, but sounds like it would be quite a fun trip if she did!”

What you just read are texts from a woman who either, A) Just finished reading her copy of “50 Shades of Grey” or, B) An imaginative (and limber) woman who really would like to spend some “quality time” with my friend.

In contrast, here are a few examples of texts that I (a happily married man with children) get from GWE:

“Forgot my Blackberry charger.”

“The 405 is ssssllloooowwwww today.”

“Miss you already”

I know! The differences between the two types of texts are subtle. But, I’m sure you’ll see how they differ given some time.

Honestly, I hope “she” shows up to Sherlock’s house with a five o’clock shadow and an Adam’s apple the size of a basketball. 🙂

Sherlock: The Case of the Missing Inhibitions

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As you may recall, I have a single friend who likes to torture me with stories of wild nights with loose woman and free flowing booze. We call him “Sherlock.” At precisely 12:38pm today, I received the following text:

“I’m headed out to breakfast now! I have a friend who is in town from Vegas for work and she happened to bring one of her friends. Long story short, we finished three bottles of sake while soaking in my hot tub and it lead to….well, let’s just say I’m exhausted. And my bed can easily accommodate three people!”

I calmly explained to him that it’s not uncommon for me to have four people in my bed. However, one of them is my sleeping wife and the other two are my children. Yes, I realize it’s not the same.

And yes, I am starting to dislike “Sherlock” as well.

My Little Loan Shark, Pt 2

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Yesterday morning, I took a financial loan (with a high interest rate) from my son.

Last night at 8:00pm, I walked into my house and found my son standing in the doorway. Clearly, he had been waiting for me. “Daddy, I’ve been looking for you.” he said, with a serious expression on his face. I did not have his money.

Luckily, GWE did. I quickly pulled two dollars out of my wallet and I grabbed a ten dollar bill out of her purse and handed all of it to Justin. (As you can see from the picture above, he was clearly satisfied.)

Now, I owe GWE ten dollars. This is such a vicious cycle.

Single Guy vs. Married Guy, Part 2

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At 9:16pm, my AOL Instant Messenger popped up with a message from a friend of mine. To protect his identity, I’m calling him “Sherlock.” (He believes that “women are mysterious puzzles to be solved.”) Sherlock is single, successful, influential, entrepreneurial, and – did I mention single? (He recently started a Twitter account a day ago, too: @IamSherlockSays) We met many years ago through a mutual friend while in Vegas at a bachelor party. The moment I realized I liked him was when I saw him keep his cool while ordering room service as we slowly raised the volume on the pornographic movie that was playing in the background. By the end of the call, the television was so loud (and we were laughing so hard) that the concierge probably thought we were having fun killing a hooker. Sherlock wasn’t even fazed.

Sherlock and I still stay in touch, but not often enough. He’s been a real friend through the good times and the bad. And, he is also that bastard friend who likes to remind me how good life can be when you’re single with no kids.

Sherlock: “Where you been all day?”

Me:  “Hell. You?”

Sherlock: “Can I send you a picture? It will help!”

Me: “Sure. I’m just here working.”

The next thing that appeared on my computer screen was an attachment. As I waited for it to open, he sent another note:

Sherlock: “This is what I woke up to this morning.”

All of a sudden, my work disappeared, and one of the most amazing breasts I’ve ever seen appeared on my laptop. It was damn near perfect. I don’t know if it was a gift from god or man-made and I did not care.

Me: “Ok, Explain.”

Sherlock: “She’s a friend.”

Me: “I have lots of friends. None of them show me their tits.”

He then proceeded to tell me how they met, what they did, and when she left. It’s at that moment that I truly realized how different our lives were. He is single and able to mingle! I am married, with kids. I love my wife and I would never do anything to mess that up. But, I’m also a guy…in Hollywood…where each woman is more beautiful than the last. There is temptation everywhere. But, I will never cave to the temptation because I cherish my wife and I like my stuff too much. I live by the golden rule – “It’s cheaper to keep ‘er.”

Me: “Jeez. Our lives are very different. You woke up to a beautiful breast and I woke up to shit in a diaper. Very…brown…shit…. in a diaper!!”

Sherlock: “Did I mention that I made her so excited that she soaked through the sheets?”

Me: “Did I mention that I made two children pop out of my wife?”

Another attachment appeared, this one was of a beautiful woman cupping her breasts in a seductive pose lying on a bed.

Me: “Again, Explain!”

Sherlock: “A friend of mine from two months ago who posed for me.”

And then another attachment appeared. Same girl, full length shot, very naked.

Sherlock: “She’s a great little Jewish girl from the OC”

Me: “Um….Jewish girls don’t do stuff like this. I should know. I married one.”

And then a fourth attachment appeared. It looked like a sunset. I looked closer. I was wrong. It was not a sunset.

Sherlock: “She sent me this one as a ‘don’t forget about me’ shot.”

Me: “You are a bastard.”

Sherlock: “I figured you can use a little photographic happiness this week. I’m gonna go. The show is going to start in a few moments.”

Me: “What show? Where are you?”

Sherlock: “Oh, didn’t I tell you? At a friend’s showcase on the Westside now. Going to watch her gyrate! Talk tomorrow. Lolol.”

And with that, he was gone.

I’ll admit it. I was a little jealous…but, not for the reasons you might imagine. I was pissed because I was missing the age of dating when technology became a crucial aspect of courtship. When I was dating and I wanted to see a naked girl, she had to be right in front of me. Today, girls can send naked pictures of themselves to guys as just a tease!! It’s not fair!!

There is an upside to all of this. By the time Justin and Garrett become interested in girls, the technology should be so advanced that girls will be sending them full length holograms of themselves!

Go To Your Room

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"To Kill a Mockingbird"

Yesterday afternoon, I terminated my relationship with an important client. It was a very difficult decision to make, but it became an inevitability. It wasn’t because he wasn’t talented, employable, or recognizable. On the contrary, he was all of those things and more. I ultimately ended our working relationship due to his uncontrollably bad behavior. I had great hopes for the next stage in his career and I had worked tirelessly to help him achieve his goals. But now, as I sit here sifting through the rubble of this disaster…I’m completely exhausted from weeks of negotiating on this client’s behalf, which have now gone to waste. And, I am disheartened by my failure to recognize and aid a client who was on a downward spiral of his own doing.

There is a lesson here and I’m still trying to figure out what it is. Many questions keep coming to mind – What steps can I take to prevent my sons from becoming men who are not ruled nor ruined by their own demons? How do I impress upon them that their actions (both good and bad) will not only affect them, but greatly impact those around them? And, how do I instill enough confidence in them so that they never have to rely on their vices for strength?

I’ve tried to show Justin “right” from “wrong”, encouraged him to demonstrate acts of kindness and compassion, and I’ve demanded that Justin show respect to all those around him. Whenever Justin has misbehaved, he has been reprimanded. Even at this young age, he understands that his actions had consequences. If he did something wrong, he got sent to his room. Yet, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I don’t have the answers I’m looking for.

So, here is a note for “Future Garrett” and “Future Justin”:

Boys – Sometimes life is going to be harder than you expected it to be. It’s at those moments when you will be judged by your actions. It’s easy to be “good” when everything is going well and it’s very easy to be “bad” when the dark clouds come and nothing is going the way you expected. There will be moments when you want to run away from your problems and there will be other times when you may want to seek solace where it should not be sought. I promise you that if you stay true to your word, put your faith and trust in those people who love and support you, and stay honest  – you will never be judged poorly.

As for my former client…he is not my child. I cannot “ground” him or send him to his room without supper. I can simply say, “thank you.” Without his actions, I would not have begun to think about how to shape my boys into honorable men.

There’s No Business like Show Business

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Over the past 16 years, I’ve been battered, bruised, beaten, fired, ignored, screamed at, fired again, hung up on, lied to, lied about, cursed at, had things thrown at my head, been threatened, been forced to perform an illegal (or at the very least, “morally ambiguous”) activity or two, and been left for dead by an industry that I loved. And still, after all of that, I consider myself to be one of the lucky ones. I’m still here. There are people who still trust my guidance and wisdom and somehow, I keep getting up after being knocked down. This is the true definition of “unrequited love.”

By day, I am a Hollywood Talent Manager and I am currently responsible for the careers of 25 talented, (mostly) recognizable, and (mostly) employed actors. I read scripts, make submissions, pitch clients for projects, call executives, negotiate deals, and try to stay “in the know.” At any given moment, you may see one of my clients on your favorite television shows or in a great movie. As Jerry Maguire said, “I’m the guy you don’t usually see. I’m the guy behind the scenes.”

However, I do my best to leave Hollywood at my doorstep at night before I walk into the house. I do it for a number of reasons, but most importantly – I want to keep it away from my kids as long as I can. I’ve done such a good job of this that I’m not really sure if they know what I do. All Justin knows is that I go to an office, talk to people on the phone all day and then sometimes I yell at them.

While I love what I do and I’m proud of all that I’ve accomplished, this is not what I want for Justin and Garrett. I want them to refer to the seasons as Summer, Spring, Winter, and Fall and not, Pilot Season, Development Season, Episodic Season, etc. I don’t want them to know what a Kardashian is or think that there is any legitimate value in “fame.” Several years ago, I heard Mister Rogers speak at an awards gala full of entertainment industry executives. The first words out of his mouth were, “Boys and Girls……Fame is a 4-letter word.”

But as of yesterday morning, I came to the realization that Justin knew way more than I thought he did. On the way to school, Justin said the following: (I took notes while driving.)

“Daddy. I want to see “Men in Black 3” because it looks funny with the eyes in the soup in the commercial and it opened this weekend, but I don’t want to see the “Pirates: Band of Misfits” movie. It looks dumb. Can we take Alex and Alina to see “Brave”? It’s from Pixar and it opens June 22nd. They made “Cars” and “Cars 2” and “Toy Story 3.” It should be really good. And, Burger King is going to have “Brave” toys in their kids’ meal. And, I want to see “The Avengers” because I like Iron Man and I think the Hulk is funny, but I don’t like the girl. I think all my friends will like it too. And, I want to see “Madagascar 3” on June 8th, but I don’t want to see it in 3-D and it’s from Dreamworks, but I don’t want to see the little boy fall off the moon in the beginning. And, daddy? Does “Pro-me-the-us” have aliens in it? It looks scary. And, when does “Despicable Me 2” come out? Will it have the girl from “iCarly?” “John Carter” looks stupid. I don’t ever want to see that. “Battleship” looks loud. And, it looks like “Transformers.” Is it the same thing? Can we go and see “The Fresh Beat Band” live in concert? They are going to be in Chicago, Philadelphia, Atlanta, Boston, and Los Angeles. Can I have your phone? I want to see “Pocoyo” on Netflix.”

Let me be crystal clear – I’ve been in a lot of meetings over the years with many, many influential and well respected agents, managers, producers, and studio executives. And, hands down, Justin (a five year old) said more intelligent, insightful, and accurate things about the entertainment industry in that one rant than I’ve ever heard from some of the highest paid executives I’ve dealt with. I’ve never been so horrified and proud at the same time.