Category Archives: Hollywood

My Secret Identity

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Like most boys, I wanted to grow up to become a superhero. I wished for the ability to fly like Superman, pop Adamantium claws out of my knuckles like Wolverine, or have the power to smash things when I became enraged like the Hulk. I had no interest in running as fast as The Flash because it seemed like too much effort and as much as I liked Batman – he was not a superhero. (Being rich, having gadgets, and dealing with mommy/daddy issues does not make you a superhero. If Superman can easily kill you with a fart, you are not “Super.”)

However, when I was growing up, my favorite superhero was Green Lantern. Hal Jordan was just a normal guy who flew jets and had no personal demons. But, when he put on his ring, he became a superhero who defended the Universe. With that ring, he had power, strength, the ability to fly, move objects, read minds, and create different states of matter. Because of that ring, Green Lantern could do virtually anything.

While thinking about the Green Lantern this morning, it dawned on me that I too have a ring that grants me special powers. It may not be green and the powers may not be as exciting, but my gold wedding band grants me the power to make major medical decisions, file a joint tax return, and it gives me visitation rights to my wife or children in either a hospital or jail. Because of this ring, I will most likely live longer, be less likely to commit suicide, and (according to many women’s magazines) I’ll have better sex more often.

I also realized that this ring gave me the opportunity to create life (without a social stigma). And, upon further investigation, it bestowed upon me one very specific super power in order to keep those two life forms safe and in line. It’s called, “The Dad Voice.”

I discovered it three years ago – the night after our house was broken into. One of the local alarm companies took advantage of the break-in (without knowing which house it was) and decided that it would be a good idea to have their salesmen go door-to-door making sales calls at 9:30pm…thereby scaring the crap out of people.

The first time they knocked on our door, I told them to go away. Ten minutes later they returned and knocked again. And, once again, I told them to go away. Twenty minutes later, they returned again – and this time my instinct to protect my family kicked in. I turned toward GWE and told her to take Justin into the other room. Once they were safely away, I placed myself four feet away from the front door and opened my mouth. A deep, booming, window and shutter rattling, ear-cracking, attention getting sound erupted from the pit of my stomach.

“GO AWAY!!!”

I saw two salesmen through the shade covering the small window in our front door. They became startled, turned around quickly, and hurried off into the darkness. When GWE came out of the bedroom, she told me that she wasn’t sure where that sound had come from, but it had clearly gotten Justin’s attention as well.

There are only two times I have had to use “The Dad Voice” with Justin. The first was when he was about to stick his finger into an electrical socket. The second time I used “The Dad Voice” it was paired up with the less successful, “Daddy’s Crazy Eyes.” The sound was effective; the visual was not. It was mocked for the days and weeks that followed.

In summary, I’d like to take a moment to thank my wife and boys for turning me into the superhero I always wanted to become. Unlike those other heroes, you won’t have to worry about keeping my “real” identity a secret. I will continue to fight for you, protect you, and embarrass you only when absolutely necessary.

High Fashion

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There really is no story to go along with this picture. It’s one of the hundreds of pictures I took last week (while GWE was out of town) to prove that the kids were still alive.

I sat him on his changing table and told him to give me his best “Blue Steel.”

We are still waiting to hear back on his application to “The Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can’t Read Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too”.

“Limos, Demos, and Bimbos”

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Ice Cube once wrote a song about how good it was to ride in a limo with his “female friends” and how they “hit the sunroof and contemplate all the freaks they can run through.” Whenever I think of limousines, I think of one of two things: 1) Prom night with drunk girls half-naked in a limo, or 2) Rappers in a music video….with drunk girls half-naked in a limo. What I NEVER thought I would witness was my six month old and my five year old chillin’ in a limo on the way to the airport.

On a recent trip to Atlanta, Greatest Wife Ever and I contemplated how to get two adults, two children, luggage, carry-ons, toys, and a stroller into one car. Realizing that this was impossible, we discussed taking two cars to The Parking Spot (a local parking structure) instead. However, after further financial analysis, we realized – it was going to be pretty damn expensive to keep two cars stored for 5 days! All of a sudden, one of us (can’t remember who) had the genius idea of hiring a van to take us to the airport. What a fantastic idea?!?! Lots of space in a van, no parking hassle, and neither of us had to drive. GWE called a service, set it up, and I never thought twice about it.

On the day of the flight, the driver called and notified us that he had arrived. Justin and I stepped outside first to meet him. We were greeted by a shiny, black, stretched limo. Justin’s eyes got wide and he whispered to himself, “coooool.” As it turns out, their SUV was not available – but their “Get-You-Pregnant-On-Prom-Night” Limo was!

My first task was to figure out how to strap in an infant’s car seat. I guarantee I am the first person in history to attempt this. Limos are not meant for infant carriers. I got “creative” with the seatbelt, but I’m fairly certain that any unexpected braking would have caused Garrett and his carrier to go tumbling down the aisle of the limo like they were the rock boulder in the beginning of “Indiana Jones.” Next, I loaded three pieces of luggage, two carry–ons, and a stroller. Finally, I buckled Justin into his seat and GWE and I settled in.

Justin could not contain his excitement during the ride. With a distance of 5 ½ feet between us and GWE in the middle, Justin and I pretended to do magic tricks for each other. Then, we “yelled” all the way down the car to one another. And finally, we pretended to shoot guns at each other. As we pulled up to the airport, Justin unstrapped himself and began to do the “Shaking Butt Dance” out of happiness! He then ran down the aisle and pounced on us.

I hope Justin and Garrett enjoyed their limo ride. I’m just afraid that we’re setting the bar at an unreachable level. What’s next for them?

I’m putting my foot down. No private jets until they are old enough to wipe their own asses!!

Only Series Regulars Can Touch My Son

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While moving some pictures off of my phone and onto my laptop, I came across this gem which I would like to share with you. The gentleman in this photo (who is holding my son) happens to be my client – Aldis Hodge. You may recognize him as “Hardison” on TNT’s “Leverage.” He came over to the house a few weeks ago with gifts of clothing and toys for Garrett. There is no funny story this time. It was just a nice moment when my personal life and professional life came together.

 

The Origin of Garrett

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Of all the stories that I’ve shared on this blog, it dawned on me that I have not shared the origin of Baby Garrett’s name. I was thinking about it while reading an article from Dr. Lisa Quick. As she points out – one of the common themes in choosing a baby’s name is, “How will it affect the outcome of their lives?” Is Little ‘Moshe’ destined for life as a Rabbi? Will ‘Sheldon’ only be good at accounting? I think GWE and I were partially relieved to discover that we were not having a girl because it saved us from having to judge possible girl’s name by their “Stripper Potential.”

“Please welcome to the stage….Bambi!” No. “Please welcome to the stage…Tiffany!” No. “Please welcome to the stage…Selma!” Maybe!

GWE and I began tossing around potential names the evening we found out we were having a boy. Many of the names we liked when we were choosing Justin’s name no longer seemed to be in the running. We had a few new choices, but nothing we were married to.

Then, last May, GWE and I were in Atlanta visiting family. It was a stressful week because it happened to be the same week all of the networks were deciding which television pilots to pick up. I had booked only one pilot that year and I was in a panic. The client was Garrett Morris and the show was a small, unknown ½ hour pilot called, “Two Broke Girls.” On the night of my parents’ anniversary dinner, we were driving back to their house when Garrett called to check in. While on speakerphone, in front of my parents, wife, sister, and soon to be brother-in-law, I informed Garrett (jokingly) that if this show got picked up – I was going to name our unborn baby after him. We all laughed about it.

Later that night, GWE turned to me and said, “That’s not a bad idea.” I asked her what she was talking about. “Garrett,” she said. “I like the name Garrett.” The next afternoon we found out that “Two Broke Girls” was picked up.

As the months leading up to Garrett’s birth passed, we continued to contemplate names. Some stayed on the list, but many came off. “Garrett” remained the entire time. Typically, in the Jewish faith, you name your child after a relative who has passed on. And while we were certain that we would do this with his Jewish name, we were seriously considering going against tradition and not only naming him after a person who was not a family member…but, someone who was still alive!

At some point as a parent, you are faced with actually making a final decision about the name of your child. And, I had to seriously think about it. Were we really about to name our child after Garrett Morris? Seriously?? The “Base-ball been berry, berry good to me” guy?? As I thought about it, I realized that this was a man who had been my friend and someone who stood by me at a time when many would not. This was also a client who had enough faith in my professional guidance and my career to convince me to come back to a business that seemed like it didn’t want me. Garrett had shown me friendship, loyalty, and trust. These are the qualities I wanted our son to have. And so the decision was made – “Garrett” would be the name for our son.

Now, there is a part of the story that GWE did not know until right now. (Sorry, hon.) Since I’m putting this story in writing, I wanted it to be accurate…..so, the following is true. Three weeks before “Little” Garrett was born, I told “Big Garrett” about the baby’s name. We were backstage at a taping of his show and as I was leaving, I turned to Garrett and told him that I would see him next week. He replied, “You mean the week after. We’re on hiatus next week.” At that moment, it dawned on me that there was a possibility I might not see him until after the birth. And…to tell someone you just named a child after them seemed too important to do over the phone. I took a moment and made a judgment call. I then asked him if I could talk to him in his dressing room for a moment. He looked concerned and let me in. And then….I just said it – “Garrett – GWE and I love you, you’re important to us, and we’re naming this baby after you.” At that moment, I saw him turn white, stare at me for a moment in disbelief, and then reply, “Holy Shit!” We talked for a few moments about it and then I swore him to secrecy. I asked him to please act surprised when GWE and I called to tell him the good news. He did!

There is one more funny part to this story. Just as we had with Justin, we refused to tell anyone the name before the actual birth. However, we did tell MOGWE (Mother of Greatest Wife Ever) and FOGWE (Father of Greatest Wife Ever) that the name began with “G”. We would never acknowledge if they were correct, but they were allowed to throw out names to gauge our responses. For weeks, they would ask us about every “g” name in the book. We politely smiled and moved on to another subject. On the Sunday before Garrett’s birth, MOGWE and I were sitting on the sofa and she turned to me and said, “I know you didn’t name him after a 74 year old comedian.” I smiled back and said, “Of course not!” All the while, I was laughing to myself while thinking – “Well, you’re in for a big surprise!!”

And that is the origin of “Garrett.”