Category Archives: In the Car

How Much Love and Respect Can I Get In Exchange for a Gummy Bear?

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On Friday, Justin will be coming to the office with me for the first time. He’s never seen where I work. He has seen me roll calls from the house, yell at people, pitch clients, and close deals from my cell phone (mostly in the car,) but he has never seen me in action in my own environment. Tomorrow will be interesting for the both of us.

On many occasions, Justin has been to GWE’s offices. When he visited her office, he spent the day meeting all of her co-workers, watched TV, playing with his/my iPad, and napping. And, each time he came home, he would tell me stories of the free snacks and sodas at mommy’s office. He loved the idea of being able to walk up to a counter in her office and take whatever treats he wanted…and it was encouraged!

It dawned on me this morning, that I needed to impress my own son at the office. As you can see from the picture below, all I had to impress Justin with was a blender and some Johnnie Walker Black Label. (And, let’s be honest, what 6 year old doesn’t like Johnnie Walker on the rocks at 10am?)

Kitchen1Before arriving at the office this morning, I made a slight detour and picked up some things I knew he would like. I decided to treat Justin’s arrival at the office as if it were a client signing meeting! Instead of printing tracking grids, project notes, and a “hit list” of the producers and directors I planned on calling on his behalf, I decided to “sign” my son with Gummy Bears and BBQ chips and all the soda his bladder could contain.

kitchen2Kitchen3He is going to spend the day “buzzed” from caffeine or he’ll spend it crashing from the sugar rush! Either way, I will have bought my son’s love and affection for 1 work day….and I’m okay with that.

I Can’t Get My Kids to Take Drugs!

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Is it still considered "Pier Pressure" when it's the parents forcing the drugs on the children???

Is it still considered “Peer Pressure” when it’s the parent forcing the drugs on their own child???

In my house, our kids have taken “Just say ‘no’ to drugs” way too far. While I do appreciate that my 1 1/2 year old son has said, “ARBAGOH-WEE” (translation: “No”) to crack, LSD, heroin, ‘shrooms, and Kitty Tranquilizers. GWE and I have had the hardest time getting Garrett to take his antibiotics!!

Garrett is free and clear of his conjunctivitis now, but getting one medicine into his mouth and another medicine into his eyes almost broke us physically and emotionally. I couldn’t help but feel like I was “Antibiotic Water-Boarding” my own kid.

My first mistake was trying to give him the medicine by myself. The first time I did it, I stood in the parking lot of the pharmacy and attempted to jam medicine into Garrett while he was strapped into his car seat. He knew what was coming and he clamped his mouth and eyes shut. He then screamed bloody murder, punched me a number of times, and cried ALOT. (I can only imagine what other people thought as they walked past us.) We ended up with more medicine on us than inside of him.

GWE pulled into the parking lot 15 minutes later and found us both dazed and bewildered. I was slumped over in the driver’s seat exhausted, sweating, and depressed that Garrett hated me for what I tried to do to him. Garrett continued to kick my seat all the while screaming at me – “DA-DA, DA-DA, DA-DA.”

Luckily, from that point on, GWE and I joined forces in order to get him to take his medicine. I held his hands back (like he was about to receive electroshock therapy) and GWE shoved the syringe into the back of his mouth and squirted. Garrett became the master of hiding his tongue in the back of his mouth and then pushing the medicine forward through his teeth and out his mouth just as GWE removed he syringe. We ended up with medicine everywhere. Thanks to Garrett’s regurgitation technique, these are the following things that won’t get conjunctivitis now: his highchair, my hands, GWE’s hands, the floor, one of my shirts, GWE’s hair, and my rear tire and hubcap (I blame GWE for that one.)

Needless to say, GWE and I are still traumatized.

Does anyone know if it’s illegal to chloroform a child under two in order to get medicine into their body without a fight?

Domo Arigato, Justin’s Roboto!

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Should I be worried that Justin is calling his Project "Sky Net?"

Should I be worried that Justin is calling his Project “Sky Net?” (It’s a “Terminator” reference. Look it up.)

As my sister accurately assessed, Justin is the son my parents always wanted. Allow me to explain….My father is a Dentist (Science) and my mother is a Dental Hygienist (Science), plus she still does the office accounting (Math). They were blessed with a son who had no scientific aspirations and an amazing inability to add or subtract correctly. (To this day, I can still add 2 plus 2 and get 5.) However, Justin has begun to excel in his science and math studies! Even though he is in Kindergarten, he has begun working on fractions and a few weeks ago he excitedly told me about the molecules he built in science class using marshmallows and pretzel sticks.

In an effort to foster his love of science and math, we signed him up for a Robotics Class on Saturday mornings. This past Saturday was his first class. Together, we walked into the classroom and met one of the instructors. She sat Justin down and began to instruct him on what he would be doing. Each child was given a box of “Brain” parts and “Body” parts. They were told to follow the step-by-step construction directions on the iPad in front of them and then program the “Brain” to control the body. I stood in the corner talking pictures and video. It was very exciting.

As soon as the instructor walked away, Justin mouthed the word “HELP” and motioned for me to come over. I quickly walked over to him and began to “assist” him in the construction of his robot. After a few moments, I looked up and discovered a stern-looking woman in the doorway motioning for me to come and speak with her. I told Justin I would be right back and exited the room.

The woman began to chastise me that I was NOT to help Justin in any way. They were fine with me taking pictures and video, but I was not to interact with my child AT ALL! She continued to tell me in a harsh and fairly inappropriate tone that Justin needed to do this on his own so that they would be able to better assess his ability and learning level. Part of me wanted to say, “I’m paying for this and you can kiss my ass if you think I’m not going to help my kid…WHO JUST ASKED FOR MY HELP?” The other part of me thought that maybe I was being a “Helicopter Parent” (one who continually hovers over his child) and that maybe I should walk away.

So – I can’t really blog about the outcome of this adventure because I was asked to leave. I don’t know how it ended!! GWE was allowed to stay with Justin and see his final product, while I was relegated to sitting in the car in the parking lot with Garrett.

According to GWE, it was amazing and Justin built a robot that drove around in a square.  Here is the video:

I have been asked to leave many classrooms in my academic career. I didn’t realize it would be possible to get kicked out of my kid’s classes as well!!

What did you call me????

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Justin in CarWhile driving home one afternoon, I decided to take an alternate route to avoid a stoplight. Justin chimed in from the back seat – “Daddy, I thought you said we were going home. Why are we going this way?”

I assured him that we were going home, but that I was taking the “back way.” GWE turned to Justin and said, “Wow, you are very astute!”

Justin paused for a moment, took a deep (concerned) breath, and then asked the following question: “Mommy………..did you just call me ‘stupid’?!?!?!”

There was a moment of silence and then GWE and I began to roar with laughter. We assured him that we didn’t say “stupid.” We were telling him that he was “astute” – he was someone who could accurately assess a situation!

Jeez – I hope I never have to explain to him that I think he’s “farcical” and not a “fart-sicle!”

The Laws of Luck – Law #1

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Periodically, I’ve thought of some fatherly advice that I would like to bestow upon Justin and Garrett. Until now, most of these thoughts have passed without action. Many of these ideas are lost because the boys are too young to understand (and I can never find a pen and paper when I really need one!) So, I am adding a new section to GenXDaddy.com where they can read them in the future. Welcome to the “The Laws of (Pri)Luck.”

(The first one may be a little controversial. It is not meant to sway you politically or religiously. But, this morning I took Justin with me to vote because I wanted him to understand that someday this would be his civic duty. As we listened to the pundits on the radio before we arrived at the polling place, the following “Law” dawned on me:)

Law #1: Never believe anyone who tells you to love or hate something or someone because it’s “God’s Will.”

Boys – Maybe there is a God and maybe there isn’t. I don’t know. But, it has been my experience that anyone who passes judgment and justifies it as “God’s Will” as their only reasoning can be undone with one question: What are all Ten Commandments? You may be surprised to find that most people cannot list them all. According to recent data from a research group, 22 percent of Americans could not name even four of the Ten Commandments. (I’m attaching the list so you can see what they are.)

As you can see, nowhere on this list are any mentions of the (sometimes) controversial issues of bioethics, birth control, abortion, immigration, drugs, pornography, Global Warming, censorship, reproductive rights, taxation, gun control, racism, Creationism vs. Evolution, discrimination, homosexuality, gay marriage, etc. The list is pretty simple: love each other and don’t purposely hurt one another. (And to be clear, these concepts are the foundation of most religions. These are not just Judeo-Christian ideals.) All the other issues I mentioned earlier – you are supposed to figure out on your own!

As time goes on and you get older, you will make your own decisions as to where you stand on certain issues. (Boys – At no point in this posting have I actually told you what I believe and why. That is something we can talk about later…privately.) My advice is to use your head and your heart and some deductive reasoning when deciding – not the rantings of madmen who claim to know some “divine being’s” plan, but can’t remember his actual commandments!