A Talent Manager Calls His Client One Morning….

When I’m dropping the kids off at school in the morning, I try not to take any business calls. That’s our time to catch up, goof off, and sing along with the radio. (I dare you to have a bad morning after singing along with Kids’ Place Live on Sirius XM with a five year old.) Last Monday morning, I had no choice. I had to make one business call to a client. And, I was about to make a call at 7:48am! No one wants to hear from their representative at that time. My plan was to use Sly Dial (yes, I’m revealing a trick of the trade) to go straight to the client’s voicemail – thereby, not disturbing her. Sly Dial somehow failed and she actually picked up the phone. I think she was as surprised to get a call from me that early in the morning as I was that she had actually picked up.

By the way – if you ask Justin, there is one rule in my car: “When daddy’s on the phone, be quiet.” He is fantastic about that and this was no different. He quietly sat in the car as I drove and spoke with the client.

I apologized for calling the client (we’ll call her “JT”) that early in the morning, but wanted to let her know that I was talking to a casting director/producer the previous Friday about her for a project. After we hung up, she sent me an appointment for JT on a different project. I quickly reviewed the elements of the project, the dates, and who else was doing the project. I rarely pass without speaking to a client first, but in this case…I felt confident that the client would not want to participate in this project.

So, while on this call, I explained to the client that I had passed on a project on her behalf three days prior and I wanted to let her know about it should someone ever confront her and ask, “Why didn’t you do this?” I explained to her that A) it was a play in a small theater, B) it was scheduled to have rehearsals and performances in the middle of pilot season, C) the star of the play had a history of substance abuse (and even though he was clean now, anything could happen considering he would be “revisiting past behaviors” on stage every night), and FINALLY D) she would have to appear naked.

Once I said the word “naked,” Justin exploded into hysterical laughter. His laughter was so loud, that the client heard him and she began to laugh as well. (It’s good to know that we were all being professional about this!) I must have said the word “naked” a second time because Justin burst into hysterics again…laughing and laughing, all the while I can hear JT laughing in my earpiece as well. Thankfully, JT was in complete agreement with me that this was a “pass.”

As a male representative, I’m always uncomfortable having the “nudity conversation” with any client. I used to have a female partner and I would delegate those conversations to her. But, now I have a new way to have those conversations – I’m going to have Justin make the call!

He’s No R. Kelly!

While on the way to Justin’s first school chorus performance, Justin and I were immaturely joking around in the car. We…………….. (ahem)…ok, I was being immature and using potty humor with Justin – but he was laughing hysterically, so he instigated my behavior. He made me do it.

I asked Justin how he would feel if I ran up on stage, turned around, pulled down my pants and mooned the audience while he was singing. He giggled and giggled. I then asked him if I could run up, moon the audience, and then flap my butt cheeks. He laughed out loud. Finally, I asked if him if it would be ok if I ran up on stage in the middle of his performance, mooned the audience, and then started farting along with the music. He convulsed with laughter.

When he finally caught his breath, he said, “Daddy – you need to run up on stage, pull down your pants, and then pee pee on everyone.” Together, we howled at this sick potty humor. We had no intention of doing these things. We’re men and these things simply make us laugh.

What you should also know is that Justin and I have our own, non-verbal language. It started years ago with me pointing to my eye, then my head, then towards him, and finally pinching my nose. (“I think you stink.”) He sends me similar messages as well.

However, I was not prepared for how far Justin was about to take our potty humor from the car in combination with our non-verbal language this past Sunday morning moments before getting on stage with his classmates.

While standing in between two female classmates, Justin waved at me to get my attention. He then mimicked pulling down his pants, grabbed his “Little Justin”, and fake peed on those around him – all while smiling directly at me.

My first reaction was massively inappropriate – I fell over laughing. I tried to compose myself as I raced over to him (while still laughing). I told him that he could not do that…we would both get in trouble. He did it a second time just as my mother-in-law came over to wish him luck. I’m pretty sure I was in more trouble at that moment than he was. With her help, we successfully got him to stop just moments before going on stage. (While sitting at lunch a little later, I was able to explain to her what led up to Justin’s mime act.)

I’ve learned a very important lesson here (both personally and professionally) – my pep talks to the “talent” need to be a little less graphic!

Daddy Star-Maker

I have often wondered if Justin understands what I do for a living. Explaining that I represent actors should be very simple. But the truth is, no two days are alike. While there are a number of things that are consistent, each day is vastly different. I could spend one day on the phone with casting directors pitching my clients. I could be buried in negotiations and contracts the next day. Another day could be spent on set with a client or in pitch meetings at a studio. Due to the variety of tasks I need to accomplish in any given day, I’ve wondered if Justin is old enough to understand (and if he could possibly explain it to me!)

This morning, I got my answer.

While taking Justin into school, he pulled me over to the play structure so that he could climb the rock wall. As I watched him, a little girl approached me. She could not have been more than six or seven. Politely, she asked, “Are you Justin’s daddy?”

“I am.” I answered.

“Do you make movie stars?” she asked. “Justin says that you make movie stars.”

My jaw hit the floor. I was completely taken by surprise and I tried to answer this little girl as best as I could. “Um….well, I represent actors and actresses and it’s my job to get them into television shows and movies.” It became crystal clear that Justin had been understanding some of my phone conversations in the car and my discussions at home…so, he kinda understood what I did.

With complete confidence, she stood before me. “Well, my name is (blank). I am an actress and I can sing and dance and play the piano.” (Once again, she was either six or seven.)

The gods smiled upon me and saved me from having to explain to her that I don’t represent children. Before she was able to utter another word, the teachers announced that it was time for the children to get into their lines and get ready to go to their classrooms. I told this little girl that it was nice to meet her and then I grabbed Justin by the backpack and bolted over to his classroom’s line.

As I got back into my car to leave, there were several questions swirling around my head: How much did Justin know? How many of my work conversations had he shared with his friends? I’ve used some pretty “colorful” language while dealing with certain people. There is one person I commonly refer to as “Fuck-Nuts.” And recently, we were in the car and I told a business affairs exec that their offer was so low that my client would be better paid if he chose to blow donkey dicks in a sideshow act. (After that call, I turned to Justin and told him that I meant that the client was “blowing up balloon animals.”) Had he used any of those words with anyone at school?

Or,

Did he tell this little girl what I did because he liked her? Did he just use me as his wing-man? I once had a senior agent demand that I represent an “actress” he met at a strip club one night (in lieu of paying her for his lap dances) and I had no choice…because he was a senior agent. Is my son going to make the same request some day?

Maybe I should have followed my father into dentistry.

My Name Is Aunt Jemima. You Killed My Father. Prepare to Die.

Earlier this week, Justin and I decided to go out for breakfast. I asked him where he wanted to go and he chose IHop. While we were in the car, the following conversation took place:

Me: “I am going to get the biggest pancake they have.”

Justin: “Ooh….me too! I want one bigger than my head!”

Me: “I want one bigger than my whole body!”

And then, Justin’s imagination kicked in….

Justin: “Daddy, I want you to get a big pancake and when the lady puts it in front of you, I want you to grab your fork and then the pancake will grab the knife and you will fight each other to see who gets to eat who. And you will lose. And then the pancake will cut you into little pieces and then grab the syrup and pour it all over you and then eat you.”

Me: “Well, that sucks.”

Justin: “And daddy…when the pancake is done eating you, it will poop you out like scrambled eggs.”

Me: “I think I’ll just have some toast now. Thanks.”

Justin: “It’s ok daddy, because I am going to kill and eat your pancake’s baby pancake.”

Me: “You will avenge me?”

Justin: “I will say, ‘This is for eating my daddy,’ and then I will pour syrup on him and eat him.”

Me: “Thanks buddy.”

The Word of the Day: Inappropriate

Some people have been known to sniff glue. Justin misunderstood and decided to “Sniff Blue.” (Relax, it’s just aerosol from the blue spray paint.)

A few weeks ago, Justin announced that he had been thinking about names for our “Man Cave” (grunt…grunt…grunt). The two leading contenders were:

“Girls Don’t Come In Here. Boys Only. Man Cave.”

And the longer:

“Girls Don’t Come in this Shed Because It’s Only for Boys.”

On our way to school this morning, Justin announced that had been thinking of a new name!

“Daddy? I have a new name for the shed.” Justin said.

“What do you want to call it?” I asked, in anticipation of his great mind at work.

“Okay daddy….how about the ‘Man-Boy Cave?’ I was quiet for a moment.

(Oh, great….the last thing I wanted was to have my 5 ½ year old son telling people that we have a place in the backyard that we built called the “Man-Boy Cave.” It either evokes the imagery of Michael Jackson bringing young boys to “Neverland Ranch” or gives the broad impression that something very weird was going on in there. Neither of which are accurate! And, just to clarify, I only told him to ‘put the lotion in the basket’ once after we applied wood sealant to the desk without wearing gloves!)

“Well, Justin….I like that you’re thinking of names, but that one may be a little inappropriate.” I answered cautiously.

“What does ‘inappropriate’ mean?” he asked.

“Inappropriate means that the name isn’t a good representation of what the shed is becoming. It doesn’t fit.”

“What does ‘representation’ mean?” he inquired.

“Well….representation is…” I gave up. “Justin, I love you, but think of another name.”

He sat quietly for a few moments and I could see him thinking.

Finally, he said, “You’re right daddy. ‘Man-Boy Cave’ doesn’t fit because it’s too long. How about just “Man Cave” (grunt…grunt…grunt!)

Relieved, I said, “I think that’s a great name. Good job!”

Whew!

Father/Son Project

As many of you know, Justin and I have been working on a Father/Son project. We’ve been renovating the shed into a work and play area. Part of the reason I have not been posting to GenXDaddy much in the past two weeks is because….I’m exhausted. It’s tough to run a blog, raise kids, maintain the housework, AND rebuild a structure all while running a business!!

We’re almost done. And, once we’re finished – you’re gonna get a great story!

In the meantime, take a look at this other Father/Son project. Whatever GWE might think of our renovation, at least we’re not doing it at 60mph!!