If driving a tri-cycle is any indication of how Justin will be as a driver, we’re all screwed.

One week ago, I took Justin and his Harley Davidson tricycle to Balboa Park. I assumed it would be an uneventful trip and that I would need to push him along since I’ve never seen him go more than ½ a mile an hour. Oh, how wrong I was. As soon as I took his bike out of the back of the car, he jumped on it as quickly as possible and SPED OFF! I hadn’t even shut the back of the car yet and he was already speeding towards the playground. I quickly ran after him and caught up to him where the path splits. He sat there for a second and debated – “do I go right to the playground or do I go left to the path that goes around the pond?” Then, he decided on a third option – he chose to “off road” it directly to the ducks in the pond. He turned a hard left, started pedaling, and ended up going down a steep glassy hill as fast as humanly possible. There was only one thought that went through my head – “he doesn’t know how to stop!” Once again I chased after him and was able to grab him and the bike 4ft from the edge of the pond. He then turned to me as if nothing had happened and said, “Look daddy, DUCKS!” Needless to say, I kept my hand on the bike the rest of the time we were there.

In an attempt to give him more freedom on the bike, I chose to go to a different park yesterday afternoon. The park on the corner of Balboa and Paso Robles has a gated biking area for children. It has painted lanes, gas stations, stop signs, etc. This is where I discovered that Justin truly is the worst driver I have ever seen. First of all, Justin prefers to bike in one direction while having his head turned 180 degrees (or, he like to look straight up into the sky). He likes to move forward, but prefers to see where he’s been. He also weaves in and out of lanes! His lane is his lane and your lane is his lane! Somehow, he always managed to turn the wheel at the last second to avoid driving straight into a fence or pole. I have no idea how he did it, but it is a trick worthy of any stunt driver.

Also, Justin thinks that biking is a contact sport. He believes that his purpose on a tricycle is to collide with anyone else riding their bicycle as well. I watched him smash into a little girl riding a “Little Mermaid” bike with training wheels. I watched him smash into a little boy on a scooter, and I saw him go after a guy who was wearing rollerblades. (This reminds me of a funny joke – what is the hardest part about rollerblading? Answer: Telling your parents you’re gay.)

And finally, I realized the extent to which Justin mimics both GWE (Greatest Wife Ever) and I in the car. Several times, I watched Justin stop, do something to his eyebrows, and then continue biking. After the third time, I asked him what he was doing. He told me that he was “fixing his make-up”. (I assure you that this is not something he learned in my car.) I then got a dose of my own medicine by watching him drive and act like me. He would purposely pull up right behind another child on a bike who had stopped. He would then obnoxiously ring his bell and yell “Get out of the way Schlubbies.” (This is my toned down version for when he is in the car with me.) It also seems as though he’s observed those few moments when I may have forgotten he was sitting right behind me. Once, I watched him pull up behind another little girl at the pretend gas station and yell, “Move it asshole, I need gas.”

I truly hope that these are not indicators as to the type of driver Justin will grow up to be. If so, I need to call our insurance guy to give him a 12 year “heads up” that Justin will be needing extra coverage!