My wife gazed at me longingly, but with a sense of urgency. We locked eyes. Slowly, she leaned toward me and seductively whispered, “I’m not wearing any underwear.”
Now – where do you think my wife said these magical words?
Let me give you a hint: “All Aboard!!”
“PROCLAIM LIBERTY [OF BABY TEETH] THROUGHOUT ALL THE LAND UNTO ALL THE INHABITANTS THEREOF LEV. XXV. V X.”
Around 11:00pm, I realized that I hadn’t performed my “Tooth Fairy” duties yet. I grabbed a piece of paper from the home office, wrote him a sweet note thanking him for his tooth, and signed it “The Tooth Fairy.”
What should have been a simple “take the tooth and leave the money,” turned into an adventure worthy of the opening scene from “Raiders of the Lost Ark.” First of all, Justin’s room was pitch black. Of all nights, this was the night he decided to unplug his night light. Second, I had to remember where I had seen the “Tooth Book” last. I thought it was on his desk, but I wasn’t sure if he slid it under his pillow before passing out. I went with the assumption that he put the tooth under his pillow…which was under his head. With one hand I gently lifted up the Mickey Mouse Pillow Pet while I using the other hand to search the area. I found nothing.
Carefully, I turned my attention to his messy desk – which was supposed to be a nice surface for Justin to do his homework on. In reality, it has become a graveyard for every Lego piece, Captain Underpants book, magic trick, fake aquarium, empty pencil, old (hardened) Play Doh, and Minecraft toy Justin owns. Much like Helen Keller, I was only able to rely on my sense of touch to find the Tooth Book. I must have touched every single item on his desk before finding that book. However, I didn’t just find the book. I found “The Tooth Fairy Trap” Justin had set for The Tooth Fairy!
The Tooth Book has a little “hatch” in the middle where the tooth is stored. In order to get the tooth, you must pop open the hatch! Justin tried to outwit The Tooth Fairy by putting his mini-Liberty Bell on top of the hatch. Smartly, Justin assumed that when The Tooth Fairy lifted the hatch, the bell would ring – and he would be woken up!! His plan almost worked, too!! I felt the bell, but didn’t know what it was. It wasn’t until a millisecond BEFORE I knocked it over that I realized what it was and how loud it could have been! I carefully moved it to the side, collected the tooth, and left the money and a note.
The next time Justin loses a tooth, I’ll retrieve it from his room while wearing a Dental Lab Coat, a fedora on my head, and a bullwhip by my side. I will no longer be known as “The Tooth Fairy.” You can call me “GenXDaddy Decay…Jones!!”
“You either get busy livin’ or get busy bucklin’!”
While in the car (most of my stories tend to start in the car), Justin was having a phone conversation with my father. As he was talking to “Papa Jeff,” he was also continuing to play with his Legos. I must have stopped short at some point because he dropped Lego Iron Man and he was not in a position to get him unless he undid his seatbelt.
The following conversation took place….with my father listening in from Atlanta:
Justin: “Daddy, I dropped Lego Iron Man.”
Me: “It’s ok. I’ll get him when we stop.”
Justin: “No daddy. Can I unbuckle my seatbelt? I can get him.”
Me: “No Justin. I’ll get it.”
Justin: “Pleaseeeeeeeee……Let me unbuckle my seatbelt to get him!”
Me: “Justin, don’t unbuckle your seatbelt. I don’t want to go to jail.”
(At this point, I’m about to be guilty of a parenting fail…but I go on…)
Justin: “Why would you go to jail?”
Me: “Everyone is supposed to wear their seatbelt. If the policeman pulls me over and he sees that you’re not wearing your seatbelt, he’s going to take me to jail.”
Justin: (begins to giggle.)
Me: “Justin….I don’t want to go to jail because I’m afraid of jail.”
(This is where it goes horribly wrong.)
Me: “And I’m afraid that if I went to jail, some guy named Bubba is going to make me his girlfriend.”
Justin: (Erupts in laughter…hearty, gut-busting laughter.)
Me: “I don’t want to be Bubba’s girlfriend….so keep your seatbelt on!”
Justin: (Still laughing) “He’s gonna make you a girl!?!?!?!”
Me: “I dunno, buddy. I imagine that Bubba is pretty big. He might make me a girl!”
Justin: (Continued to laugh so hard that he couldn’t catch his breath.)
The next day, I was asked to assist one of Justin’s teachers with administering an AR Test to a few students. Justin was clearly excited to have me in his classroom because he was almost bouncing off the walls. He was thrilled to show me his projects that were proudly displayed on the walls and hanging from the ceiling.
Finally, he grabbed my hand and guided me up to his teacher’s desk. He excitedly began to tell Mrs. Rubin all about seatbelts and that if he didn’t wear his seatbelt, his daddy was going to become someone’s….(yes, I caught it in time.) I quickly put my hand over his mouth and doubled over laughing. I explained to his teacher that we were having a goofy conversation in the car the previous day.
As I steered Justin back to his chair, I think he got the idea that the conversation wasn’t appropriate because he couldn’t help laughing either. The two of us were giggling like idiots and I was fully expecting to get sent to the Principal’s office (again.)
If you’ve been a reader of this blog and recently said to yourself, “Hey – that GenXDaddy guy has been slacking off! Where are all the new stories?!?!” I have two things to point out: 1) You should seek help if you find yourself asking rhetorical questions out loud, and 2) Yes, I have been delinquent in adding stories for one very good reason – We’re moving!
That’s right – after 8 years in our house, we’re moving on!
This wasn’t the easiest decision. Yes, we had run out of space…yes, the plumbing sucked…yes, the floor tiles kept coming apart…yes, the hot and cold water faucets were switched…yes, the locks had been broken…yes, the yard had completely died (even with gardeners tending to it) and, yes…we lived across the street from a crack house (excuse me, “Unofficial Halfway House.”) But, it was our home.
I will always love that home for sentimental reasons. It’s where GWE and I started our family – we created our boys there, brought them home from the hospital, and I even buried their freshly circumcised schmeckles under the lemon tree in the front yard. (Sorry if you read this while drinking your morning coffee.) It’s where we celebrated birthdays and holidays. It’s where Justin and I locked ourselves in the bathroom for an entire weekend of potty training and where Garrett drove his first car…into the water main. It’s where the Man Cave was constructed…and still remains.
And, yes – it is the house that was broken into by four thieves in the middle of the afternoon while we were at work. But, they were arrested INSIDE the house and we did end up making an extra $25 dollars in prison restitution money – so, that’s a plus!
In an attempt to bring closure to this chapter in our lives, my mother suggested something that she had done whenever she was moving around as a child. She told me that she and her sisters used to write messages to the house on the walls as a “goodbye.” I thought it was a brilliant idea, so we wrote messages to our house as well:
This is what we wrote in Justin’s room.
These notes to the house are self-explanatory!
We are moving on and we’re just now getting settled into our new home. I’m excited about the new memories we will make here and I’m looking forward having enough square footage so that I don’t have to step on Legos in the middle of the night!
“Believe this took three hours to building I cannot” – Yoda
As you can see from yesterday’s post, Justin and Garrett got new toys. Justin got a Lego Star Wars toy because we’ve been playing Lego Star Wars: Clone Wars on Xbox 360. He’s the only kid who knows every Star Wars character, robot, and planet – yet, he’s never seen any of the movies. When we got home last night, he opted to play video games with me before bed and save the Lego construction for Saturday morning.
At 6:45am I stumbled out of my bedroom with both eyes closed and I was met in a long dark hallway by a very awake (and very excited) Justin. “Legos, daddy!!!! We need to build LEGOS!!!”
“Crap,” I thought, and might have actually said out loud. “Ok, buddy – I’ll get the Legos ready and you make the coffee….no, wait, other way around. I’ll make the coffee, you get the Legos ready.”
It took us THREE HOURS to build this Lego Star Wars toy.
THREE….LONG….HOURS…..
A few things happened while building this toy:
1) Justin may have learned some new words. At 7:45 he turned to me and said, “Daddy – Please stop saying “fuck.”
2) Lego pieces are getting smaller. I remember playing with Lego “blocks” and “boards” when I was a kid. These new pieces are so much smaller. I’m surprised each package doesn’t come with a microscope and tweezers!
3) Uncle Jesse is on my shit list. It’s his job to construct Lego projects with my son, not mine! He couldn’t be bothered to take a midnight flight to Los Angeles to help Justin – therefore, he’s fired from the family.
4) Since when is a degree in architecture required to build a Lego structure??? Holy cow!
5) And finally, I hope Justin likes the final product….because it will never look like this again. Ever!
I can’t be sure if I bought their love or their temporary silence.
On Monday, I’m an enthusiastic parent who has the best of intentions. By Friday night, I’m exhausted and my parenting skills have eroded to the point of, “You want to play in the middle of the street? Whatever, just take your brother with you.”
This week has been particularly exhausting for a number of reasons. When I picked up the boys from each of their schools, I thought I had enough energy to cook them dinner. After five minutes of Justin telling me a story in his loudest voice possible and Garrett screaming for Elmo (“MELMO!!! MELMOOOO!!!) while kicking my seat, I thought – “Maybe I’ll order in.”
For the next four minutes, I was hammered with questions from Justin: “Can we stop at Target and get a toy?” No. “Can we eat at Burger King?” No. “Can we just see if there are new toys at Target?” No. “Can we get a small toy from Burger King?” No. “Does mommy need anything from Target?” No. “Don’t you like Burger King?” No. And like a parrot, Garrett kept yelling “YEAH!” after Justin asked each question. (He’s too young to understand what Justin was asking, but it didn’t matter. He understood that it was them against me.)
On the fifth minute, they broke me. I don’t know if it was the barrage of questions or the yelling or the crying out for “MELMO!!,” but they successfully performed a Verbal Waterboarding. My intention was to feed them good food and reward their great week without gifts, but by simply playing with them. That’s not how the evening ended.
The evening ended with new toys from Target, Kid’s Meals from Burger King, and yet another notch on my Parenting Failure list.