There’s a Carpathian in the Crapper

vigonormalGarrett and Justin wanted to see “Ghostbusters.” I knew they were too young to see the new one, so I rented the original. They loved it. LOVED IT! They kept running around the house for days pretending to ‘bust’ ghosts. Whenever we got into my car (once referred to as “The Hotmobile,” now referred to as “Ecto-1”) they would request the “Ghostbusters” theme music on repeat and sing it as loud as they could over and over and over as Garrett made the siren sounds with his voice.

That all changed when the DVD of “Ghostbusters 2” arrived at the house. What started with excitement and anticipation ended in tears and a fear of going to the bathroom alone.

While the boys loved “Slimer” and “The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man” in the first movie, they were a lot less jovial after seeing “Vigo the Carpathian.” Garrett didn’t seem scared. I would describe his reaction as ‘reserved.’ Justin was clearly bothered by the character and covered his face a couple of times.

I should have been a little more observant and understanding of Justin’s fear, but I wasn’t thinking. All I saw was a way to have fun scaring the kid who’d spent all week trying to scare me.

While the boys continued to watch the movie, I went to my computer, printed out a picture of Vigo the Carpathian, taped it to the inside of Justin’s toilet seat, and then quietly closed the lid. My trap had been set. I just needed Justin’s bladder to set this prank in motion.

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When it was time for dinner, Justin asked for us to pause the movie…and he never returned to it. Hours later, it was time for bed and I asked Justin to get ready. He put on his pajamas, brushed his teeth, and then climbed into bed. Knowing that the trap had not yet been sprung, I asked Justin to go potty. He told me that he didn’t have to.

“Justin – go potty before you go to bed.” I said.

“I don’t have to,” he replied.

“Justin – you’re going to have to go in the middle of the night. You might as well go now,” I reasoned.

“I don’t have to,” he said, again.

“C’mon, Justin. Just go!” I said in my deepened dad-voice as a ‘do-it-or-else.’

Begrudgingly, he got up, walked into the bathroom, turned the light on and then turned the light off and got back into bed.

“Justin! There is no way you went potty. At least lift the lid this time!” And then I waited………

Once again, he got up, walked into the bathroom, turned on the light, flipped the lid…..and then he SCREAMED a scream I had never heard before. At first, I was very pleased with myself. I got him and I got him good! I was expecting him to come out of the bathroom smiling with an “Oh dad. You got me so good” look on his face. That was not the look I saw when he came of the bathroom.

What actually happened was that he raced out of the bathroom and into his bedroom with tears streaming down his face and he was white as a ghost. He collapsed on the floor where I was standing and he began to shake while screaming, “HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME????” My prank had blown up in my face and now my son was a crying blob on the floor who refused to go into the bathroom by himself for any reason.

Thankfully, Garrett was the one who saved the day!

As I got Justin into bed and tried to calm him down by telling him that everything would be ok, there was a moment of silence as we both heard Garrett walk into the same bathroom. I thought, “oh shit, it’s gonna happen again.” In silence, Justin and I stared at each other as we heard Garrett pull down his pants, then lift the lid…….and then, we heard him quietly laugh to himself……and finally, we heard the sound of him peeing. As if nothing was amiss, Garrett pulled up his pants, closed the toilet lid, flushed, and walked out.

Justin and I could not contain ourselves. We erupted in laughter. The thing that almost scared the (literal) crap out of Justin actually made Garrett laugh as he went potty!!

So, now we know, a Carpathian in the crapper isn’t for everyone!

 

Midway Done My Way!

MidwayFor a brief, shining moment, Justin thought I was the greatest “Gamer” on the planet. He looked at me with awe and envy because I was able to do what he could not: I beat a video game!

Lego Dimensions is the video game of choice in our house. If you haven’t played it, it’s a Lego game that incorporates characters from popular movies and television shows, such as “Ghostbusters,” “Doctor Who,” and “The Simpsons” and allows the player to complete challenges in each world using items like “Echo1” and the “Back to the Future” hoverboard.

One of the final Player Packs that was just released is called “The Midway Arcade Level Pack.” As the Gamer character, your task is to complete ‘80s/retro Midway games like Joust, Rampage, and Defender. Justin knew these games by name. What he didn’t know was that these were the games that I spent YEARS mastering in my youth. Nothing was better than having both pockets full of quarters and spending time in the darkened arcade of Perimeter Mall in the late 80’s.

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Excitedly, Justin opened the new pack and loaded his game onto the Xbox 360. Out of curiosity, I stayed with him to see how authentic these Midway games were. (Spot on!) Once he was in the game, his character was given a series of challenges. Repeatedly, his character failed each challenge because he could not complete the basic levels of the retro Midway games.

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“Dad?” he said meekly as he handed me the controller. “Can you try and get me past this level?”

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AH-HA!!!! I had been waiting for this moment for YEARS!!! Now, my oldest son was about to witness my true talent! GenX Daddy was about to teach a lesson in “8-Bit Video Game Whoop-Ass!”

With ease, I was able to complete level after level. Justin kept looking at the television and then back at me as if I was performing miracles. Finally, I handed him back the controller and announce – “The levels are open!” It blew his mind.

And, then I confused him when I took my ‘80s video game pop culture references too far by asking him in a robotic voice: “Shall we play a game? How about a nice game of Chess, Joshua?”

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“Um…my name is Justin,” he replied. (Note to self: Show Justin “War Games.”)

Justin Makes A Bed – Mine?

Bed2Justin must want something, but he hasn’t told us what it is yet. However, there have been subtle clues around the house. Things are a little neater. Clothing has been put away and the “puppy-dog” eyes have made an appearance once or twice over the past two weeks.

The latest act of kindness has appeared in an unexpected place: my bedroom.

One morning, I climbed out of bed and wandered into the kitchen to look for coffee. When I returned, my bed was made and a note was placed neatly on the pillows:

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Wow – he must want something very badly if he not only made his bed, but made mine as well!! I wonder what he wants.

 

CHARLIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

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This man is bringing home “fast food.” If he’s not fast, they won’t be food.

Recently, I’ve become addicted to a quintessentially British cooking show from the ’90s called “Escape to River Cottage.” The recommendation was given to me as a cure for insomnia. It’s effect was quite the opposite. I’m hooked and can’t get enough of this show. The concept is simple: what happens when a professional chef moves to the middle of nowhere and begins living a farm-to-table life? There are a lot of unintentionally, funny moments.

In an effort to spend more time together, Justin has begun watching these cooking shows by my side. What we saw made us laugh and cringe all at once. To Justin, the name “Charlie” now elicits a visceral reaction of small tears and uncomfortable laughter.

Early in the program, the host decided that gardening was great, but that he needed more protein in his meals. (There were only so many pigeons he could shoot off of his neighbors roof to eat. No joke!) He decided to buy a pig. However, the pig farmer was insistent on two rules:

  1. A pig cannot live alone. It needs a companion. Preferably, many. (The host settled on two pigs, but really only wanted one.) And, more importantly:
  2. Do not name the pig! It would make it harder to do what needed to be done…in the end.

The host honored the first rule, but broke the second one by the end of the first day. He named one pig, “Charlie.”

Watching the host befriend the pig and then over time realize what he’d have to do to the pig is one of the funniest and saddest things we’ve ever watched.

Ultimately, we could not watch the “pork” episode. Justin and I talked about it a lot and we imagined the host eating his friend while tears streamed down his face as he screamed, “CHARLIEEEEEEEEEEE” with bits of meat falling out of his mouth.

Ever since we started watching that show, on the rare occasion we saw or ate pork, Justin and I would fake scream, “CHARLIEEEEEEEEE!!” We would laugh uncontrollably.

And then, I pulled out the slow cooker!

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The small note reads: “Hi! My name is Charlie!”

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Honestly, this meal was delicious and entertaining as we chewed slowly while randomly screaming out, “CHARLIEEEEEEEEE!!!!”

 

The Priluck Boys Present…The News!

WMNEach Spring, GWE and I bid on one particular item at Justin and Garrett’s school’s silent auction. It’s not a wine basket or gift certificate. It’s the experience of hosting the school’s morning news/announcement show for an entire week. We’ve done it for the past couple of years and it’s become such a tradition that even the administrators at the school know that it’s something the boys (and maybe GWE) really, really look forward to.

For the first two years, Justin hosted the show with GWE. Last year, he hosted the show with GWE, but with Garrett making a few cameo appearances. This year, GWE was replaced by Garrett and he did an incredible job.

And now I present to you: The Woodcrest Morning News with Justin and Garrett!

Tuesday, April 19th:

Wednesday, April 20th:

Thursday, April 21st:

Friday, April 22nd:

A Complete Sentence…and it Stinks!

Fart1This just made me laugh. While going through Justin’s homework folder, GWE came across an assignment that Justin had done in class. He was being asked to identify complete sentences. And, if he found a sentence that wasn’t complete, his task was to rewrite the sentence and make it a complete sentence.

Justin did the assignment correctly. However, he just choose to do it in the manner a 9 year old finds entertaining. (And, admittedly, his 40 year old father finds hilarious as well.) What sentence couldn’t be improved with the word “Fart?”

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This is an example of: one grammatically correct step forward, one stinky step back.