Category Archives: Questions

Are you f*#%ing kidding me, Hasbro???

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Justin got a birthday gift from my parents last night. It is an “Ultimate Optimus Prime.” Justin was thrilled and he excitedly asked for us to help him “transform” it. Each adult took a turn lifting his arms, moving his wheels, and pushing his legs from side to side. We hadn’t even begun “transforming” him yet. We were just trying to liberate him from the larger Transformer he was strapped into. Once someone figured out how to pry Optimus out of his metallic chastity belt, the next obstacle was to figure out how to turn him into a truck. Yes, there were instructions. No, they were not helpful. I kept trying to shove Optimus’ head down into his chest to get the front close. My mother kept futzing with his arm and his door kept popping off. Justin kept running around with Optimus’ light-up, noise-making gun at crotch level, all the while laughing and inviting my parents to, “Look at my pee pee!” I could keep going, but there is only so much space on the internet.

10 hours later (no joke, 7:23am), I finally had Optimus Prime in his truck form. I handed him back to Justin and informed him that Optimus no longer wanted to be a robot. He only wanted to be a truck and he hoped that Justin understood his wishes and refrained from trying to change him back again.

So, thank you mom and dad for giving Justin the single most complicated toy on the planet. I know the box said “5 and up,” but I’m pretty sure they were referring to the amount of advanced degrees in Astro Physics needed to understand the directions. He may love it, but I can see that Robo-Asshole mocking me when I walk by.

And now, an open letter to Hasbro:

Dear Hasbro,

My six year old and I are very smart, but neither of us have a card from MENSA. Does Optimus Prime really need to be THAT complicated??? When I was a kid, it took six steps to get Optimus from robot form to truck form and then back again. It’s been almost 30 years since I got my first Transformer and I would have assumed that over the course of three decades someone would have streamlined that process a little. Instead, it now takes 32 steps just to push his arm in!

Here’s something for you to transform: uckf ouy!!

All the best,

GENXDADDY!

Fred the Frugal Tooth Fairy

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This is not the first dad blog about a child losing a tooth. This isn’t even the first dad blog about a child losing a tooth today! This is about something more important – TOOTH MONEY!

For the past few days, Justin has been wiggling another loose tooth. Twice, we sat down to try and pull it out…but it just wasn’t ready. Two days ago, Justin walked up to me and said, “It’s time daddy.” I said ok, grabbed a tissue, and I positioned myself to yank out #24. (I am the son of a dentist. Random information like this is stuck in my brain.) Instead, he held out his right hand and stopped me. With his left hand, he reached into his own mouth and plucked the tooth out all by himself!  (Like a MAN!)

Now, it was Tooth Fairy Time. What you should know is that I gave Justin’s Tooth Fairy a name after Justin lost his first tooth. But GWE told me not to use that name because “it’s too silly and he’ll know it’s you (meaning, me) and he also knows your (me, again) handwriting.” Yes, I can be silly. However, I did not realize that our son had a degree in Graphology (the pseudoscience of Handwriting Analysis) and that he was prepared to use CSI techniques to uncover the identity of “The Tooth Fairy.” So the first note to Justin was nice and very generic.

This time, I gave The Tooth Fairy a name – Fred. Why did I name him Fred? Because everything in our house that gets named by us (minus the children) usually gets named “Fred.” Our fern is “Fred.” We have two fish: “Fred” and “Fred the Undead.” Plus, I’m pretty sure “Fred the Feces” was hiding in Garrett’s diaper this morning.

I finished “Fred the Tooth Fairy’s” letter to Justin and attached a five dollar bill. Patiently, I waited until I was satisfied that Justin was asleep before attempting to “take the tooth and leave the money.” (See below) Before I was able to “accomplish my mission,” GWE walked into the house. She approved of the note, but not of the money. She told me that five dollars was way too much and that a dollar should suffice. I disagreed. I thought five dollars was fine (although, still a little cheap.)

So, readers – I leave it to you! What is the right amount of money to leave a child when a tooth falls out?


This is the best sketch I have ever seen about Tooth Fairies!

Free Giveaway to TWO Readers!!

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I am giving away a brand new book to TWO readers of this blog. If you or someone you know is having concerns about a child’s speech or literacy development, please contact me with your address and I will ship one of these books to you (completely free of cost.)

Now that I am a DBI (Dad Blogger of Influence), I’ve been asked to review products that parents may find useful. I was recently asked to review a book entitled, “Beyond Baby Talk” – a guide to language and literacy development. I will be honest…I did not read the book in its entirety. Instead, I jumped around to the chapters that I felt would be of most use to me. I was very happy to find that it had extensive information regarding a child’s language development between the ages of 2 to 4.

When Justin was much younger, his daycare suggested that we should have his speech, hearing, and cognitive abilities tested. They believed that his “baby talk” (while completely appropriate for his age) may have been a sign of developmental issues. As new parents, we had no idea what to do with this information. We went online for advice, but the websites on this topic were either contradictory to one another or self-serving (“Buy My Product”) to whoever was doing the posting. Ultimately, we had him tested through LAUSD and then again through a specialty program (which we ended up working with for about a year) that I was referred to after tracking down the President of the Pediatric Speech Therapy organization for her recommendation.

The point here is – I wish I had a book like “Beyond Baby Talk” at that time to give us guidance on what to look for developmentally. Sometimes, you don’t know what you don’t know. If you need this book, just let me know and I will ship one to you!

Daddy Star-Maker

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I have often wondered if Justin understands what I do for a living. Explaining that I represent actors should be very simple. But the truth is, no two days are alike. While there are a number of things that are consistent, each day is vastly different. I could spend one day on the phone with casting directors pitching my clients. I could be buried in negotiations and contracts the next day. Another day could be spent on set with a client or in pitch meetings at a studio. Due to the variety of tasks I need to accomplish in any given day, I’ve wondered if Justin is old enough to understand (and if he could possibly explain it to me!)

This morning, I got my answer.

While taking Justin into school, he pulled me over to the play structure so that he could climb the rock wall. As I watched him, a little girl approached me. She could not have been more than six or seven. Politely, she asked, “Are you Justin’s daddy?”

“I am.” I answered.

“Do you make movie stars?” she asked. “Justin says that you make movie stars.”

My jaw hit the floor. I was completely taken by surprise and I tried to answer this little girl as best as I could. “Um….well, I represent actors and actresses and it’s my job to get them into television shows and movies.” It became crystal clear that Justin had been understanding some of my phone conversations in the car and my discussions at home…so, he kinda understood what I did.

With complete confidence, she stood before me. “Well, my name is (blank). I am an actress and I can sing and dance and play the piano.” (Once again, she was either six or seven.)

The gods smiled upon me and saved me from having to explain to her that I don’t represent children. Before she was able to utter another word, the teachers announced that it was time for the children to get into their lines and get ready to go to their classrooms. I told this little girl that it was nice to meet her and then I grabbed Justin by the backpack and bolted over to his classroom’s line.

As I got back into my car to leave, there were several questions swirling around my head: How much did Justin know? How many of my work conversations had he shared with his friends? I’ve used some pretty “colorful” language while dealing with certain people. There is one person I commonly refer to as “Fuck-Nuts.” And recently, we were in the car and I told a business affairs exec that their offer was so low that my client would be better paid if he chose to blow donkey dicks in a sideshow act. (After that call, I turned to Justin and told him that I meant that the client was “blowing up balloon animals.”) Had he used any of those words with anyone at school?

Or,

Did he tell this little girl what I did because he liked her? Did he just use me as his wing-man? I once had a senior agent demand that I represent an “actress” he met at a strip club one night (in lieu of paying her for his lap dances) and I had no choice…because he was a senior agent. Is my son going to make the same request some day?

Maybe I should have followed my father into dentistry.

The Word of the Day: Inappropriate

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Some people have been known to sniff glue. Justin misunderstood and decided to “Sniff Blue.” (Relax, it’s just aerosol from the blue spray paint.)

A few weeks ago, Justin announced that he had been thinking about names for our “Man Cave” (grunt…grunt…grunt). The two leading contenders were:

“Girls Don’t Come In Here. Boys Only. Man Cave.”

And the longer:

“Girls Don’t Come in this Shed Because It’s Only for Boys.”

On our way to school this morning, Justin announced that had been thinking of a new name!

“Daddy? I have a new name for the shed.” Justin said.

“What do you want to call it?” I asked, in anticipation of his great mind at work.

“Okay daddy….how about the ‘Man-Boy Cave?’ I was quiet for a moment.

(Oh, great….the last thing I wanted was to have my 5 ½ year old son telling people that we have a place in the backyard that we built called the “Man-Boy Cave.” It either evokes the imagery of Michael Jackson bringing young boys to “Neverland Ranch” or gives the broad impression that something very weird was going on in there. Neither of which are accurate! And, just to clarify, I only told him to ‘put the lotion in the basket’ once after we applied wood sealant to the desk without wearing gloves!)

“Well, Justin….I like that you’re thinking of names, but that one may be a little inappropriate.” I answered cautiously.

“What does ‘inappropriate’ mean?” he asked.

“Inappropriate means that the name isn’t a good representation of what the shed is becoming. It doesn’t fit.”

“What does ‘representation’ mean?” he inquired.

“Well….representation is…” I gave up. “Justin, I love you, but think of another name.”

He sat quietly for a few moments and I could see him thinking.

Finally, he said, “You’re right daddy. ‘Man-Boy Cave’ doesn’t fit because it’s too long. How about just “Man Cave” (grunt…grunt…grunt!)

Relieved, I said, “I think that’s a great name. Good job!”

Whew!

Blogger’s Note: “Zero Point Zero”

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In case you’ve been directed to this site and are wondering where the blog post entitled “Mr. Blutarsky….Zero Point Zero” has gone, it has been temporarily removed. I had recently written about my excitement for Justin attending Kindergarten and my concern about the type of education he was about to receive.

I was told that the posting was mean and could potentially have negative repercussions should anyone recognize which school and/or principal I was commenting on. Honestly, I do not care. I pulled the posting for personal reasons and I assure you that the posting will return at a later date.

In case you missed the posting, my rant was about the following: If an educator of children consistently fails to use proper grammar and sentence structure on memos that are sent to parents (or anyone for that matter), it is a clear indication of the level of education that child is about to be exposed to. It is not only your right, but your responsibility as a parent to question it, address it, and deal with it.

I promise that I will be THAT parent who not only expects the best from my children, but I expect the best for them as well.