Category Archives: Random Observations

GenXDaddy’s Favorites

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Everyone once in awhile, I get the following question: “Hey, GenXDaddy! What sites are YOU looking at?”

That’s an excellent question! I’m glad you asked. Once I get past my usual preferences of entertainment gossip, “freak of the week” news, and porn – I like to be a responsible dad and check out what other dads are doing. If you’re curious, please check out my friend Craig Grella’s site www.daddybydefault.com. (Craig was at my Vegas bachelor party and knows the true meaning behind, “It’s ok. I’m a doctor.”) You should also check out www.dadoralive.com. It’s run by a fellow “Entertainment Exec” dad. And, be sure to check out www.dadcentric.com. I don’t know the guy who runs the site, but his posts make me laugh! And finally, representing the moms out there – please be sure to read www.momservations.com. She’s a blogger who’s been published!!

I Am Such An Asshole!

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(To protect the identity of those people I’ve already offended, I’ve kept parts of this story vague.)

Have you ever had a friend tell you how embarrassed they were when they innocently asked someone what their “due date” was – only to have them find out that the person was NOT actually pregnant?

I have now done much, much worse.

Several weeks ago, I ran into a friend who told me that she was pregnant. She is a very sweet woman in her mid 20s who is wonderful with children, very energetic, and someone that BWE and I truly like. She confided in me that this was not planned. She and her husband were quite surprised, but very pleased. We chatted for a few moments more about her pregnancy and how she was feeling and then I continued on my way.

Three weeks ago, I happened to run into her again. We talked for a few moments and as we were walking in the same direction I found myself a few steps behind her. In a non-perverted, completely innocent, genuinely-interested-in-her-pregnancy and complimentary tone, I said – “Gee – how is it possible that you look so thin?” She turned back to me and said, “I had a miscarriage.”

………………..shit……………………………

At that moment, I felt like such a douche bag. I know – you’re saying to yourself, “C’mon, you couldn’t possibly have known.” True….but if I had just shut my mouth and kept walking all would have been fine. She was incredibly sweet about it and told me that it was for the best, clearly her body was telling her something was wrong, the timing wasn’t right for them, etc. All the while, I’m thinking that now I’m even more of a douche bag because not only have I brought up a shitty subject, but she’s actually trying to comfort ME!!

So, here is what I’ve learned from this – unless you are pregnant AND I am actually related to you AND you already know that I’m an asshole before I even open my mouth, I will no longer inquire about “how’s it going?”

This is my public service announcement of the day.

When I Grow Up…..

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We had a termite inspector come out to the house this week and investigate a small spot in the garage. He was very friendly and Justin enjoyed his company. Justin enjoyed having him around so much, that he grabbed is own flashlight and proceeded to walk around the house with the inspector making sure to follow-up on his work.

At one point, the inspector turned to Justin and asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Without thinking twice, Justin answered “Taller.”

It’s good to know that his dreams are simple and achievable!

Free to “Pee” You and Me

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Tuesday is trash day in our neighborhood. This past Tuesday, Justin decided that he wanted to help me bring the trash to the curb. All it requires is grabbing the trash bins, rolling them 6 feet forward, opening the gate, and putting them on the street. Our back yard is “L” shaped and fenced. The trash bins and gate opening are on the short end of the “L”. Directly overhead is a security light with an incredibly temperamental sensor. Either it doesn’t work or it is so sensitive that if you were to quietly “toot” a fart, every light in the back yard would BLAST on.

I agreed to let Justin assist me in this duty in the hopes that one day I would no longer have to do it and I could make it part of his chores. As any parent knows, doing something could take X amount of time. However, doing that same thing with a child makes X three times longer. We went outside, turned the corner to get the trash bins, and the security lights clicked on. It must have taken us a little longer to get the bins on the street because the lights clicked off before the end of our task.

After we were done, Justin turned to me and said, “Daddy, I want to pee – outside!” It was dark outside and I actually thought about it for a second. Ultimately, I decided, “why not?”

I realize that this is going to separate my male and female readers. Men will grunt in understanding and acceptance while women will think this is gross. It’s not. This is how men commune with nature. We pee on it.

Justin and I were standing in the dark at the corner where the two parts of the “L” meet. Together, Justin and I lowered our pants, aimed in different directions, and then I told him that we needed to “spray the weeds”. (That’s right, we multi-tasked! You can’t tell me that peepee isn’t going to work as weed killer!) I looked over and Justin had a look of sheer joy on his face. Justin was so into it that I saw him gently swaying back and forth to make sure he got all the weeds around him. I thought “gee – that’s actually a good idea.”

So, there we were – butts exposed, “draining the lizards”, being one with nature, killing weeds, and gently swaying in the breeze…..and then the lights BLASTED on because the sensors saw us!  We were both startled and started laughing hysterically as we pulled up our pants.

As we turned the corner to get back into the house, I looked up to see our neighbors (at the top of the “L”) looking in our general direction. We have been in this house for five years and I have NEVER seen those neighbors and the ONE NIGHT we decide to “kill the weeds” they just happen to be outside watching us. FANTASTIC! Now, I’m the creepy neighbor who gets naked in the backyard with his kid. I lowered my head in shame and quickly ushered Justin back into the house while the neighbors “pretended” not to notice us. Oy………I know whose house we’ll be avoiding this Halloween.

Oh, C-R-A-P!

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As a parent, there are times when you need to have a conversation with your spouse and it’s inconvenient for the two of you to leave the room to have that discussion. As a solution, we have started to spell out the words that we don’t want Justin to hear. My parents did it. My grandparents did it as well. When I was old enough to spell, my grandparents would switch and speak Yiddish in front of me. (If you’ve ever heard two people speaking Yiddish, you’d know it sounds like a phlegm war. Today,“Yiddish” is the sound of one person talking to themselves and then explaining to others what they just said.)

Spelling out our words seemed to be working. Last week I told GWE that I needed to run a few errands and that I would be going to T-A-R-G-E-T (Justin’s favorite place) and H-O-M-E D-E-P-O-T (Justin’s second favorite place). This way I am able to say what I need to say without triggering a “Justin Meltdown” after he hears the word “Target” and yells at me that he has to go there right now this second to get a “Color Changer Doc Hudson.”

There are two problems with this:

1)      You are presuming that the other person you are speaking with is quick enough to put together the letters you are spelling to understand the words you are trying to say.

2)      You are also presuming that the child really doesn’t know what you are saying.

I have now been proven wrong on both accounts!

I love GWE with all my heart, but she is not great at the “Spelling Out Loud” game. Most times, we’ve been successful at this type of communication. (We did get 100% on communication in our pre-wedding test from the Synagogue.) However, there have been times when I’ve told her something and she just looks at me.  I can see the wheels turning, but she gives me the look of “Does Not Compute!” Eventually, she will get what I am saying – but at that point I’ve had to include hand motions and a Power Point presentation.

As to the second problem – I think Justin is on to us. I know he cannot spell and I know that unless the conversation is specifically about him, his toys, or his room, he tunes us out. But now, I’m starting to wonder….. I was talking to GWE about whether or not we bought a gift for a friend of ours who was having a surprise birthday party. I specifically spelled out “gift” and “birthday party.” After this long (spelled out) discussion, Justin turned towards me and asked, “Will there be chocolate cake at the birthday party?”

HUH!?!?!?!? How did he do that?!?!?!?! What else does he know that we don’t know he knows!?!?!?!

In the future, I may be forced to revert back to my 3rd grade Spanish in order to have a discussion that Justin won’t understand. “Donde es la bibliotheca? El Gato esta en llamas! Arriba!!”

PS: Spelling does not work when you need to curse. I’ve learned that it’s far easier to scream “Fucknutshitbagassholes” at the other drivers on the road then it is to spell it out in the heat of the moment.

One “Flu” Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

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It’s that time of year again – the time when GWE (Greatest Wife Ever) nags us about our Flu Shots! Every Fall I wait as long as humanly possible before I am forced to get the shot. She asks “Did you get it yet?” 24 times and on the 25th time, she actually sets up the appointment herself and then drives me to get my shot. Without fail, I usually get the flu in February!

Now that Justin is “of age”, he too is nagged into getting a flu shot. This morning, Justin was scheduled to get his. The discussion was as follows:

Me: Hey buddy. Put on your shoes. It’s time to go.

Justin: Are we going to school, daddy?

Me: Yes, but we need to run an errand first.

Justin: Are we going to Target?

Me: no

Justin: Are we going to Toys R Us?

Me: no

Justin: (pauses) Are we going to the doctor’s office?

Me: (shocked) Well….yes. We are going to the doctor’s office.

Justin: I don’t want to get a shot.

Me: (I never told him he was getting a shot.) Um….well, the doctor just wants to say hi to you. (Kinda’ true….)

Justin: I don’t want to get a SHOT.

GWE: (from around the corner) It’s a little shot Justin, it will only hurt a little. Jason – why did you tell him he was getting a shot!?!?!?!?

Me: I didn’t…YOU just told him he was getting a shot!!!

GWE: I DIDN’T TELL HIM!!! I HEARD YOU TALKING ABOUT IT!!!

Me: I DIDN’T ACTUALLY TELL HIM HE WAS GETTING A SHOT!!!!! I TOLD HIM WE WERE GOING TO THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE!!! YOU JUST CONFIRMED WHAT HE SUSPECTED!!!!

Justin: I DON’T WANT TO GET A SSSSHHHHOOTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!

GWE and I (trying to hug Justin reassuringly): It will be fine. You like Dr. Howie, right?

Justin: I DON’T WANT TO GET A SSSSSSHHHHHHHHOOOOOTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!

Me: It’s gonna be ok buddy….GWE, you gotta help me….he’s not going to want to get in the car now.

GWE: What do we do?

Justin: I’m hungry. I want cho-co-late!

GWE and I smile at each other evily because we are thinking the same thing.

Me: Justin, I’ll give you a piece of Halloween candy, but you can’t have it until after the doctor’s office.

Justin: ok, daddy.

Justin (in the car for the next 20 minutes): Can I eat it now? Can I eat it now? Can I eat it now?

Me (in the car for the next 20 minutes): No No No No No

We arrived in the doctor’s parking lot and I got out of the car and went around to Justin’s side. The moment I got there, I heard him click the door lock and then laugh histerically. I pretended that I couldn’t get in just to give him some satisfaction. Then, I clicked “unlock” on the key fob and watched the smile on his face drop. I opened the door and undid his car seat. He then yelled “STINKY FEET” as he thrust his feet in my face. This was another tactical move to stall his appointment. He had taken off his socks and shoes and made me put them back on.

As we walked into the doctor’s office, I noticed a distinct change in Justin. He looked like a man who was walking down “death row” toward the electric chair. He had made his peace with it and was not going to give anyone the satisfaction of seeing his discomfort. We both walked into Room 3 and the nurse asked him a few questions. He sat on my lap, answered each of the questions, and then allowed me to roll up his sleeve. The nurse and I prepared for the worst.

Justin did not cry. Justin did not squirm away. Justin was a man!

He watched the nurse put the needle in his arm, give him the injection, and then pull out the needle. The look on his face said, “Is that all you got? Gimme another!!” The nurse placed a “Cars” band-aid on his arm and he walked out of the office with his head held high. Watching him walk towards the door was like watching Shane ride off into the sunset after putting down “Old Yeller.”

The legend of Justin continues…….