The Tooth Fairy Trap

Tooth

“PROCLAIM LIBERTY [OF BABY TEETH] THROUGHOUT ALL THE LAND UNTO ALL THE INHABITANTS THEREOF LEV. XXV. V X.”

After waiting and waiting and waiting…and waiting a little more, Justin’s loose tooth finally came out while he was at camp yesterday. He proudly showed off the tooth (with the remnants of dried blood still sticking to the base) when he got home. We marveled at his accomplishment and encouraged him to put it in his special “Tooth Book” so that The Tooth Fairy could collect it. Justin disappeared into his room and when I went back to check on him, he had accidentally fallen asleep.

Around 11:00pm, I realized that I hadn’t performed my “Tooth Fairy” duties yet. I grabbed a piece of paper from the home office, wrote him a sweet note thanking him for his tooth, and signed it “The Tooth Fairy.”

What should have been a simple “take the tooth and leave the money,” turned into an adventure worthy of the opening scene from “Raiders of the Lost Ark.” First of all, Justin’s room was pitch black. Of all nights, this was the night he decided to unplug his night light. Second, I had to remember where I had seen the “Tooth Book” last. I thought it was on his desk, but I wasn’t sure if he slid it under his pillow before passing out. I went with the assumption that he put the tooth under his pillow…which was under his head. With one hand I gently lifted up the Mickey Mouse Pillow Pet while I using the other hand  to search the area. I found nothing.

Carefully, I turned my attention to his messy desk – which was supposed to be a nice surface for Justin to do his homework on. In reality, it has become a graveyard for every Lego piece, Captain Underpants book, magic trick, fake aquarium, empty pencil, old (hardened) Play Doh, and Minecraft toy Justin owns. Much like Helen Keller, I was only able to rely on my sense of touch to find the Tooth Book. I must have touched every single item on his desk before finding that book. However, I didn’t just find the book. I found “The Tooth Fairy Trap” Justin had set for The Tooth Fairy!

The Tooth Book has a little “hatch” in the middle where the tooth is stored. In order to get the tooth, you must pop open the hatch! Justin tried to outwit The Tooth Fairy by putting his mini-Liberty Bell on top of the hatch. Smartly, Justin assumed that when The Tooth Fairy lifted the hatch, the bell would ring – and he would be woken up!! His plan almost worked, too!! I felt the bell, but didn’t know what it was. It wasn’t until a millisecond BEFORE I knocked it over that I realized what it was and how loud it could have been! I carefully moved it to the side, collected the tooth, and left the money and a note.

The next time Justin loses a tooth, I’ll retrieve it from his room while wearing a Dental Lab Coat, a fedora on my head, and a bullwhip by my side. I will no longer be known as “The Tooth Fairy.” You can call me “GenXDaddy Decay…Jones!!”

I am a Motivational Spelling Expert!

Anthony Robbins, Zig Ziglar, and Jim Rohn may be great motivational speakers, but they could learn a thing or two from Gen X Daddy’s “Motivational Speller” program. In one easy step, I can have your child spelling like a champion! Having a hard time getting your son to spell “never?” I can fix that! Having a difficult time getting your daughter to spell “brown?” I can fix that too!

With my well-tested (one easy step) program, I can turn your illiterate first grader into a Spelling Bee Champion!!

Justin was having difficulty in school with some of his spelling words. He started the school year with excellent grades in spelling, but as time went on and his interest in spelling waivered – he began to get more and more of his spelling words wrong. GWE and I would spend evenings quizzing him and having him write down each word…and then we’d quiz him again. Nothing seemed to improve his grades.

Then, I stumbled upon the solution! Here is the secret to my “Motivational Speller” program: a Nerf N-Strike Elite. If you misspell a word, you get shot by daddy! It’s amazing how motivated a child will become while running away from six rapidly fired Nerf darts!

Nerf

I thought the hand-written note on professional stationary was a nice touch!

Needless to say, Justin got a 100% on his spelling test this past week. Some may say that it’s the extra help he got from his tutor. Others may credit “Papa Jeff” for spending time with him and going over each word. However, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that he found this note and Nerf Gun on his pillow the same day he crushed his spelling test!

Lego Star Wars: Mensa Card Required

Justin and Lego

“Believe this took three hours to building I cannot” – Yoda

As you can see from yesterday’s post, Justin and Garrett got new toys. Justin got a Lego Star Wars toy because we’ve been playing Lego Star Wars: Clone Wars on Xbox 360. He’s the only kid who knows every Star Wars character, robot, and planet – yet, he’s never seen any of the movies. When we got home last night, he opted to play video games with me before bed and save the Lego construction for Saturday morning.

At 6:45am I stumbled out of my bedroom with both eyes closed and I was met in a long dark hallway by a very awake (and very excited) Justin. “Legos, daddy!!!! We need to build LEGOS!!!”

“Crap,” I thought, and might have actually said out loud. “Ok, buddy – I’ll get the Legos ready and you make the coffee….no, wait, other way around. I’ll make the coffee, you get the Legos ready.”

It took us THREE HOURS to build this Lego Star Wars toy.

THREE….LONG….HOURS…..

A few things happened while building this toy:

1)      Justin may have learned some new words. At 7:45 he turned to me and said, “Daddy – Please stop saying “fuck.”

2)      Lego pieces are getting smaller. I remember playing with Lego “blocks” and “boards” when I was a kid. These new pieces are so much smaller. I’m surprised each package doesn’t come with a microscope and tweezers!

3)      Uncle Jesse is on my shit list. It’s his job to construct Lego projects with my son, not mine! He couldn’t be bothered to take a midnight flight to Los Angeles to help Justin – therefore, he’s fired from the family.

4)      Since when is a degree in architecture required to build a Lego structure??? Holy cow!

5)      And finally, I hope Justin likes the final product….because it will never look like this again. Ever!

lego

Lego 3

 

Daddy is My Caddie (Golf for Kids)

IMG_2623I have an expensive addiction. It’s called “Golf.” It’s well known that I am a terrible golfer, but I still love to play. I even enjoy watching it on TV, but sometimes the soothing sounds of Jim Nance (and the Irish wit of David Feherty) lull me to sleep on a warm and sunny Sunday afternoon.

As a Hollywood Executive, I’ve seen many “addictions” go one of two ways. Either the person hides their addiction from their friends and family or they never shut up about it and seek out the company of others who share in their addition. I’ve gone one step further! I have created one (possibly two) offspring who share in my obsession. At the age of 6 ½, Justin has accepted my addiction as his own….and it is good!

I started him on his “(Golf Cart) Path to Ruin” slowly…through food. There is a local diner at the Balboa Golf Course by the house that serves pancakes. I casually suggested Justin join me for breakfast one morning. (‘Cause who doesn’t like pancakes??) I might have also mentioned that I had a couple of golf clubs and golf balls in the back of my car if he was interested in trying some “putt-putt.” Together, we did this a couple of times. I knew he was ready for the next step when he asked me to take him to the golf course one morning…unprovoked!

I took Justin to Roger Dunn to purchase his first set of clubs. As I discovered, there is not a large selection when it comes to golf for kids. There aren’t that many club choices….especially for a lefty! After getting fitted and taking a few practice swings in the store, we walked out with a brand new set of “Tour X“ clubs and Angry Bird Golf Balls!

Golf Bag

 

It only took Justin a few moments to get the hang of how to use his new clubs! Here are the results:


As I said before, addictions can be a dangerous thing. Some people choose to “Chase the Dragon.” We choose to “Chase the Little White Ball!”

Crash Test Justin

Copter

For my birthday, my parents surprised me with a rather large (and expensive) gift. Their only request was that they be on the phone with me as I opened the package. On a Thursday evening, the package finally arrived. Justin, GWE, and I gathered in the bedroom and we called my parents. After a few moments of small talk, Justin decided to take the initiative and open the box while we were all still talking. GWE and I turned to see what Justin was doing just as we heard him say, “Coooooooooool! A helicopter!!!!”

I don’t know if Justin was more excited about flying a helicopter or the idea of attaching Garrett to a helicopter and flying him away.

To be clear, this is not a toy. It’s an IFT Evolve 300 CX. It is 18.3 inches long, 10.4 inches high, and is equipped with a main rotor diameter of 18 inches. I have begun to affectionately refer to them as “The Blades of Death!”

On the following Sunday afternoon, Justin and I ran to the driveway to try out the new toy. Justin placed the helicopter at the end of the driveway while I set up the radio transmitter and C.A.T. (Collision Avoidance System.) I flicked on the power switch and started the motor. As it began to “whirr,” Justin and I grinned at each other with the anticipation of a successful liftoff.

I lifted the throttle halfway and…

…it immediately shot back six feet and hit Justin in the head!!!! I could hear the plastic blades hitting his skull over and over and over again. ”Thwap, thwap, thwap, thwap, thwap, thwap, thwap.” Once I finally got the motor to stop (and it is possible that I may have hit the wrong lever and made it go even faster before realizing my mistake,) I was able to attend to Justin – who was now in tears and clutching his head.

GWE came outside to see what all the noise was about. She quickly realized that Justin’s head was bleeding. The blades had sliced open his ear and the skin behind his ear. GWE took him back inside and bandaged him up.

Ear 1

As he sat on the sofa with a Band-Aid stuck to his head, the dried trail of tears down his cheeks, and a cold drink in his lap, I realized that he looked like he’d been run over by a helicopter.

Ear 2

I asked him if he wanted to come back outside and try again. He turned towards me and said, “No daddy!”

“Are you sur…”

“No, Daddy!”

“I promise not to hit you in the….”

“No, Daddy!”

“You can use the remo…”

“No, Daddy!”

“It will be fun!” I told him.

“Daddy…That was not fun!” he replied. “Now, put your toy away.”

Justin was mentally (and physically) scarred from this experience. It will take a lot to get him back outside with the helicopter. I think he might consider giving this a second chance, but only if we follow through with our plans to attach Garrett to the helicopter and fly him off into the sunset.

 

Doo Doo Binkey

DarthFor my birthday, Uncle Ethan bought me a funny book called “Darth Vader and Son.” It was a timely purchase because Justin and I are in the middle of playing “Lego Star Wars III: Attack of the Clones” on XBox 360. To him, this might be the greatest game ever created because it contains his two favorite things: Legos and “Star Wars.” Ironically, he has never actually SEEN any of the “Star Wars” movies. But, he does know all the main characters!

I realized that I would not be home in time to share this book with Justin, so I left it in the bathroom where I knew he would discover it. Sure enough, when I got home – the book had disappeared.

This morning I found Justin in bed reading this book. I asked him if he liked it and he told me that it was very funny. Quietly, he continued to read it while he was eating breakfast, getting dressed, and even putting his book-bag together.

Finally, out the of blue, he announced, “Hey daddy!! It’s Doo-Doo Binkey!”

“Huh???” I thought…praying that he had not discovered one of Garrett’s binkies covered in poop. I quickly walked over to him while he kept excitedly pointing at something in the book  “Doo-Doo Binkey!! Doo-Doo Binkey!!”

I looked down to see what he was pointing at. “Hey buddy?” I said, laughingly. “That’s not Doo-Doo Binkey. His name is Jar Jar Binks. But, I kinda like Doo-Doo Binkey better!”

Jar