You’ve Got A Friend in Me

Who wouldn’t want to be friends with this guy?!?!?!?!

Garrett came home from camp in a foul mood. I heard him stomp through the front door, turn the corner, march into his room, and slam the door shut. I decided to give him a few minutes to calm down before approaching him. After about 30 minutes, I found him sitting on the sofa and gently asked, “Hey buddy. How was camp today?”

“Terrible,” he replied.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I inquired

He let out a long, audible breath and looked at me. “Fine. I had a terrible day because I asked ‘Sarah’ (not her real name) if she would be my best friend at camp and she said yes.” Confused, I replied, “Isn’t that a good thing?”

He continued, “…but then, her friend whispered in her ear and then she told me that she didn’t want to be my friend anymore.”

“Oh. I see. I’m sorry to hear that.” For a moment, we both sat in silence. He had vented and I was trying to determine what to do with the information. I could have gone with the theory of “Boys Rule, Girls Drool,” but that only goes so far. Ultimately, I chose honesty.

“Well, Garrett. Sometimes boys and girls (and grown men and women) like each other, but their friends get in the way.  If you like someone and want to be friends, you should tell them and don’t worry what their friends say. I’m sure it made Sarah feel good to know that you wanted to be her friend.” I suggested he try playing with her again the next day. If she wasn’t interested, that’s OK too.

He seemed satisfied with the answer and refocused on the video game he was playing. Garrett is clearly going to be OK. It’s Sarah’s loss…and Sarah’s friend will eventually be shunned by her friends because of her terrible judgement and gossipy ways. She will then grow old alone, spending her nights eating single-serving frozen dinners, and living with her 40 cats who will ultimately eat her face off when she runs out of cat food. (Is that too harsh? Not when you reject my son, it’s not.)


Parent in the Sky vs. PJ Masks


(Note: This was written on Thursday morning, November 12th at 1:22am.)

You know you’re a decent “parent in the sky” when you fly across the country with your child and he/she decides to sing the “PJ Masks” theme song for four hours straight…and you let them live.

While on the way to Washington DC, Garrett sat next to me and vibrated with excitement about being on his first plane all the while singing “PJ Masks.” But, not the whole theme song….just the first two lyrics. FOUR….HOURS….STRAIGHT……

Who goes into the night

So they can save the day?

Who are these heroes

To show you the way?

PJ Masks

PJ Masks

PJ Masks

PJ Masks

It’s now 1:22am EST and I would like to go to sleep, but I can’t because all I hear is this stupid song in my head over and over and over.

The Night Terrors

Wormie 1

“I’m Gonna Get You!!”

It’s not unusual to get a visit from Garrett in the middle of the night. We’re still going through the crib-to-bed transition and he’s getting used to it. However, sometimes we will wake up at 3am to the sounds of “Mommy? Daddy? I need you.” And then one of us draws straws to see who it will be. (Conveniently, I fall asleep in the middle of our debate, so GWE ends up going into his room.)

Tuesday night was different. After putting the kids to bed, GWE and I crashed early knowing that we were in for a crazy few days with the kids due to the holidays. At 3:00am, Garrett began calling for us. Well….not exactly calling for us…more like screaming bloody murder with a “mommy” and “daddy” mixed in for effect. I was the first one down the hall, but GWE somehow slipped past me and got there first. I figured one parent was enough, so I turned around and headed back to bed.

As I got back to my room, I could continue to hear Garrett screaming. I heard, “NO!” and “I WANT TO LEAVE” and finally, “I WANT TO GET OUT OF MY ROOM!!” With that, GWE hauled ass back into our bedroom with Garrett in tow. He was really rattled by something.

We got him into our bed and he was burning up with a fever. He was crying and screaming about something and it took a few minutes for us to calm him down to the point where he could tell us what was wrong.

In between the sobs, we saw him repeatedly try to push something away (that wasn’t there) and finally heard him say, “There are wormies on me!! Get the wormies off!!! I don’t want the wormies to get me!!!!” GWE and I tried to calm him with “There are no wormies buddy. You’re ok,” but the truth was we were looking at each other and trying not to panic. GWE said, “I think he’s so hot that he’s hallucinating.” It seemed like a logical assessment.

Every few minutes he would fall back asleep only to jolt awake again screaming about the “wormies” that were trying to get him. I attempted to calm him while GWE looked online for any information as to what was going on. What she found was “Night Terrors” (or as we’ve renamed it “Scare the Living Shit Out of Parents Syndrome.”)

Garrett had all of the signs of Night Terrors:

1) Occurs during the first part of sleep

2) Typically, occurs in children 3-6, but only in 1-6% of the population. (Hey – he’s an elitist!)

3) Patients tend to “bold upright” with their eyes wide open in a panic

4) Patients appear confused, disoriented, elevated heart rate, sweating, etc.

5) Patient appears to be awake, but they are still “technically” asleep. (Garrett was calling for us while we were right in front of him, but he never saw us. His pupils were wide open. He was there, but “no one was home.”)

6) Patient will not remember the event in the morning. (Although it will clearly haunt the parents for the rest of their lives!)

For the rest of the evening, Garrett stayed in our bed cradled between us. Every once in awhile he would thrash or kick in the middle of the night, but nothing was so startling as when the Night Terror began.

As things began to calm down, GWE made a very funny observation: “Leave it to Garrett to be afraid of the cutest, least harmful thing out there. Wormies!”

Wormie 2

WAIT…DON’T DO THA- (Nevermind)


FoodAnother moment when you want to smack yourself in the head due to the actions of your children: Justin lowered his car window this morning to throw out his gum. As he threw it, I yelled, ‘Wait!’ It was too late…his gum had hit the car next to us and was now stuck to the other driver’s window. The driver passed me while giving me the finger. (Fair enough.)

Sherlock: The Case of “What Happens in Vegas…”

holmesMany of you have been asking, “What’s going on with Sherlock?” Excellent question! So, I asked him…and he happily told me.

Several weeks ago, he was on Tinder when a pretty young woman contacted him. After a few conversations and some harmless flirting, she suggested that he meet her in Las Vegas for the weekend. He playfully continued their chat, but she repeated her offer to have him join her. Additionally, she told him that she was a Flight Attendant and that she could take care of his plane ticket and hotel room…should he end up needing one. (Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.)

With some skepticism, Sherlock accepted her offer. He had just enough time to roll out of another woman’s bed, get home to shower, eat, feed his pet, and grab some clothing before he raced over to the airport….where there really was a plane ticket waiting for him.

He flew to Las Vegas where he met (let’s call her) “Venus – The Vegas Vagina.” According to Sherlock, he was happily surprised how pretty and sane she was……and then they went back to her hotel room where the only “Strip” he saw was hers and the only gambling he participated in was “Do I wear one condom or two?” The following morning, he grabbed a few Gatorades, headed to the airport, and flew back to Los Angeles….just in time to meet another “date.”

Here’s the difference between Sherlock and GenXDaddy: Sherlock can leave at a moment’s notice to get laid. GenXDaddy cannot. I can’t walk out the door without first making sure I have at least one child, backup diapers, wipes, a bottle of water, an iPod/Kindle/3DS, a portable wi-fi device so a child can play with his iPod/Kindle/3DS, a jacket, some tissues (after a baby booger check), and then an extra 15 minutes so Garrett can pretend to play “driver” in my car seat.

Plus, no woman is flying me out of town to meet her for sex! Not even my wife – and she likes me!

So, to Sherlock I say – If you’re getting flown out of state for your “services,” you might want to start charging for it!