May

2013

Let the Defiance Begin!!

Posted on: Sunday, May 19th, 2013

One afternoon, GWE asked Garrett to say “Ma-Ma.” With a twinkle of mischief in his eye (and possibly a loaded diaper), Garrett began to show his defiance with a sense of humor. Enjoy!

Thanks to Uncle Ethan for figuring out how to get this audio clip uploaded!

April

2013

“…And That’s The Way It Is.”

Posted on: Thursday, April 25th, 2013

Justin has decided to follow in the footsteps of those great newscasters who preceded him. Much like Walter Cronkite and Edward R. Murrow, Justin has taken it upon himself to bring “the truth” to the masses. Here is the truth – there WILL be pizza for lunch today…there WILL be a choice of juice or water…and there WILL be ice cream sold for a dollar. (And as part of his economic editorial, he informed his viewers that for a dollar, the ice cream really was a bargain.)

At the school Justin attends, they have the children do a pre-taped morning announcement show that is broadcast internally and online. For weeks, Justin begged us to inquire about having him host the morning show. Finally, Justin decided to take matters into his own hands and he approached the Principal directly to announce his intentions. She politely informed him that Kindergarteners weren’t allowed to host the show. It is a privilege reserved for the older boys and girls at the school.

However, she did tell us that “Host of the Morning Show” was an item up for bid at the annual silent auction. GWE and I agreed that come hell or high water, we were going to get this for Justin. When the event arrived, I ran interference with Garrett while GWE continued to use offensive and defensive maneuvers to ensure that we would win the bid. Needless to say, Justin got what he wanted…two days of providing the morning announcements to his fellow classmates

Here is Day 1:

Here is Day 2:

Justin was so well received by his classmates, that he was asked back to host THREE MORE TIMES!!

Based on the feedback (and ratings bump), I am currently fielding offers for my son at all the major networks and news outlets. If you need a new morning host (I’m talking to you – Today Show!) who is charismatic and can deliver hard-hitting journalism – you know how to reach me!

January

2013

What did you call me????

Posted on: Thursday, January 31st, 2013

Justin in Car While driving home one afternoon, I decided to take an alternate route to avoid a stoplight. Justin chimed in from the back seat – “Daddy, I thought you said we were going home. Why are we going this way?”

I assured him that we were going home, but that I was taking the “back way.” GWE turned to Justin and said, “Wow, you are very astute!”

Justin paused for a moment, took a deep (concerned) breath, and then asked the following question: “Mommy………..did you just call me ‘stupid’?!?!?!”

There was a moment of silence and then GWE and I began to roar with laughter. We assured him that we didn’t say “stupid.” We were telling him that he was “astute” – he was someone who could accurately assess a situation!

Jeez – I hope I never have to explain to him that I think he’s “farcical” and not a “fart-sicle!”

January

2013

Pavlov’s Dad Theory

Posted on: Wednesday, January 23rd, 2013

Any first year psychology student can tell you about Pavlov’s Theory of Classical Conditioning. Pavlov was a Russian scientist who won the 1904 Pulitzer Prize after spending years and years working on his theories which explained that with the right stimulus, you can provoke a conditioned response.

Garrett is a 15 month old toddler who lives in Los Angeles. He was able to figure this theory out in about five minutes.

Pavlov used dogs. Garrett used daddy (and a plastic dog.)

We’ve been teaching Garrett sign language. We found that it helped to eliminate the “Terrible Twos” with Justin because he was able to communicate with us. The most popular sign is “More.” All Garrett has to do it smack his hands together and he has told us that he wants more of something. Usually, it’s food – but, it can be anything. He could be telling us that he wants us to read him another book at night or sing him another song. If one of us does something he thinks is funny, he signs “more” for us to do it again.

Last night, he successfully trained me and then became very frustrated when I couldn’t deviate from his plan. While playing with him and his toy house, I pushed his dog into the doghouse and it made a funny sound he had never heard before. He clapped his hands: “More,” so I did it again. He clapped his hands: “More,” so I did it a third time. Again and again and again, he would clap his hands and I would make the doggy bark. Finally, I did it one more time…and he turned towards me with an unhappy expression on his face and yelled something that sounded like “Eeeaayyyaaeeee!” I didn’t know what that meant. I reached for the doggy again and he pushed my hand away…and then he clapped, “More.” I reached for the doggy again and he pushed my hand away…and then he clapped “More” again!

Confused, I reached over to flush the potty in the toy house. He pushed my hand away…and clapped “More.” I pressed the doorbell and he screamed at me, pushed my hand away, and clapped for “More.”

“More what?!?!?!?!” I asked.

He looked me dead in the eyes and clapped.

“I don’t understand!!! MORE WHAT?????” I asked again.

He looked me dead in the eyes and clapped again…and louder.

“WHAT DO YOU WANT!?!?!?!! TELL ME!!!!”

He looked me dead in the eyes and clapped again.

“AAAAARRGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!”

It’s at this point, I suspected that I knew how Edgar Allen Poe had lost his mind. He was probably playing with his young children who ended up driving him insane by screaming like Ravens: “Nevermore!! Nevermore!!”

September

2012

My Name Is Aunt Jemima. You Killed My Father. Prepare to Die.

Posted on: Thursday, September 20th, 2012

Earlier this week, Justin and I decided to go out for breakfast. I asked him where he wanted to go and he chose IHop. While we were in the car, the following conversation took place:

Me: “I am going to get the biggest pancake they have.”

Justin: “Ooh….me too! I want one bigger than my head!”

Me: “I want one bigger than my whole body!”

And then, Justin’s imagination kicked in….

Justin: “Daddy, I want you to get a big pancake and when the lady puts it in front of you, I want you to grab your fork and then the pancake will grab the knife and you will fight each other to see who gets to eat who. And you will lose. And then the pancake will cut you into little pieces and then grab the syrup and pour it all over you and then eat you.”

Me: “Well, that sucks.”

Justin: “And daddy…when the pancake is done eating you, it will poop you out like scrambled eggs.”

Me: “I think I’ll just have some toast now. Thanks.”

Justin: “It’s ok daddy, because I am going to kill and eat your pancake’s baby pancake.”

Me: “You will avenge me?”

Justin: “I will say, ‘This is for eating my daddy,’ and then I will pour syrup on him and eat him.”

Me: “Thanks buddy.”